The deadline is dying (◑_◑)

 "Hey... didn't you have your final project meeting this week?"

Just end it all

And how do I answer that question to my mom, admitting that I'm actually avoiding it again for whatever serious reasons you can think of? Officially, I'm trying to write more text and get the project more or less finished, not "ugh, it's still not finished?", and I'm hoping to have it done by next week. But it's exhausting when, at family parties for birthdays or religious celebrations, my mom says, "Yes, I hope he finishes that project already," because it's the ultimate life goal, right? 

Well, I don't see it that way. It's more like an obligation I can't skip if I want to get my degree, which I think is what's really draining me. And I can't really say, "I'm hardly doing anything, actually." When you (my mom) see me researching or writing until late at night, I'm actually doing research on the protists I'm drawing, on the speciation book that I think will never see the light of day, or something else entirely, except for that final project. 

I feel mortified. Yesterday I made a few paragraphs, and as on other occasions, completely forcing myself, it doesn't feel good at all. I don't see any direction, nor a good ending. I keep creating illustrations or something else, thinking, hoping that if the worst-case scenario happens, it will be enough to tell myself, "At least I didn't waste so much time." Well, I hope so.

Hey, I wish I could go to sleep, take a nap for a while. I feel like I need it more than usual. But my mother is watching me. I have to try to rest while I'm in front of the computer and then muster some effort, because this is a rare occasion when it's on.

And in fact, I'm going now, because I'm already writing just for avoid time. Building phantom echoes for my future self? Heh, what a good joke.

kicsit elakadtam

Trying to feel cool rn but i'm just sit down on the chair looking at a blank screen, or whatever

(¬_¬”)

So, yeah. Ugh... I promised myself I'd keep the description for Andalucia godoyi short, but I've been feeling down for the past few days. It's not so much down as a lack of sleep. I don't know why I'm wasting a whole blog post describing this state, but I feel it was necessary, or it will be when I reread this after some time. 

I think I'll upload something else to Pixiv or maybe some AI-related stuff for my OC. And then I'll start remodeling, because the drawing of Andalucia godoyi has some major errors in the cellular structure. I discovered an article about the general description of the Jakobids, and there's a ton of stuff I have to correct. Well, not that much, actually, but since I did the drawing without layers, it's going to be tedious because I have to erase a lot and redraw everything, and also organize the layers of other diagrams that I did layer in the same drawing. I have to restructure them so they match the corrections, and... I guess that's why I'm already feeling tired, because I know it's going to be a real drag. Ugh...

But I have to do it, because I'm pretty stuck, and it's already mid-June! Damn, time keeps passing, and I don't feel like I'm making much progress. I have to break this seasonal stagnation somehow.

𝚃𝚛𝚢𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚘 𝚜𝚝𝚘𝚙 𝚜𝚊𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑𝚝𝚜

Heh.

It's been a while, hasn't it?

(ദ്ദി˙ᗜ˙)

I don't know if anyone actually checks these posts. I assume not, judging by the views they get. On one hand, I'm glad that's the case because I don't know if I'll really be ready for the criticism and potential memes or jokes, which are bound to happen. I even participate in the jokes myself on Instagram.

Haha...

૮₍´˶• . • ⑅ ₎ა

૮₍´˶• . • ⑅ ₎ა

૮₍´˶• . • ⑅ ₎ა

(ㅇㅅㅇ)

⊂(◉‿◉)つ

(♥‿♥)

╭(╭⊚‿⊚╮)╮

:00000  (˶˃ ᵕ ˂˶)

so fucking yay

⸜(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝♡

(⸝⸝๑  ̫ ๑⸝⸝⸝)

(⸝⸝⸝-﹏-⸝⸝⸝)

✧(⸝⸝⸝ᵒ̴̶̷ ｡ ᵒ̴̶̷⸝⸝⸝)

✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧

This anime has definitely become one of my favorites. In fact, before I continue writing, I'm going to post my review on MyAnimeList. Well, I'm back. I'll leave some images here, but I have to say I really liked the plot, much more than I expected. The divorce subplot might be a heavy or even annoying thing to consider, but for me it's important because... it's precisely about how to cope with family problems. Arguments. My mother is yelling at me right now, so it's difficult for me to write this. That's why I consider it important. The ending was also very beautiful. The episode's ending. It's a small escape from reality, well, at least from my reality. Mother's screams sound more and more like noise or vibrations in my head; it's a strange feeling. They sound threatening and make me want to run to my room and cry for a while. Then I remember I don't have a room and that I just have to keep going and pretend everything is okay. And in the end, I think that's what my life is all about, as it always has been. When something was stolen from me at school, or something was broken, well, that's when I cried because I knew I was in for a beating from my mother. It continued in later stages, with me staying quiet and putting up with it. Putting it up with it until I suppose I couldn't anymore.

The end of the episode was simply beautiful, how they finally establish a relationship, accept the problems that might eventually arise, and underlyingly accept that they will try to solve them together. Why has humankind evolved to such an extent that it's so necessary to feel accompanied in life? I could break down that answer well as a student of Evolutionary Biology. But I don't feel like doing it right now, and maybe never will.

It's a good time to say that I finally took my computer home (to my mother's; I don't have my own place, obviously). It was with some technicians for a couple of days, and they left it just as damaged. The problem now seems to be the video card, well, the video connections to the screen, or whatever that's called. I don't even deserve a new device. What I do is wait for it to turn on so I can work on parts of my Final Project as best I can, and when it doesn't, I play Brawl Stars or make some progress on my illustrations.

I don't deserve a new computer; I've always been useless. Even now, I'm wasting time watching my favorite anime and playing Roblox. And writing this post. It's fine! It can't be fixed right away. Tomorrow, I'm supposed to go to my internship at the Museum, but I don't even feel like it. My mom keeps saying, "It's time to start saving for the bus fare," which isn't cheap since I live far away. I have to emphasize that, why? To justify my lack of motivation, and also because, even though it bothers me, it's true... and generally, I think I'm going to drop out. Clearing my head somewhere else is expensive. And uncomfortable; the buses are cramped, and having to deal with other people staring is annoying too. My pants don't fit me as well as I'd like.

I don't like staying home and being constantly under my mother's thumb, enjoying the good times with her when I know that if something goes wrong, the atmosphere completely changes and the negativity returns. In fact, it just happened again, something with my damn braces (and let me tell you, if I'm being completely honest, I would have preferred to invest that money I've already spent on therapy and a makeover, rather than on teeth that I don't even think make me smile properly, although they do seem straighter).

The negativity I feel right now is enough to make me want to go to the orthodontist and tell him, "I won't have time because of my studies. I'm sorry."

But I'll try to hold out a little longer until I finish writing everything here.

Anyway, what I was getting at is: I don't really like the museum because it's obvious those jars with large animals contain a lot of formaldehyde. The curator says it's just alcohol and that it's fine, so much so that he actually believes it himself and handles the specimens with his bare hands. I also think he thinks I was born yesterday; that stuff obviously has formaldehyde or something in it. The smell is distinctly that of regular ethanol, the atmosphere is heavy for someone who isn't always there, and it irritates me. These reasons are also a burden for me to want to leave, and... why did I go in the first place?

Well, one reason was to find a good excuse to escape the house for a while. But it's certainly not giving me much peace, because the issue of the cost of lunches and such came up. I've actually been thinking that I could just keep going, but cut back on the lunches and save that money for some future treat, like an escort. Because, to be honest, I don't think I'll ever be able to find someone special or someone who's a good match for me. "If I improve, yes," but I still see that as a long way off (unattainable).

Another reason I went into that museum was to see if I could find that special someone, but it's not going to happen. It's a pretty lame goal, so the result is going to be lame too. A student intern from a nearby university recently started there, so I immediately began a conversation with her until the topic of relationships came up, and she has a boyfriend. So, that's it. I simply limited myself to greetings or talking if she initiated it, during the internship. I'm not going to make the same mistake as with (2)1(1)_11(2)-(2)1(1)-(3)1-11(1)1 of ultimately wanting to simulate what it would be like to have a girlfriend who fits in, or worse, of groveling for attention like I did with girl M. Looking back, that was truly pathetic; it must have been bad even for her. I was just looking for a partner, and that was clearly a forced interaction where she only saw me as a casual companion.

