In search of the ideal reflection. On things and contexts.

I feel so calm right now, despite the usual pain in one of my fingers (how I hate it). 

No, but seriously. The rain is gently pattering on the roof. The night is cold, and I've paused for a moment from writing the amphibian guide. Illustration 31 of protists is almost finished; I just need to add a few details and the names of the organelles. The amphibian guide is still a work in progress, but I'm making as much progress as I can. I've already started working on the illustrations for my final project. I need to finish it soon because it's already October, and it's been almost two years since I got stuck on it. And there's what looks like a premature presentation of my final project coming up at one of those crappy conferences they always put on at the university. I don't really like the idea, but mother was getting anxious, and I had to ask her if I was going to present my final project in front of an audience so she wouldn't ask the administration, because I'm afraid she'll find out the truth. No, actually, I'm afraid of their reaction, that they'll definitely humiliate me in front of everyone.

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There are so many things I have to do. But now, in light of this playlist, I feel somewhat less haunted. I imagine happy scenarios with people who were already in the past. Lately, I haven't had any memories with girl M or with (2)1(1)_11(2)-(2)1(1)-(3)1-11(1)1. Could you say I got over those pseudo-phases with them? 

(ᵕ—ᴗ—)

I don't really know. But either way, I don't care because, well, they're in the past. K44levy carries more weight somehow. It was obvious, even though I know it was all orchestrated.

I'm reading the Super no Ura de Yani Suu Futari manga. You probably know what I'm talking about, one of the latest hits of the year, about a forty-something office worker who strikes up a friendship with a cashier, and the relationship seems to gradually deepen. It's a calm manga, and I like its tone.

I'm rooting for their happiness.

•𐃷•

My reflection is that what I like, in general, is calmness. Despite the negative passivity it eventually brings. You know, not taking risks means you don't experience misfortunes, but neither do you experience the potential rewards. I think I'm more inclined to avoid misfortunes, although sometimes my impulses lead me to misfortunes or disappointments, and not so much to true rewards. That's why I think I like calm.

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I had a virtual English class. You know, because I have to finish my thesis, or else this investment in certifications will be a huge mistake. The typical crappy classes where they force you to talk to strangers online to practice speaking, which I actually need to improve a lot. Today's topic was about finding happiness in a place. A standard video of a guy who went on a trip to Copenhagen, the happiest city in the world, at least in the time frame of the video. Then a round of questions where I had to give substantial answers in English to demonstrate my level of... English.

One of the questions was about where I feel most at home, what a place would need to have for me to feel like home... And I was thinking... I haven't really felt truly at home. Every place I've been has always presented at least one major drawback. Here with mother, everything is stable and the cold weather is pleasant, but having to live in anticipation of when she'll snap is exhausting, eventually. Going off without permission to the capital and just spending time on the grass at the university seems to give me relaxing vibes for a moment, but I'm constantly aware of the danger around me, since it's an area where I can be temporarily, not permanently. Where my father is, I have the advantage of being with someone who doesn't demand as much of me, but the weather is awful, and the people in the neighborhood too; I felt threatened on all fronts. Thank goodness Dad was there to escort me.

Apparently: X:@myntx__ IG:@myntx__

........................................... So, where do I truly feel at peace? 

With k44levy, I felt equally out of place and like I was making a huge mistake. And that's where I completely laid myself bare.

I think my true home is wherever I have at least a phone or a computer. And where I can simply research or read about something random. With no intentions or greater goal than to pass the time. Alone.

☢️

And I don't mean that in a negative sense of loneliness. I think that, ultimately, I feel most comfortable when I'm absorbed in my thoughts with no threats around me. Listening to my favorite music. To the sound of raindrops. Not bravery. Not great rewards. But not risks either. Stability, that's what I seem to be looking for in the end. To live without feeling guilty for existing.

Lately I've been listening to a lot of vaporwave. I've stopped listening to dubstep and future funk. Sometimes I feel like listening to music from the eighties or nineties, leaning towards the calmer stuff. Don't get me wrong, I still like the other styles, dubstep still appeals to me. But right now, when I listen to them, I don't feel any excitement.

