Finally, it was the last day. Well, more accurately, yesterday was the last day I spent on university grounds. It wasn't an epic finale, nor one filled with hope or expectations. I suppose it was just an ending, and that's that.
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Okay, now. Seriously.
It's strange, it's always strange for me, or rather, a bit unnerving, to have to start a new post for my blog.
This time, I'm here to explain that I simply feel like I'm adrift again.
No, I'm lying.
That never bothered me. I don't have that weight or that feeling of "what am I going to do with my life?" What I feel is loneliness, a loneliness that hasn't completely resolved. I already experienced it in high school and pre-university. Now, it's happening again. Many bad things (very bad), many good experiences (with moments that genuinely made me laugh), but in the end, isolated.
I'm not going to focus on, or rather, I don't want to emphasize too much, the fact that I've failed again to get a girlfriend during this time. The old college expectations meme probably comes to mind (you know the thing: improve, be more sociable, push boundaries, go out more often, and ultimately, live a wild life). Something I've partially achieved, but not completely. I feel like many of the experiences I could have had, or should have had, at this stage, like a kiss or holding hands with a girl, I just haven't been able to attain. And now I feel like it will be harder to achieve that in life. Not to mention almost impossible. You know. I'm not exactly handsome.
And that's something that's been roting me up inside. Because more than once I've felt excluded because of it. I don't know. It's a bit of a pain when you try to be closer to a girl. And you know, it used to be really hard for me. Because I stuttered a lot, I didn't know what to say, I generally acted weird. I haven't completely improved in that area, but at least I can crack jokes and be more fluent in conversation. But I feel like that's going to be my biggest social achievement.
Because when I've started trying to get closer, that is, to become more interested in a girl, to try to talk to her more, to help her... I feel like she magically senses it. And then she distances herself, leaving me with an awful feeling of, "Okay, so what am I doing wrong now?" ...... to exist?
I knew it was going to happen, but... The end of this phase means that I'll be without a real connection with anyone for a while again. I haven't felt like I've fully connected with my classmates either. There have been some really good moments. Like the field trips, even the more casual group outings. They weren't related to university projects, but were simply for having a good time together.
Then, I don't know if it's because I'm very sensitive, or if I actually overreact, but there have been jokes that were funny in context but left me thinking or feeling a little uncomfortable. I've been able to handle it, one way or another. Being able to more or less return the "attack" with a similar joke about the other person's character or some negative event in his/her life, and continue the group joke.
That means I've lost my former innocence, the one I had in school, when if someone said "p_ssy" I'd actually look incredibly goofy.
The other thing I've also felt, which is why I feel I haven't made truly accurate connections, is that I've overexposed my obsession with wanting to do things well. Actually, it's a pseudo-obsession.
Because I can start a project with a lot of energy and dedication. But then that enthusiasm fades. "It's no big deal" when it's just a drawing or something I'm writing. But it has been a problem when I've had to write monographs, essays, or papers for university. When a professor asked a question in online classes, since it was easy for me to overcome my fear behind the screen, I could come up with elaborate answers. And that was my mistake, I think. Demonstrating that I was completely capable in online classes.
⋆͛*͛ ͙͛ ⁑͛⋆͛*͛ ͙͛(๑•﹏•)⋆͛*͛ ͙͛ ⁑͛⋆͛*͛ ͙͛
Obviously, it all came crashing down when the COVID-19 pandemic ended.
It happened around the fifth semester.
Classes went back to being in person.
And I had to face the world head-on, people in real life.
( /・・)ノ ! !
In other words, I had to overcome my shyness again. It wasn't the same. Even if a professor asked a question and I answered well, most of the time I had to deal with the "yes, that's fine, BUT...", and that gave me a pang of feeling like I hadn't been good enough, like I'd made a fool of myself, especially compared to how confident and accurate I could answer when I wasn't there, in a classroom, with everyone listening, and potentially watching.
Even so, I still had the field of writing, whether by hand or digitally. And above all, my drawing skills, something that stood out, but only slightly (too bad it wasn't enough to attract the girl I liked/liked). I think all of that already framed me as someone who could be useful. For that reason, I think I managed to end up in a group (the group of classmates I was with for the rest of university).