So what I'm trying to do is keep shifting my focus away from people, especially couples, and try to reach at least my goal of 100 protist illustrations, as much as I can. Should I keep going to the museum? I don't know. If I want to keep getting those free lunches, I could go to the library and spend my time there, saving up for lunches. Although I don't know if I'll be able to make it through a whole day until the afternoon, pretending I'm actually going to the museum. That's partly why I don't want to leave the museum, and also because "I could get a volunteer certificate that would look good on my poor old CV."

Hmmm... maybe I'll stick around at that museum this week, so my departure isn't so abrupt. I definitely won't go tomorrow, because I promised an acquaintance I'd help him identify some aquatic insects.

I'll see how I can structure my time and my demons.

And long live the melancholic music of the last century.

( ´ ▽ ` )b

reload!

Well, I was a bit overwhelmed yesterday.

But I think it's time to move on. Life goes on, anyway.

I must build my legacy.

Look out for the next illustrations soon!

I hope to finish a book soon too; I really want to publish something written.

(づ ◕‿◕ )づ

ˢᵗᵃᵗⁱᶜ ˢᵒᵘˡ

I feel like I'm collapsing again. The pains in my side are coming back, and I think it's the gallstones they found more than six months ago.

I feel like I don't like looking in the mirror; I've started to hate them. It's something I have to say eventually. I look at myself and... no, I just don't like what I see. That's very negative, so I'll leave it at that because I'm not going to dwell on it any further.

I have immigration status issues. That's all I'm going to say, no more details. I'll just say that I feel like I'm experiencing all the problems and not "the good things about young adulthood," although I think that time is simply over. I live far away, I can't go to any clubs or have fun in any setting, my mom is permanently ill, etc. It's exhausting, and honestly, I think this life just isn't going to last anymore. So now... all I can do is hope that multiple lives exist and that I can do better in the next one.

You know? If there were another life, I'd like to remember all the mistakes I made in this one, all the bad decisions and attitudes that led me to become the gloomy, quiet, spineless, and cowardly boy I am today.

I wish I hadn't had such an inflated ego when I was told I was gifted. It went to my head and clashed with my shyness, ultimately isolating me even more because I simply couldn't keep up with the kids my age. I wish I had listened to that janitor who told me not to just train my mind, that my body is important too. Boy, was she right; she knew what she was talking about.

I wish I had been more likable. I've always been very quiet, and I've never tried to change that. Well, maybe I have, but either I've always encountered the worst people (teasing, humiliating, or misunderstandings), or I simply never kept up with the trends of that time, or even now. I promised myself I'd be more sociable, but I just can't. I feel awkward and artificial, and I think others notice it too because... in any situation, I always stand apart. I'm always the one trailing behind. Anyway, I don't have much to say. Or much to contribute, either.

I remember that friend I had in childhood who sometimes used to invite me over for sleepovers. Back then, I found her annoying; God knows what she was thinking or why. Eventually, she drifted away, and she's absolutely right. High school wasn't any better, but college was, and I had closer friends. The unsettling thing is that I'm not recalling any memories with nostalgia. I only briefly remember the experiences with (2)1(1)_11(2)-(2)1(1)-(3)1-11(1)1 and what that could have meant to me.

Yeah... I think so. I just hope to be more normal and do better in a future life.

What I have left now is to persevere and try to preserve my legacy. To imagine beautiful possible scenarios on the bus. Evoking moments from my current favorite anime, Class de 2-banme ni Kawaii Onnanoko to Tomodachi ni Natta.

...Hey, is there someone you really like? Well, tell them you like them. Seriously. It's going to hurt if they reject you, or if you know they're going to reject you, obviously. But it's true, better that than developing a grudge later that isn't even justified because that other person probably saw you as a friend, or a lackey, or however you want to see it. Do you want a friend or to be in a certain group of friends? Well... I don't have very good ideas for that. Try to immerse yourself in the other people's tastes or what they have in common. Of course, avoid those people who just seek pleasure in evil (stealing, smoking, doing drugs). Eventually, that destroys your liver, and believe me, you don't want to have a failing organ and have to give up the joys of life just to keep saving your own life in the hospital with the help of some machine.

