Back in action... actually a lie

Why do I say it's a lie? Well, because I'm not so sure if I'm going to continue with anything else. Don't worry, it's nothing serious. I mean, I've kind of run out of energy (just a little?) to keep illustrating, or to do anything else for that matter. The anxiety surrounding the final project is really draining me, but at least I was able to make some progress on a process I needed to formalize the meeting times with my supervising professor. It's a document that had me on tenterhooks because it's necessary to move forward with the final project... and I'd already taken longer than expected to get it.

┬┴┬┴┤(･_ ├┬┴┬┴

The final project isn't finished, but it's almost done. I still need to create illustrations of the samples I used (I hope I don't get canceled for that since I forgot to use scales) and correct poorly written or nonsensical paragraphs. Do I have to talk to the external supervisor I've been ghosting because I haven't made any progress? I really wouldn't want to get to that point and have a conflict of interest ("yeah, but I thought I'd dropped out, so I'm not giving any authorization for that crap"). My ideal solution is simply to give a decent defense, get a decent grade, and tell them all to go to hell. Let them keep the data to publish in whatever journal they want. I want my degree and nothing more.

Why? To enter the workforce more firmly, of course. 

Okay, no, 

that's not the reason, get over it.

The main reason is to stop feeling guilty about my own laziness, to repay some of my debt to my parents. And that's it. Ultimately, I don't even care if I end up working as a biologist. I think it's more of a resignation.

I'd like to reflect on the fact that I'm not really alone (?). Mother, who owns the house. I've already mentioned my dynamic with her quite a bit, so I won't repeat myself in this post. Father, who always sends me messages in bottles with a predictable pattern. Part of my uncertainty about visiting him is whether he'll really be the same father I had to say goodbye to that morning. I finally have a college friend I still talk to (I'll call him "Individual S"), mainly in terms of sending memes and Instagram reels. He's arguably the closest thing I've had to a friend. But I still have my lingering doubts. That's how distrustful I am. Of course, he's told me personal things, and I appreciate that he cares about me. It would be ungrateful to diminish or ignore that. In fact, if it weren't for him, I might even be more overwhelmed.

(2)1(1)_11(2)-(2)1(1)-(3)1-11(1)1 reappeared, but it's not the same. It feels like talking to an alternate of The Mandela Catalogue. In the sense that she's not the same person I met during that trip. I was hoping we'd have a genuine friendship, but it doesn't seem normal to ghost me for days and then write back like nothing happened. Ignoring the fact that I would have liked to be with her, I don't think it's ideal behavior, not even for a friendship. So I've decided not to invest so much energy in replying, swallowing my desire to tell her things. I can do this with individual S, but I don't feel that much trust yet, and anyway, I have a primal goal of establishing trust and honesty with a woman. Typical romantic love, y' know.

However, I think I'm too unstable for that. Maybe for a long time. Maybe forever. So I'm preparing myself for a solitary life. With its pros and its major cons. I'm not the healthiest or the most attractive person. So I don't think people will feel sorry for me much when I'm falling apart.

This gives me some motivation to see if I can manage to make those pending corrections to my Giardia illustration. "Do the best I can" for the Protista Project. That's something I can't abandon for a moment, just like my final project. I have to keep both things going.

Miisumɔ ni mawɔ

                             

"Don't kick my things when you're walking." "So what is it, 1ɔ_-_/ \ ! 1ɔ, if there's enough room to get through?"

"I'll just leave the box tidy again, right? I don't know what you're doing. Everywhere I go, I open boxes to tidy them up".

If I had any enthusiasm to keep writing, I've lost it. I feel like I'm living with constant tension. That's why I don't want to see mother when she finds out the truth.

I feel like nothing excites me anymore, really, in many aspects of life. I'd even dare to say I might give up on the protist illustration project.

I just want to sleep, that's all.

Today I went to lunch with mother, and she asked me for half a piece of meat, but my clumsy hands burned me, and it fell on the table. That was enough to earn me the insult of being weak and inept for the rest of the meal. I wish I could go alone.

I'm not particularly excited about going on a trip to see father after a long time. Why? Is that normal? Was it a way of ignoring the fact that he wasn't around for various reasons? Work? It's been vital; otherwise, I wouldn't be able to study. Unfortunately, it seems I've also lost sight of what it meant to have a dad. Now I'm going to see a stranger in another country.