I only feel the joy of a good melody, but no emotion. With vaporwave, right now, that's not the case. Well, it depends on the music, too. But I'm repeating the songs of "desert sand feels warm at night" to myself; his music has a calmness and slowness that coincides with my passive solitude at this moment. 

Because at other times I preferred romantic music, but that was because I had a specific ghost on my mind. It seems that's no longer the case. I don't feel sad exactly; I don't know if this is described as nostalgia for past moments when it seemed I was going to reach the ideal.

As if the ideal was ever even real at any point in the history of life. But that doesn't matter. Because perfection lies in the moments that, right now, make me feel welcome. The solitude, the tranquility, the serenity of this moment. They give me an inexplicable warmth. I feel that fear doesn't exist while I write, taking refuge in vaporwave. While I plan my to-dos for tomorrow. To the rhythm of the song's slow, deep voices.

I hope to stay stable for a while longer, even if I don't make any progress. 

But I need to focus on finishing the final project. 

I hope the calm lasts. I hope I don't go off the rails and face the stoats again. If it happens... I'll definitely tell you about it.

Do I remember anyone right now?

No.

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟

I suppose my father.

I hope he's well.

I hope I can meet with him again.

I hope I can give him a more appropriate hug from someone my age.

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟

Ultimately, I suppose k44levy also occupies an important place in my mind. I should dedicate a drawing to him, an illustration of a protist.

Yes... that would be... ideal.

Ik bin net yn steat om myn doelen te foltôgjen

=^._.^= ∫

I don't want to go to any more doctor's appointments. It's exhausting to imagine having to spend money on that instead of spending quality time with someone. What if I have a mole that looks suspicious because of its irregular shape? What if I have suspicious inflammation in my gallbladder? What if I have an abnormal curvature in my spine? Well, those are the things that definitely make me feel weak. 

Actually, I am weak. I'm not writing this out of self-pity or a desire to be in pain; I'm just feeling disconnected as I write. I'm trying to write a guide, and I set a certain number of species to finish soon. But it seems to be getting longer. Oh well, at least I've got about five species covered. I hope to finish it eventually. How about before the end of the year? Hmm, I don't know.

That's a lie. These last years, I'm incapable of finishing anything I set my mind to. I used to feel invincible when it came to writing anything. But just seeing the sheer effort involved seems to overwhelm me. How, then, do I plan to live like this? That's what's troubling me right now.

0_null is stupid. Why are all the people around me imperfect and, eventually, awful? She doesn't realize that Individual S is cheating on her with others. I know I should keep it a secret, but honestly, I think it's a total mess. And 0_null is still so in love with this guy. So why do I keep supporting Individual S? I know perfectly well. It's not even because I consider him "the closest thing to a friend" because I've never considered anyone a friend. Least of all Individual S, who has shown signs of aggression when I couldn't help him with something. As far as I'm concerned, he can go to hell if he wants. The main reason I'm still in contact with him is for some business opportunity or help in case everything about me comes out and I get kicked out. 

But I don't feel safe.

I feel so sorry for 0_null. Why did I end up in this situation, knowing about their awful situations? I should have distanced myself from and insulted Individual S as soon as I could. In fact, I've already let him know that he's a piece of shit for being like that; even the ermines harassed him when he was in that penthouse with that random he told me about. His mother was furious with him. Obviously. 

So was I. 

Because 0_null has a similar sense of humor to mine. If I were 0_null's boyfriend, I wouldn't treat her or cheat on her like that. God knows the last thing I'd want is to betray the special person who makes me feel complete.

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But there's nothing I can do about it. Hah, a small aside: this was supposed to be short. That said, all the more reason this profile, everything related to DOTkamina, should remain hidden from almost everyone. Well, at least from those I know. I know I'm putting myself at risk. But these are things that, honestly, I can't just keep quiet about sometimes. 

I'm sorry.