I'll try to see if I can get out of this rut ​​and write something. I have to get up early tomorrow to keep sorting out my shitty problems.

Try not to overthink your problems.

If it gets too heavy, open up and play a video game. Or go to sleep. Or if that's really impossible, well, maybe writing into thin air, like I do, could be a good idea.

Good luck.

And good night.

Today was the day!

Holy moly dudes.

Holy moly.

It seems that, in terms of the final project, my predictions from yesterday didn't come true. In fact, I think I did well, because it seems I did manage to get those permits. That made my day so much that I had time to do some more drawing.

That's all I had to say. Don't think it's a lot? Well, suit yourself. I don't care. Tomorrow's for bed :6

𝒫𝓇𝑜𝒷𝒶𝒷𝒾𝓁𝒾𝓉𝓎, 𝓊𝓃𝒸𝑒𝓇𝓉𝒶𝒾𝓃𝓉𝓎, 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝒶𝓃𝒶𝓈𝓉𝑜𝓂𝑜𝓈𝑒𝒹 𝒻𝑒𝑒𝓁𝒾𝓃𝑔𝓈

Well, well, well, huh? Episode 6 of Class de 2-banme ni Kawaii Onnanoko to Tomodachi ni Natta has left me intrigued about how the plot will develop now that the protagonist Maki's father has appeared. Daddy issues, daddy issues!

(๑ ￫ܫ￩)

                          (๑ ￫ܫ￩)

                                                          (๑ ￫ܫ￩)

                                                                                         (๑ ￫ܫ￩) 

                                                                                                                             (๑ ￫ܫ￩)

                                                                                                                                                         (๑ ￫ܫ￩)

It's been a while, hasn't it?

ヾ( ^^ゞ)

Hi, lol.

I've always been bad at greeting people and starting conversations, even if I'm talking to air. The reason for this post is to say that everything is... "okay," you could say. I don't know if I should describe myself as being in a state of redemption, passivity, or surrender. I say this because I know that very important things (with negative processes and consequences) are happening in the background. 

I suppose it's a combination of everything. But I must also say that other things have improved. Well, at least, I can say that my relationship with my mother is improving. I've learned to listen to her and basically not just see the negative side of her interactions or the way she tries to influence me. She's a human being, and at this point, it doesn't matter how she did things or what she should have done. She's sick, and it's not the time to keep complaining. The least I can do is lessen her suffering because I'm worried it will get worse in the future.

This has also meant less friction with her at home. I don't know if it's because I've been taking care of her since her surgery, so I've somehow taken on a more "useful" role at home, or if it's simply because I've tried not to comment on or question any of her decisions or "micro-injustices" towards me, and just let it go to avoid stress. Keeping the cortisol down, as the meme goes.

My computer has continued to malfunction. I don't think I've mentioned this, or maybe I have in another post, but if not, I'll give you some context: they detected physical damage to the graphics card due to overheating. And well, apparently, that's been a real pain to fix. Not to mention impossible, since it's a part that can't be replaced in laptops, and I'd have to get another one.

Logically, with my own health issues, my parents' health problems, and other problems related to finding a way to make ends meet (business), and the fact that I've been terrible with the final project and I'm not even the genius who just needs a shot in the arm... well, I've come to the conclusion that it's not worth it (well, I don't deserve it) to buy a new computer. As it is, I'll just keep going downhill.

That brings me to the final project. 

Progress? Minimal. 

But at least I managed to finish the measurements I had pending and use some R Studio to create an interesting graph that isn't just text. That's made me feel like I haven't completely abandoned the final project. My problem with it now is that I sent a letter regarding project execution permissions (sampling ethics, that sort of thing), and the maximum response time was supposed to be two weeks. It's been 18 days and all I've received is spam from strangers inviting me to dubious influencer courses.