I don't feel at peace, reader. Even sometimes, games... nothing is bringing me peace.

Closing my eyes when I sleep and embracing the darkness of the night's silence is my favorite pastime right now.

I'll try to write a bit more about the final project.

ߘߎ߬ߛߎ ߞߎ߲ ߕߋ߫ ߓߊ߲߫

꒰ᐢ. .ᐢ꒱

             ꒰ᐢ. .ᐢ꒱

                             ꒰ᐢ. .ᐢ꒱

                                             ꒰ᐢ. .ᐢ꒱ 

                                                          ¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡

                                                                                            🕸                            🕸

                                    🕸                               🕸                                 🕸                              🕸

         🕸                                          🕸                           🕸                                🕸                              🕸

                                                                            ·˚ ༘₊· ͟͟͞͞꒰➳

ᐢ..ᐢ

ᐢ..ᐢ

ᐢ..ᐢ

ᐢ..ᐢ

ᐢ..ᐢ

ᐢ..ᐢ

ᐢ..ᐢ

ᐢ..ᐢ

ᐢ..ᐢ

ᐢ..ᐢ

ᐢ..ᐢ

It's strange to hear my mother say she hopes I finish my final project and that it doesn't take me more than a year, and that she doesn't believe other classmates are in similar situations. She's talking to a relative on a video call about how I dedicate several hours to the project. Which is a complete lie and makes me feel bad.

The situation regarding final projects at my faculty is certainly awful, because there's a kind of intentional delay on the part of the tutors. This manifests as neglect, lack of organization, and overcomplicated methodological processes (the project is supposed to be simple, and then they keep making it complicated until it's indefensible), or even favoritism.

Ugh... but also because of the initial rejections of my final project idea (which made me repeat Scientific Writing III, something I haven't told a single person about), and the already growing lack of motivation towards the end of the semester, I've also become stuck in a downward spiral of not making any progress.

I must confess, dear reader, that I'm afraid my mother will discover that I don't actually take that long to complete projects. The only way that happens is when permits take a long time—that is, permits for handling living organisms, or for handling people when the focus is on human groups. Also, of course, when the student simply doesn't put effort into their project.............................which is my case.

.

..

..

...

....

.....

.......

.........

...........................

૮₍˶Ó﹏Ò ⑅₎ა

What have I been doing all this time? 

Losing myself in the void, I think. 

Playing Roblox or Brawl Stars, watching videos, 

losing sight of the original objective. 

Or taking refuge in research to create the protist illustrations. 

૮₍ ˵ • ꤮ ก ˵ ₎ა

But it was clear that this wasn't going to erase the responsibility for the final project.

In a relatively recent post, I said I was going to start structuring the final project a bit because I was getting worried about not having it finished. I've actually managed to make progress on some sections I still needed to write. The illustrations are still missing, and I think I'll do that tomorrow. Today I'm not sure if I'll dedicate more time to the other drafted sections that still need proofreading because they're written from memory and lack the necessary references to be well-supported. 

This is also a concern because I can't find any recent or precise references on the research topic. For example, I need to support my claims about the musculature and nerves of a mouse abandoned in the Colombian highlands with the only similar information I have, which comes from a Russian laboratory study of a common European blind mole.

You... you get the dilemma, right? It's as if the "repeated" information I need to support ("Yes, I swear someone else has already said this!") is found in very different organisms, and I'm afraid they'll notice and attack me on that front, in a hypothetical defense, if it actually comes to that. Another worry is that they'll notice most of my supporting data is textual but not numerical, since I don't have other studies that replicate the exact measurements I'm taking. There's a project reviewer who's particularly observant about this, and if they reject my defense...

The defense.

?                  ?                  ?                     ?

           ?                 ?                   ?                     ?                 ?              '¿

Will I even bother defending it? 

I can't see myself doing it. There's this custom where, for your defense, you invite everyone—even the priest from your village, if necessary—and all those who "believe in you" (a nice way of saying they believe in your ability to prosper and become financially successful enough to save them. That was incredibly edgy of me, I regret it). But honestly, my final project is rubbish. If they reject my defense in front of everyone, it will be not only a humiliation, but also the complete rejection of my parents. And I already have enough to deal with from my mother's occasional yelling.

At least I've made some progress on the text of my final project. I think it's decent enough to show my tutor, and to tell him to please, for God's sake, start the approval process for Final Project 3 Writing, because I'm still stuck with that "subject."

