Am I a failure?
I think so.
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This is officially my second-to-last week at university. I'm lying, actually, because next week there are still "classes," if you can even call them that, because the professors are just going to give crappy lectures that nobody listens to except those who go there out of obligation or to look good even if they don't really want to. Contracts, contracts, haha.
This day was... pure shit.
6 7 !
There's not much to say about it. My mother is doing a little better, and honestly, that's good. Because I'm getting fed up. My mom has been constantly monitoring and criticizing everything I do. I try my best, or rather, I used to try my best, because... I'm abandoned. I have no one else. Who else does the laundry? Who else dusts? Who else sweeps the rooms? Who else takes care of the soil? Who else cooks so we can eat and survive another day?
I'm not asking for the highest praise because, obviously, what I do is, in general, shit. But I would like constructive support. Not the same destructive kind that reminds me of my childhood, when making a mistake meant my mother's absolute hatred for, hopefully, the rest of the day. If not, the whole week. Now I feel pressured. I don't feel at home anymore. My home is when I'm alone and she's asleep. And that's when I take the opportunity to see if I can wallow in self-pity. I only managed to cry one night.
This day was filled with more intense criticism. She criticized my lack of strength because, you know, in real life I'm a very overweight guy and a wimp who, despite all the fat, doesn't seem to have invested any muscle, that my limbs are shit. Many people tell me that, that my hands look like a woman's. In general, I see myself as an anomaly, and that makes me secretly insecure. They also often make jokes that maybe I should look better for a transvestite or a gay . Like: shit, I'm not into that. I want a classic woman. A beauty if possible of course, but above all, a woman with a good character. Not that she has to save me from everything, but she could at least be understanding. To grow morally together and face the world with courage.
But I get the impression that I don't deserve that, not even her company.
Today I felt that M was more hostile than usual. Yesterday and another day before that, when we were out, I was experimenting with being closer to her because I'm attracted to her confidence and freedom. And it seemed like she was responding, because she responded with playful touches. Moments when I felt reciprocated. But today she was more hostile; I sensed an aura that said n̸̡̢̢̳͔̭͕͍̜̜̲̩̤̠̦̻̩̺̖̼͖͍̜̙̭̮̆͑̓̀͊̐͌̒̔͗͜͠͝ͅõ̵̡̹̞͔͍͙͍͍̙̫̖̰̖͉͎̠̏̈̉͑̒̊̄̄̈́͑́̓̚͘͜, that I shouldn't get any closer. For me, it feels like a sign of a complete isolation. It hurted more before. But now I don't know, I feel deep down that it was bound to happen.
She likes men who are presumably handsome. That's already a huge disadvantage. The next step is having status and being self-assured, constantly pursuing her, showing her interest. And well, I've tried that, but I feel like when I try to show that I care, she looks at me with eyes that say, "Huh? What are you trying to do? I don't need you."
The big conclusion is that... I've simply been playing at having alternatives. At having a chance at friendships, at finding love, at resolving my family issues, my shyness, and improving myself socially. Now everyone's talking about what they'll do in the future. But either I'm the most listless person ever, or my reality looks so bleak that I don't even think about the future, I don't think about a happy future.
I have no refuge. I thought I had people I could call "friends," but I doubt it. I feel more like the guy people can ask to do their homework or whatever they need. It's only then that I manage to be heard and included. But what if I wasn't even mentally clear-headed?
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"You're... weird." That's what girl M told me. She also told me I'm good for nothing. I hope she was joking; I've always been bad at telling if something's a joke or a real attack. Like... sure, because helping you finish your monograph is synonymous with me being good for nothing.
But yes. I'm a residual. If I'm not great, not a genius, and this is true, then I'm just weird. Weird in that I don't interact, so it's not even worth being around me. By extension, I also don't have the soulmate I thought could complete me.
I'm lying; I did know she couldn't complement me. Because of her whole past, experiences, and way of seeing life. I was simply clinging to the idea of not being alone, of "changing her." I don't know what I was thinking, what I'm thinking now. But when she has another goal, and we go together but she gets ahead as if I don't exist, I feel like just going somewhere else and sinking alone. Because we're nothing, yet I still feel like I'm being dragged along.
There will be nothing more after this semester ends. No love, no friends, no opportunities. No secure family. The criticism at home will now be 24/7 because I'll be home all day, trying to avoid the fact that my final project is unfeasible. A notification just arrived, and even though I always say I'm constantly strengthening myself, I actually feel an electric shock in my heart. Could it be her?
Hey, it was her! Even though it was in the group chat.
Hey, I still have...
After all...
Some hope...
.................................................................... No.
There's no room for hope. Not for her. No, for anyone.
I'm just another NPC.
As this period ends, there will be no more reason to keep writing to her. Or replying. I won't deny what I felt. When I sat near her and she wasn't bothered. I felt warmth. Even if it was something she gave to just about anyone, so there was another level of warmth she only gave to those she truly liked. Even if it was fake, fleeting, or something that only lasted for that moment because there was simply no one else interesting.
I don't feel the energy to write. I don't have the energy to draw anymore. I've failed myself again. What I want is a normal life where I feel content with myself, with friends, family, and a girlfriend I can trust and feel fulfilled. In the end, everything I've done has been to fill the void of not being heard. And look at that. I haven't even managed it online. I do appreciate, however, the few comments that my work (artistic; my writing is crap) is good.
Even so. I feel that the truth of human presence is still missing. I am an individual of a social species; it's biological that I don't like being alone. But I can't help it. I don't have any realistic job opportunities. So, am I just stuck at home, taking care of my mother while she attacks and emotionally destroys me, and accepting that "it's better than a toxic, attention-seeking relationship"?
Probably so.