................................ So tomorrow, I'm going to the registrar's office at my university, feeling incredibly anxious, to ask what's going on. But my final project topic isn't well-received at the university, I think, because of its small sample size, its descriptive nature, and the fact that I'm basically not contributing anything worthwhile. Honestly, I chose this topic because it didn't require long (and expensive) trips or lengthy permits, but unfortunately, the "stopping factor" is precisely that it's not seen as a groundbreaking topic "that will change the country's perspective."

I don't know, I'm going with the fear, and perhaps also the expectation, that they'll tell me anything and everything regarding those permits. From "Oh, we didn't receive it, maybe you sent it in the wrong format" to "Yes, we received it, but the topic is so bland and trivial that we decided to ignore it. Send all the letters... and maybe we'll help you." Which would be the end of it, because then my topic has no future. And it's too late to look for another topic. If I do, I'd have to bet on graduating at least in 2028. Hell no!

(●´□`)

I don't know, honestly.

I don't see much of a future for myself. I'm dealing with that, and also with finishing some books I've tried to write (more like compilations of information; I've concluded I'm terrible at writing original things). I've seen that they're long projects, so I don't know if any of those books will ever see the light of day.

Because of all this, I've also put my illustrations on hold for a bit. I have part of the draft for illustration 21; I had it all ready at the beginning of the month. But I guess I got mentally exhausted—I mean, I had a mini-collapse and managed to escape it—because illustration 21 is complex, and I don't quite remember how I managed the information to make that drawing. But the Protista Project is currently the most solid thing I've done as DOTkamina, so I'm working on getting motivated to continue it and not let it become just another dead project.

Sometimes I do wish my life were simpler. Financial stability, so I could have a style of worry more like the characters in a rom-com where the biggest concern is whether that girl likes you or not. Well, I do have that worry... a deeper, more painful one. But with all the context I've mentioned, it's buried under more urgent priorities. All this while I'm out on the street looking for rare medicines, while I see people my age with partners or friends, enjoying life to the fullest. And then I feel like I've aged too much and that maybe my best time (of carefree days and untouched dreams) is already over.

...

....

......

.........

...........

If it happens that I become just another lifeless NPC in society, at least I'd like to make some more progress on my illustrations (which, as I said, are the most solid thing I've built). The more I have done, the less I'll feel like "I should have done more while I could, instead of overthinking."

I guess that's all I wanted to say. 

Wish me luck tomorrow in my search for answers at the Secretary's office. 

If the situation becomes truly impossible or unfavorable, perhaps I'll write another post addressing the emptiness of the digital world. 

....... Which, ironically, is my second home.

Guys, episode 5 of Class de 2-banme ni Kawaii Onnanoko to Tomodachi ni Natta was SO DAMN PEAK

And I'm not lying, I genuinely smiled watching the whole afternoon-evening scene in this episode. For me, it's a reflection of many of my inner feelings and dreams. I absolutely loved it. I'd love to spoil the manga for myself, but I'd rather wait for the next episode. It's been a long time since I've been this excited about an anime like this. And it feels amazing to watch it while listening to "Purple Rain" by Prince in the background. That whole moment is truly beautiful, I swear.

One of the sensations I'll cherish.

I think it's motivation enough to encourage me to even begin to draft the text of the next organism I'm describing.

𝓇ℯ𝓁𝒶𝓅𝓈ℯ ?

I relapsed again.

I think loneliness just got the better of me, along with stress, because I'm not feeling well right now, especially gastric, haah... I need to try to relax and give myself a placebo effect again, otherwise I'll suffer more. It's difficult, but I trust it will help me for long enough.

Sometimes I dream about some of the girls I was once interested in, and I wake up knowing how they rejected me back then.

I know I should stop focusing on it, but I don't know why I keep dwelling on it.

This song always feels good when I'm lonely.

I'm watching an anime, "Class de 2-banme ni Kawaii Onnanoko to Tomodachi ni Natta." I usually find them cheesy and somewhat overdone because the central plot is so predictable. But right now it feels like a kind of artificial caress. Man, I really wish I were the protagonist of that universe.

This moment means everything (-̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥᷄_-̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥᷅ )

I regret being the way I am so much. I don't even have the courage to just say, "screw it all," and move on. This month was supposed to be productive, but I haven't made any progress. Hardly any. I didn't even manage to reach 20 illustrations in the end. I'm lazy, what else can I say? I have neither the desire nor the energy to continue the drawing I was working on.