Ugh... I don't know, dear reader. 

It's even possible I'll never finish the project, and therefore never graduate. That would also mean the end of my free time "for studying," which I've been spending looking at memes and, to avoid judgment, also at protist illustrations.

I'm getting sleepy. 

All I have to do now is make a little more progress on that text. At least I managed to make some progress and not leave it stuck again for another day.

As always, I hope these life experiences I share will help you not feel alone or abandoned, whatever your current shitty situation may be.

To musi być teraz!

How am I feeling today? Weird, I guess.

I know I should be working on that final project. I don't know if having a meeting about it in a few days will actually help. It'll give me a sense of "not neglecting it," when deep down, I know that's not true. But I'll see if, after this monologue to the void, I actually get around to doing something about it, because I can't go on without making any progress.

I also feel weird because... I don't know, also because I'm not accomplishing much on my own. The idea of ​​a good job seems distant. And honestly, I don't really like the prospect of a future with physically demanding work that doesn't satisfy me or offer any chance of connecting with a girl. Why am I even thinking about finding a partner? That's surprising, considering I'm quite individualistic, or a social loner, since I don't like parties or anything like that. 

I don't think I've mentioned how awful it was to be in the coastal nightclubs, during a marine mammal research trip, when I saw my crush at the time being seduced by someone else, seemingly more capable. Actually, he was more capable; he was literally a zoologist with the organization. I won't delve further into whether it was right or wrong for him to try and flirt with a student—well, I guess not, since we're all adults.

Which is brutal. Is it normal to take so long with your studies when you're dangerously close to 30? I'm still relatively far from that age, but I am nearing 25. At least the only thing I have left to finish is my final project. I'm sure if you look at previous posts you can find psychological reasons and more context about why I'm putting it off so much. 

...

And it sucks because it must be some kind of procrastination or aggressive lack of focus because I know I HAVE TO finish it, but I'm INCAPABLE of putting it on, you know? It makes me feel like a failure.

yeah this image looks like a shitpost meme fot his situation but genuinely this is lowkey me rn

Yes... I think I'll actually get started on that final project right now. Writing... well, not writing anymore because I somehow managed to finish the "skeleton" of the entire text, but I have to do something because I can't go on like this. I've been putting it off too much this week, and the worst part is that I've even been putting off illustration number 30, because new information came up while I was writing about it (it's of Giardia lamblia, intestinalis or duodenalis) and I had to redraw everything. 

And now I've also noticed other errors, less serious but still worth correcting to avoid misinformation since it's going to be on Wikimedia. Yes, it's a bit of a relief that I don't have more pressure on this illustration because it's my own project and I set my own deadlines. I suppose I'm the cause of my own stress, or worry, about not being able to finish illustration 30. But it has to be as accurate as possible in terms of the representation of organelles.

i'm not feeling tuff today

That's what I was planning to do this morning, but now that the topic of the final project has come out of my closet, I think I'd better get on with it because otherwise the guilt will just keep growing, and I want to be close to finishing it. It's already pretty awful thinking that I'll eventually have to request publication permission from the coordinator who gave me access to the samples for that final project, with whom I ended things on bad terms because I didn't manage to finish the final project in their ideal timeframe (4 months), and that it was a good thing I was going to give the opportunity to someone more interested. At this point, I've lost any higher motivation stemming from the final project (like the idea of ​​it becoming a scientific article) because it's a fact that the important thing is to get a job, and I don't have many doors open to me. My fault, of course.

The anxiety has gripped me again, 

so I was planning to continue with that Giardia illustration this afternoon, 

but unfortunately, 

and for my own good, 

it will have to wait. 

...

Not until I finish that text properly. I have to make it as good as possible so that it at least looks decent for the external coordinator. I know she might even throw up because the final project text is absolute garbage. I was also going to talk about girl M's brief return, but that'll have to wait for another post, if I remember. I'm going to work on the final project right now, otherwise I'll die of worry.

𝓽𝓱𝓪

Heyo.

It',s me, DOTkamina.

Welcome c:

꜀( ˊ̠˂˃ˋ̠ )꜆

Today I'm writing because I feel strange. Weird. Distorted.

I'll get straight to the point. This post could be considered a turning point, since I'm writing it on a new laptop. A cheap emergency one I bought to fix the problem I was having with the damaged screen on my other one, as I was getting tired of using SpaceDesk to use my phone as a second monitor.