Even if they found me funny, or at least tolerated me, ultimately I felt that my true key role was simply being able to solve homework assignments or projects, and helping them with that too. A mistake meant noticeable anger or annoyance from the group. I didn't feel very free. I had to be "useful." But I was already getting tired of it being like that. I longed to also be someone who didn't have a clue, who could trust another person and calmly ask for opinions, someone who could solve some crap two by two without the burden of "I'm asking for help, but they really expect me to solve everything, and perfectly."
The part about "not including me, in the end and throughout all this time, in parties or more social gatherings" is understandable. But I think it was very, very justifiable. Aside from my odd personality and lack of confidence in crowded environments, I also lived far away.
Very far away, from the capital where the university was located.
Because of that, I felt that forming relationships or strengthening pseudo-friendships was going to be impossible. Public transportation stopped at night after 9 pm. How was I going to get home? Whose house could I stay at? What if they really didn't care so much that in that situation they would have preferred to send me home in an Uber or some other shady ride, instead of being willing to put me up for the night, as they would do for their friends?
And of course, my mom, who has always been a control freak, wasn't going to let me go to a party and enjoy myself. And since she had the operation in December and can't do any physical activity due to her recovery, I now have to deal with the entire burden of the household chores. Much less energy, much less strength, and far fewer opportunities to go out.
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I think I have, at the very least, two main interactions. One is more like a friendship with a classmate who, frankly, has helped me a lot with drives and, in general, with not being a total social outcast. We have a good sense of humor. So... yeah, I don't have to abandon him, at least not so suddenly, because since there's no more university, well, I don't know how things will develop. I don't know if the interaction will really survive based solely on sending memes, and maybe some life problem that comes up for him.
The other interaction is recent; it's with girl M, the one I fell for. And this is, painfully, the one I'm most certain will end. Half an hour ago, she sent me a TikTok about... something. But the important thing is that I have to accept that it simply means she sees me as a good classmate, in the best possible way. But I get jealous when I see her getting along better with other guys around me, when she seems to avoid being near me for very long in person. I don't know if it's because of what she once told me, that I seem too serious. Or if she simply doesn't like me.
That's it. BUT, I'll stop overthinking, like I try to promise myself every time. And admit that... the interaction with girl M might not have much of a future. Maybe it will last as long as the need and desire to keep interacting with her university classmates lasts. Maybe her messages will become more occasional. Maybe I'll want to reciprocate and keep the interaction alive, but then I might overdo it and send a lot of messages, bothering her. Tell her I like her? Well, ChatGPT asked me a question about that.
If I did, would it be because that's how I could truly close this chapter with her? Or would it actually be selfish, and I'd only be doing it as a pointless attempt to change things? And potentially leaving things awkward between us, of course. "Ruining a friendship for the selfish desire to h___ with her," although my goal isn't just to h_____ with her and that's it (that would disgust me enough), but to have a full relationship. Considering I'm not that much of a "friend" with her.
I think.
I suppose...
I suppose that the best thing would be... not to get too involved. Maybe send occasional TikToks. Think about how it will get weirder, until the memory of the chats about homework and monographs with girl M becomes a bitter, hazy memory of when I thought I might have a chance with her, or that it meant something to her beyond mere help.
((유∀유|||))
I'd be curious to read these words again. Will I have a partner? Haha, I doubt it. Will I be in love with someone else again, and will I try to read what I wrote in this post? Or will I still be with girl M, hoping that the situation will be better? With her already being someone else? Or just an almost ghostly contact?
I guess I'll immerse myself in music. It won't be so bad after all.
Especially since I'm not sure how to go on now.
Living a monotonous, solitary life isn't fun.
Drawing could be an escape. While I maintain this pseudo-friendly interaction with guy R (I have to admit, I'm afraid to think of him as a "just in case" friend, you know, betrayals, that kind of thing).
And with girl M? Well... I don't know.
I guess, at the very least, it's proof that I don't know how to make friends, or keep them.