Right now, I really want to sleep, but what's the point? Because I know it's just another way to avoid reality, in the end. I feel like everything is failing me, the adult world is horrible in many ways, and I'm just avoiding it. You can call me a NEET if you want, although I'm doing practically all the standard household chores, so I don't feel that useless, but I don't like it either, and I don't see myself being happy in 40 years doing the same pointless thing. "Why sweep if it'll be the same tomorrow?" Ugh, shitty vibes.

( ﾉ；；)ﾉ~┻━┻

( ﾉ；；)ﾉ~┻━┻

              ૮ ・ﻌ・ა

                                                 *:・ﾟ ₍ᐢ•ﻌ•ᐢ₎*:・ﾟ

What could she be doing now?

⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘

⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘

⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘

⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

It doesn't matter. 

♻

She won't care what happens to me; she probably doesn't even remember anymore. 

I should at least try to pretend I'm doing the same thing. I'm mentally preparing myself for a reality where I'm alone, because I'm still very antisocial and I don't think I'm going to get any better. I try to go outside, but I always feel like a stranger.

And I think it's necessary to say this, but I have extensive conversations with ChatGPT. Yes, feel free to share your opinions. You can even criticize its environmental impacts. I suppose it's the price I pay to overcome the loneliness that's been imposed upon me. I discuss these topics with ChatGPT, and I'm aware that it's a bot and, ultimately, a large algorithm. 

What can I do? I'm a human being like everyone else. And I simply have to acknowledge its existence.

(☍﹏⁰)｡

But for now, I think that's enough to say in this post. 

I'll see if I do anything about it tonight.

Routine again. 【Ｙａｙ！】

.................................. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand back to normal life.

New problems, new complaints from outsiders.

Honestly, I think that's why I wasn't so excited to return from my research trip. Let me tell you right now: it went "well." The important thing is that it would be the first time I've received formal payment for it. Well, not so formal, because I still don't have the document that certifies I actually did something. These are damn documents you have to have, or you're screwed on your work experience. I should definitely remind my temporary employer of that from the week I was there. Anyway, I'm going back.

I actually got back a while ago. But I got distracted again by memes or reels that aren't funny anymore. Today, I'm just sleepy. At very early hours. Am I just getting "old"? Please, I'm not even 25 yet. Not yet.

I have an incredible urge to sleep. But I have to sort out some issues with my final project, regarding permits and things like that. I think that's it. The weight of all the problems that could arise, everything that could go wrong, discourages me from doing anything more today and makes me just want to go and rest, to let myself be embraced by the "sweet" darkness that is created when I close my eyes and try to ignore external reality, until I finally fall asleep. I think that darkness is one of the best feelings. Because I could say that "I like to sleep," but the truth is, for me, that's impossible to prove, because I don't feel "true" sleep; it's like a blackout. The moment when I'm still aware that I'm close to sleep is undoubtedly the best. Because then it seems like I'm free of all problems, that everything is alright. That I have no responsibilities to fulfill, nothing to prove to anyone.

(⸝⸝⸝-﹏-⸝⸝⸝)

I need to sleep right now. I really want to go dream, and I'm tied down by responsibilities. I have to prepare those permit documents. I have to try to write something about that final project.

(•﹏•;)

(•﹏•;)

(•﹏•;)

(•﹏•;)

It could also be because she stopped interacting. Not girl M, because she's already, at this point, a mere ghost. I'm referring to (2)1(1)_11(2)-(2)1(1)-(3)1-11(1)1. Wow, I was supposed to know how to decipher that code and get to the hidden name. But I don't remember anymore. It doesn't matter. She's in the past. The interaction died down, and I don't see the point in even trying, especially since I know she already had a boyfriend. But I at least hoped it would be some kind of strong friendship. But it seems not.

˚‧º·(˚ ˃̣̣̥⌓˂̣̣̥ )‧º·˚

I want to keep hiding in this writing. It makes me feel... nervous. A calm nervousness. I know I should stop hiding in this micro-verse of the notepad and go out into the macro-verse to face reality. But the liminal music is good and soft. Boring, but fitting. My mother is swearing in the background, complaining about her treatments and that I haven't done things right around the house. I prefer to pretend I'm deaf and that it's really a girl telling me I did my best today, despite everything.