That was a few weeks ago, and I've experienced a sudden shutdown. I suppose it's just a quirk of a second-hand device, since it wasn't brand new. I'll have to make do with this one until I finish the final project. I hope to get a final version this week. Illustrating the skulls... I'm too lazy to do it, to be honest.

But the real reason for this post is the alteration. The thing is, today I went to my internship at the vertebrate museum, as I've probably mentioned in another post. In my free time, I went down a street looking for a place to get a good, cheap lunch.

Then a strange man appeared. First, he told me what seemed to be an alert about student kidnappings. Unfortunately, this has intensified considerably in the country; not long ago, a young woman disappeared under unknown circumstances and was found dead in a wooded area.

But the situation started to become alarming when he began telling me that he was someone hired to eliminate suspects. And he started threatening me. 

I froze. 

He began telling me that if I didn't cooperate by giving him information about where I study, where I live, my habits, and finally, by showing him my SIM card, he had a group waiting to take me for questioning.

Naturally, I was terrified, but I tried to keep my composure. 

I told him to stop talking, that I wasn't going to say another word, and I tried to take refuge in a stationery store that I happened to be near. 

Not a single police officer in sight. 

That stranger kept telling me he could pull out a gun or a knife at any moment, but he wasn't doing it yet because he wanted to resolve things peacefully.

Anyway, I managed to hide in the stationery store until I had enough money for a taxi to get back to the museum quickly, since it was far away and that stranger was still hanging around nearby, as far as I could see through the window.

I had never felt so threatened and in such an unpleasant situation, because I felt that any decision that man made could have ended in tragedy. Who knows what would have happened if I had been on a less busy street?

Everything is fine now. I don't feel completely terrified, but I do feel uncertain, a more extreme kind. 

These are like signs that I shouldn't go to the museum. 

I have an important (and mandatory) trip to take soon. Time is running out to finish my final project. The pressure from my mother is increasing. And we're not in the best financial situation, so the ticket is expensive. And I had already been almost mugged some time ago; they managed to snatch my phone while I was trying to write something, but I was able to hold on to it tightly. No one helped; they were just in shock. Although, who could be prepared for situations like that?

I don't know. Ever since the first day I was in that museum, a feeling of "you shouldn't be investing your time in this" has been gnawing at me. It's not like I enjoy being in the museum either. I'd like to say that at least it's something that excites me and "that I've found another possible vocation here," but I just feel like dead weight. I don't know if it's because the tasks are monotonous, or because of the formaldehyde in the dead animals, which is more concentrated, and the rooms are sealed, so the smell is stronger.

The fact that I'm stressed trying to save money on lunches and even the bus fare itself doesn't help much, I think...

Yeah.

I think so. I'll just stay this week. Then I'll think of something to leave for good.

I suppose part of the reason I left early and stayed home is because I'd be wasting an "opportunity" that's hard to come by; it's not like I can just say, "I want to go in and see specimens for the sheer love of it."

But I don't know. Something still tells me I shouldn't keep going, and these robberies seem to be warning me of something. The situation in the country is becoming increasingly unsafe.

Hope to reach a more peaceful state

The deadline is dying (◑_◑)

 "Hey... didn't you have your final project meeting this week?"

Just end it all

And how do I answer that question to my mom, admitting that I'm actually avoiding it again for whatever serious reasons you can think of? Officially, I'm trying to write more text and get the project more or less finished, not "ugh, it's still not finished?", and I'm hoping to have it done by next week. But it's exhausting when, at family parties for birthdays or religious celebrations, my mom says, "Yes, I hope he finishes that project already," because it's the ultimate life goal, right? 

Well, I don't see it that way. It's more like an obligation I can't skip if I want to get my degree, which I think is what's really draining me. And I can't really say, "I'm hardly doing anything, actually." When you (my mom) see me researching or writing until late at night, I'm actually doing research on the protists I'm drawing, on the speciation book that I think will never see the light of day, or something else entirely, except for that final project. 

I feel mortified. Yesterday I made a few paragraphs, and as on other occasions, completely forcing myself, it doesn't feel good at all. I don't see any direction, nor a good ending. I keep creating illustrations or something else, thinking, hoping that if the worst-case scenario happens, it will be enough to tell myself, "At least I didn't waste so much time." Well, I hope so.

Hey, I wish I could go to sleep, take a nap for a while. I feel like I need it more than usual. But my mother is watching me. I have to try to rest while I'm in front of the computer and then muster some effort, because this is a rare occasion when it's on.

And in fact, I'm going now, because I'm already writing just for avoid time. Building phantom echoes for my future self? Heh, what a good joke.

kicsit elakadtam

Trying to feel cool rn but i'm just sit down on the chair looking at a blank screen, or whatever

(¬_¬”)

So, yeah. Ugh... I promised myself I'd keep the description for Andalucia godoyi short, but I've been feeling down for the past few days. It's not so much down as a lack of sleep. I don't know why I'm wasting a whole blog post describing this state, but I feel it was necessary, or it will be when I reread this after some time. 

I think I'll upload something else to Pixiv or maybe some AI-related stuff for my OC. And then I'll start remodeling, because the drawing of Andalucia godoyi has some major errors in the cellular structure. I discovered an article about the general description of the Jakobids, and there's a ton of stuff I have to correct. Well, not that much, actually, but since I did the drawing without layers, it's going to be tedious because I have to erase a lot and redraw everything, and also organize the layers of other diagrams that I did layer in the same drawing. I have to restructure them so they match the corrections, and... I guess that's why I'm already feeling tired, because I know it's going to be a real drag. Ugh...

But I have to do it, because I'm pretty stuck, and it's already mid-June! Damn, time keeps passing, and I don't feel like I'm making much progress. I have to break this seasonal stagnation somehow.

𝚃𝚛𝚢𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚘 𝚜𝚝𝚘𝚙 𝚜𝚊𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑𝚝𝚜

Heh.

It's been a while, hasn't it?

(ദ്ദി˙ᗜ˙)

I don't know if anyone actually checks these posts. I assume not, judging by the views they get. On one hand, I'm glad that's the case because I don't know if I'll really be ready for the criticism and potential memes or jokes, which are bound to happen. I even participate in the jokes myself on Instagram.

Haha...

૮₍´˶• . • ⑅ ₎ა

૮₍´˶• . • ⑅ ₎ა

૮₍´˶• . • ⑅ ₎ა

(ㅇㅅㅇ)

⊂(◉‿◉)つ

(♥‿♥)

╭(╭⊚‿⊚╮)╮

:00000  (˶˃ ᵕ ˂˶)

so fucking yay

⸜(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝♡

(⸝⸝๑  ̫ ๑⸝⸝⸝)

(⸝⸝⸝-﹏-⸝⸝⸝)

✧(⸝⸝⸝ᵒ̴̶̷ ｡ ᵒ̴̶̷⸝⸝⸝)

✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧

This anime has definitely become one of my favorites. In fact, before I continue writing, I'm going to post my review on MyAnimeList. Well, I'm back. I'll leave some images here, but I have to say I really liked the plot, much more than I expected. The divorce subplot might be a heavy or even annoying thing to consider, but for me it's important because... it's precisely about how to cope with family problems. Arguments. My mother is yelling at me right now, so it's difficult for me to write this. That's why I consider it important. The ending was also very beautiful. The episode's ending. It's a small escape from reality, well, at least from my reality. Mother's screams sound more and more like noise or vibrations in my head; it's a strange feeling. They sound threatening and make me want to run to my room and cry for a while. Then I remember I don't have a room and that I just have to keep going and pretend everything is okay. And in the end, I think that's what my life is all about, as it always has been. When something was stolen from me at school, or something was broken, well, that's when I cried because I knew I was in for a beating from my mother. It continued in later stages, with me staying quiet and putting up with it. Putting it up with it until I suppose I couldn't anymore.

The end of the episode was simply beautiful, how they finally establish a relationship, accept the problems that might eventually arise, and underlyingly accept that they will try to solve them together. Why has humankind evolved to such an extent that it's so necessary to feel accompanied in life? I could break down that answer well as a student of Evolutionary Biology. But I don't feel like doing it right now, and maybe never will.

It's a good time to say that I finally took my computer home (to my mother's; I don't have my own place, obviously). It was with some technicians for a couple of days, and they left it just as damaged. The problem now seems to be the video card, well, the video connections to the screen, or whatever that's called. I don't even deserve a new device. What I do is wait for it to turn on so I can work on parts of my Final Project as best I can, and when it doesn't, I play Brawl Stars or make some progress on my illustrations.