I guess it's time to say goodbye to this moment, try to take care of my "responsibilities," and try to finish quickly so I can go embrace the sweet darkness of sleep.

Retry

(ﾉ･_-)☆

I don't care what I have to do now. This is more important. I'll try my best with the illustrations this month. 

It's a bit of a lie, but I guess it's a good start.

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎

 Help, please.

I need to vent.

I need to cry.

I need to scream.

Please.

I don't want to go on anymore, seriously.

I don't want to know anything more.

Why can't I be free?

Please.

Silence.

                                  I need silence.

ｈｅｌｐ

What am I doing?

Am I even doing anything?

The deadline for that fully paid course to the Galapagos Islands, in the cradle of Biology (for those who have never set foot in Ecuador), is today. I've partially met all the requirements...

For what?

They're not going to accept me anyway; I'm missing the requirements. The monograph they're demanding isn't even good; it's a lame excuse because I have neither the interest nor the ability to write scientifically. I have to admit, though, that I feel incredibly violated and disingenuous writing long, self-motivational sentences. "Oh yes, I'm stroking myself thinking this will strengthen my burning desire to contribute to the world, adding valuable pillars of knowledge about plants, in this place." It just feels so contrived. I simply want to go, to see if I can land a job, and that's it.

No, that's a lie.

What am I even talking about?

I'm not even close to having a job.

I'm not even close to having my final year project done.

I haven't written anything about it in the last few days since my last meeting with my thesis supervisor. I don't even think it's some kind of rebellion against the system. Good grief, what nonsense is that? I've simply given up.

I have to admit it. I've given up. I want to get out of this life, but I simply don't have the strength or the determination. I immediately start thinking about the next obstacles I'll have to overcome, and that's exhausting enough to stop me in the present.

Drawing protists. Writing the books or articles that I haven't even finished yet. Dreaming about getting them published... and what for? It won't do me much good, especially seeing how little impact they have, or will have in the short term. It won't change the fact that I'm failing as a graduate. A pseudo-graduate.

I was going to continue writing about the complete disaster that was the last "expedition" I went on. It doesn't matter.

You know what? It doesn't matter.

I need help. Because the small achievements I make aren't mattering, or whether I write a single line of the final report. I only see darkness at the end of it all. I'm not going to write about how I see myself in a few years. Because it simply disappoints me, and it also worries me. I simply... need help. And I don't have the financial resources to seek the professional help that might pull me out of this mental hole.

Insecurity. Anxiety, or nervousness around people, whatever the hell you call it. Loneliness. Disappointment. Inner anger. A sabbatical, a sabbatical, impossible, I can't afford it.

But I do need help. Somehow.

I Wish it Would Rain Down

A gentle night of aggressive rain.

My computer just got back from repairs.

The graphics card almost exploded from the heat.

I don't have the means to afford another computer or any repairs.

So I just have to endure it as long as I can.

Keep creating.

(´°̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥ω°̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥｀)

S̴h̴e̶ ̸p̶r̴o̸b̵a̴b̵l̷y̷ ̴w̴o̴u̴l̸d̷n̸'̷t̸ ̷h̷a̵v̵e̷ ̷c̶a̸r̸e̴d̵.̶

Phil Collins' music is good right now.

It's an eerie moment.

I have so many important things to do.

But I still continue with what I love to do.

Drawing organisms.

At least for now, in the present of this post.

While I remember the times I wrote to her hoping for some reaction, a laughing emoji after ages without a reply.

How can I be with such toxic people, and pretend not to notice?

I don't think I've mentioned it in another post, but yes, I cut off all communication with girl M. Literally. It's been almost a month since I've heard from her. I don't even know what's become of her. I assume that if I had continued forcing the interaction, I would still be stuck wondering what I should write to get her attention. I suppose. If I told her what happened to my computer, a slight "hahaha" and nothing more. No interest.