I don't deserve a new computer; I've always been useless. Even now, I'm wasting time watching my favorite anime and playing Roblox. And writing this post. It's fine! It can't be fixed right away. Tomorrow, I'm supposed to go to my internship at the Museum, but I don't even feel like it. My mom keeps saying, "It's time to start saving for the bus fare," which isn't cheap since I live far away. I have to emphasize that, why? To justify my lack of motivation, and also because, even though it bothers me, it's true... and generally, I think I'm going to drop out. Clearing my head somewhere else is expensive. And uncomfortable; the buses are cramped, and having to deal with other people staring is annoying too. My pants don't fit me as well as I'd like.

I don't like staying home and being constantly under my mother's thumb, enjoying the good times with her when I know that if something goes wrong, the atmosphere completely changes and the negativity returns. In fact, it just happened again, something with my damn braces (and let me tell you, if I'm being completely honest, I would have preferred to invest that money I've already spent on therapy and a makeover, rather than on teeth that I don't even think make me smile properly, although they do seem straighter).

The negativity I feel right now is enough to make me want to go to the orthodontist and tell him, "I won't have time because of my studies. I'm sorry."

But I'll try to hold out a little longer until I finish writing everything here.

Anyway, what I was getting at is: I don't really like the museum because it's obvious those jars with large animals contain a lot of formaldehyde. The curator says it's just alcohol and that it's fine, so much so that he actually believes it himself and handles the specimens with his bare hands. I also think he thinks I was born yesterday; that stuff obviously has formaldehyde or something in it. The smell is distinctly that of regular ethanol, the atmosphere is heavy for someone who isn't always there, and it irritates me. These reasons are also a burden for me to want to leave, and... why did I go in the first place?

Well, one reason was to find a good excuse to escape the house for a while. But it's certainly not giving me much peace, because the issue of the cost of lunches and such came up. I've actually been thinking that I could just keep going, but cut back on the lunches and save that money for some future treat, like an escort. Because, to be honest, I don't think I'll ever be able to find someone special or someone who's a good match for me. "If I improve, yes," but I still see that as a long way off (unattainable).

Another reason I went into that museum was to see if I could find that special someone, but it's not going to happen. It's a pretty lame goal, so the result is going to be lame too. A student intern from a nearby university recently started there, so I immediately began a conversation with her until the topic of relationships came up, and she has a boyfriend. So, that's it. I simply limited myself to greetings or talking if she initiated it, during the internship. I'm not going to make the same mistake as with (2)1(1)_11(2)-(2)1(1)-(3)1-11(1)1 of ultimately wanting to simulate what it would be like to have a girlfriend who fits in, or worse, of groveling for attention like I did with girl M. Looking back, that was truly pathetic; it must have been bad even for her. I was just looking for a partner, and that was clearly a forced interaction where she only saw me as a casual companion.

So what I'm trying to do is keep shifting my focus away from people, especially couples, and try to reach at least my goal of 100 protist illustrations, as much as I can. Should I keep going to the museum? I don't know. If I want to keep getting those free lunches, I could go to the library and spend my time there, saving up for lunches. Although I don't know if I'll be able to make it through a whole day until the afternoon, pretending I'm actually going to the museum. That's partly why I don't want to leave the museum, and also because "I could get a volunteer certificate that would look good on my poor old CV."

Hmmm... maybe I'll stick around at that museum this week, so my departure isn't so abrupt. I definitely won't go tomorrow, because I promised an acquaintance I'd help him identify some aquatic insects.

I'll see how I can structure my time and my demons.

And long live the melancholic music of the last century.

( ´ ▽ ` )b

reload!

Well, I was a bit overwhelmed yesterday.

But I think it's time to move on. Life goes on, anyway.

I must build my legacy.

Look out for the next illustrations soon!

I hope to finish a book soon too; I really want to publish something written.

(づ ◕‿◕ )づ

ˢᵗᵃᵗⁱᶜ ˢᵒᵘˡ

I feel like I'm collapsing again. The pains in my side are coming back, and I think it's the gallstones they found more than six months ago.

I feel like I don't like looking in the mirror; I've started to hate them. It's something I have to say eventually. I look at myself and... no, I just don't like what I see. That's very negative, so I'll leave it at that because I'm not going to dwell on it any further.