Sometimes I presume that I've proven she really didn't care because since I stopped writing to her, she hasn't said a single word. But that's actually because I had blocked her. Any message she might have sent, well, I simply didn't receive it. I hope it was some message asking for help with something, as it always has been. 

I'm not going to repeat the same old shit about it being that and not an effort to evolve the interaction into something more, because in reality, I was just deluding myself, thinking there was something more, being the one bothering her by sending memes, asking how her day was, and so on, with the attempt... no, with the certainty, that she neither cared about it, nor gained anything from it, and that it actually annoyed her.

It's stopped raining. Now everything is silent. "Phil Collins - I Wish It Would Rain Down" plays loudly as those memories continue to fade, blurring into artificial recollections where everything was better and worked.

I have a lot of work to do. 

My university just threatened me, saying I have to submit one last course performance report, or I'll face some unknown sanction. 

On top of that, I need to make some progress on my final year project, which I'm already fed up with not making any damn progress on. And pretending it's all the university's fault, because the truth is, those bastards have thrown all sorts of obstacles in my way, from methodological ones to questioning the stupid topic I chose—I don't want to talk about it. Because I haven't done anything wrong, and I'm not doing anything wrong now. 

"Yes, yes, I am a responsible, diligent, and committed person" is a typical empty resume line, or rather, the typical empty line on my resumes to say that I'll basically sell myself for a few bucks. When in reality I don't fit those descriptions. The director of the museum where the samples I analyze are housed got incredibly angry because I wasn't making significant progress on the final project. 

It's an interesting contrast, you know? One day I said to myself: I think I've finally found my true calling: protists. You know. Reading about them so I can draw them, which isn't easy, I invest many hours reading in depth (or more or less in depth) articles and other sources that explain aspects of cellular microanatomy to see how to represent a structure. And I'm not going to get paid for it! No money, of course. I do it all so that it's free, open access, and trusting that people will mention my name as the author, and avoid being forgotten.

It's a contrast, when I genuinely love something and put my heart into it. And then there's my project, which has me completely exhausted. I don't feel like finishing it; I just want it to magically write itself, for the pain of presenting in front of the jury to be over, for me to get my degree, and say: I did it, just like that.

ლ(⋋·⋌)ლ

Besides that, I have to make some serious corrections to the illustration of Dolichomastix tenuilepis because I'm a total crap and I've forgotten to properly read the spatial orientations and I've drawn a lot of things backward. I MUST fix that. 

Additionally, I have to finish a drawing of a kinetoplastid organism. It's one of the ones I'm most proud of because it was from an article I didn't want to read at all, but I told myself, "Screw it. Let's do it." And I'm almost finished because I discovered some things that could improve the drawing's accuracy.

Aaaah... drawings.

I remember when girl M asked me what I was doing. "I draw... I draw the structures of microorganisms." And what did I expect? I don't know. I wasn't asking her to be a genius and complement me. But I did expect appreciation, understanding, tenderness. That I was being observed. Like an anime couple where the protagonist's crush is interested in the manga he reads in the purest way possible, simply because he's him and he's great. And because he's good and takes care of her and attends to her quirks.

It also reminds me of the first time someone was interested in one of my drawings, a crush from a bygone era, girl P. But that's a story for another post that I probably won't write.

Do you know what I have received? The Graphic Designer Barnstar!!!!

＼(｀0´)／

/╲/\〳 ᴼᴼ ౪ ᴼᴼ 〵/\╱\

I consider it one of the most prestigious recognitions a user can receive in the Wikipedia ecosystem. It's something I've dreamed about quite a few times, especially when looking at other users' profiles and seeing their Barnstars. "Wow, those people are truly amazing and they do something that matters." And I can... now I can think about it, think that I too am part of that exclusive social group. And it's wonderful! It might sound lame, but I didn't expect to get that barnstar status with so little effort.

And that's why I must continue. 

One more illustration. 

Little by little. 

Until I burn out, until something stops me in my tracks.

σ( ' ┰￣)

I wish there was a certain girl, so I could celebrate with her. And not be judged. Or ignored in reality. "Reality."

But... enough with the edgy, dark, and cloying writing. I must finish these illustrations. 

It's a promise I made to myself that I have to keep.