I have immigration status issues. That's all I'm going to say, no more details. I'll just say that I feel like I'm experiencing all the problems and not "the good things about young adulthood," although I think that time is simply over. I live far away, I can't go to any clubs or have fun in any setting, my mom is permanently ill, etc. It's exhausting, and honestly, I think this life just isn't going to last anymore. So now... all I can do is hope that multiple lives exist and that I can do better in the next one.

You know? If there were another life, I'd like to remember all the mistakes I made in this one, all the bad decisions and attitudes that led me to become the gloomy, quiet, spineless, and cowardly boy I am today.

I wish I hadn't had such an inflated ego when I was told I was gifted. It went to my head and clashed with my shyness, ultimately isolating me even more because I simply couldn't keep up with the kids my age. I wish I had listened to that janitor who told me not to just train my mind, that my body is important too. Boy, was she right; she knew what she was talking about.

I wish I had been more likable. I've always been very quiet, and I've never tried to change that. Well, maybe I have, but either I've always encountered the worst people (teasing, humiliating, or misunderstandings), or I simply never kept up with the trends of that time, or even now. I promised myself I'd be more sociable, but I just can't. I feel awkward and artificial, and I think others notice it too because... in any situation, I always stand apart. I'm always the one trailing behind. Anyway, I don't have much to say. Or much to contribute, either.

I remember that friend I had in childhood who sometimes used to invite me over for sleepovers. Back then, I found her annoying; God knows what she was thinking or why. Eventually, she drifted away, and she's absolutely right. High school wasn't any better, but college was, and I had closer friends. The unsettling thing is that I'm not recalling any memories with nostalgia. I only briefly remember the experiences with (2)1(1)_11(2)-(2)1(1)-(3)1-11(1)1 and what that could have meant to me.

Yeah... I think so. I just hope to be more normal and do better in a future life.

What I have left now is to persevere and try to preserve my legacy. To imagine beautiful possible scenarios on the bus. Evoking moments from my current favorite anime, Class de 2-banme ni Kawaii Onnanoko to Tomodachi ni Natta.

...Hey, is there someone you really like? Well, tell them you like them. Seriously. It's going to hurt if they reject you, or if you know they're going to reject you, obviously. But it's true, better that than developing a grudge later that isn't even justified because that other person probably saw you as a friend, or a lackey, or however you want to see it. Do you want a friend or to be in a certain group of friends? Well... I don't have very good ideas for that. Try to immerse yourself in the other people's tastes or what they have in common. Of course, avoid those people who just seek pleasure in evil (stealing, smoking, doing drugs). Eventually, that destroys your liver, and believe me, you don't want to have a failing organ and have to give up the joys of life just to keep saving your own life in the hospital with the help of some machine.

I'll try to see if I can get out of this rut ​​and write something. I have to get up early tomorrow to keep sorting out my shitty problems.

Try not to overthink your problems.

If it gets too heavy, open up and play a video game. Or go to sleep. Or if that's really impossible, well, maybe writing into thin air, like I do, could be a good idea.

Good luck.

And good night.

Today was the day!

Holy moly dudes.

Holy moly.

It seems that, in terms of the final project, my predictions from yesterday didn't come true. In fact, I think I did well, because it seems I did manage to get those permits. That made my day so much that I had time to do some more drawing.

That's all I had to say. Don't think it's a lot? Well, suit yourself. I don't care. Tomorrow's for bed :6

𝒫𝓇𝑜𝒷𝒶𝒷𝒾𝓁𝒾𝓉𝓎, 𝓊𝓃𝒸𝑒𝓇𝓉𝒶𝒾𝓃𝓉𝓎, 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝒶𝓃𝒶𝓈𝓉𝑜𝓂𝑜𝓈𝑒𝒹 𝒻𝑒𝑒𝓁𝒾𝓃𝑔𝓈

Well, well, well, huh? Episode 6 of Class de 2-banme ni Kawaii Onnanoko to Tomodachi ni Natta has left me intrigued about how the plot will develop now that the protagonist Maki's father has appeared. Daddy issues, daddy issues!

(๑ ￫ܫ￩)

                          (๑ ￫ܫ￩)

                                                          (๑ ￫ܫ￩)

                                                                                         (๑ ￫ܫ￩) 

                                                                                                                             (๑ ￫ܫ￩)

                                                                                                                                                         (๑ ￫ܫ￩)

It's been a while, hasn't it?

ヾ( ^^ゞ)

Hi, lol.

I've always been bad at greeting people and starting conversations, even if I'm talking to air. The reason for this post is to say that everything is... "okay," you could say. I don't know if I should describe myself as being in a state of redemption, passivity, or surrender. I say this because I know that very important things (with negative processes and consequences) are happening in the background. 

I suppose it's a combination of everything. But I must also say that other things have improved. Well, at least, I can say that my relationship with my mother is improving. I've learned to listen to her and basically not just see the negative side of her interactions or the way she tries to influence me. She's a human being, and at this point, it doesn't matter how she did things or what she should have done. She's sick, and it's not the time to keep complaining. The least I can do is lessen her suffering because I'm worried it will get worse in the future.

This has also meant less friction with her at home. I don't know if it's because I've been taking care of her since her surgery, so I've somehow taken on a more "useful" role at home, or if it's simply because I've tried not to comment on or question any of her decisions or "micro-injustices" towards me, and just let it go to avoid stress. Keeping the cortisol down, as the meme goes.

My computer has continued to malfunction. I don't think I've mentioned this, or maybe I have in another post, but if not, I'll give you some context: they detected physical damage to the graphics card due to overheating. And well, apparently, that's been a real pain to fix. Not to mention impossible, since it's a part that can't be replaced in laptops, and I'd have to get another one.

Logically, with my own health issues, my parents' health problems, and other problems related to finding a way to make ends meet (business), and the fact that I've been terrible with the final project and I'm not even the genius who just needs a shot in the arm... well, I've come to the conclusion that it's not worth it (well, I don't deserve it) to buy a new computer. As it is, I'll just keep going downhill.

That brings me to the final project. 

Progress? Minimal. 

But at least I managed to finish the measurements I had pending and use some R Studio to create an interesting graph that isn't just text. That's made me feel like I haven't completely abandoned the final project. My problem with it now is that I sent a letter regarding project execution permissions (sampling ethics, that sort of thing), and the maximum response time was supposed to be two weeks. It's been 18 days and all I've received is spam from strangers inviting me to dubious influencer courses.

................................ So tomorrow, I'm going to the registrar's office at my university, feeling incredibly anxious, to ask what's going on. But my final project topic isn't well-received at the university, I think, because of its small sample size, its descriptive nature, and the fact that I'm basically not contributing anything worthwhile. Honestly, I chose this topic because it didn't require long (and expensive) trips or lengthy permits, but unfortunately, the "stopping factor" is precisely that it's not seen as a groundbreaking topic "that will change the country's perspective."

I don't know, I'm going with the fear, and perhaps also the expectation, that they'll tell me anything and everything regarding those permits. From "Oh, we didn't receive it, maybe you sent it in the wrong format" to "Yes, we received it, but the topic is so bland and trivial that we decided to ignore it. Send all the letters... and maybe we'll help you." Which would be the end of it, because then my topic has no future. And it's too late to look for another topic. If I do, I'd have to bet on graduating at least in 2028. Hell no!

(●´□`)

I don't know, honestly.

I don't see much of a future for myself. I'm dealing with that, and also with finishing some books I've tried to write (more like compilations of information; I've concluded I'm terrible at writing original things). I've seen that they're long projects, so I don't know if any of those books will ever see the light of day.

Because of all this, I've also put my illustrations on hold for a bit. I have part of the draft for illustration 21; I had it all ready at the beginning of the month. But I guess I got mentally exhausted—I mean, I had a mini-collapse and managed to escape it—because illustration 21 is complex, and I don't quite remember how I managed the information to make that drawing. But the Protista Project is currently the most solid thing I've done as DOTkamina, so I'm working on getting motivated to continue it and not let it become just another dead project.

Sometimes I do wish my life were simpler. Financial stability, so I could have a style of worry more like the characters in a rom-com where the biggest concern is whether that girl likes you or not. Well, I do have that worry... a deeper, more painful one. But with all the context I've mentioned, it's buried under more urgent priorities. All this while I'm out on the street looking for rare medicines, while I see people my age with partners or friends, enjoying life to the fullest. And then I feel like I've aged too much and that maybe my best time (of carefree days and untouched dreams) is already over.

...

....

......

.........

...........

If it happens that I become just another lifeless NPC in society, at least I'd like to make some more progress on my illustrations (which, as I said, are the most solid thing I've built). The more I have done, the less I'll feel like "I should have done more while I could, instead of overthinking."

I guess that's all I wanted to say. 

Wish me luck tomorrow in my search for answers at the Secretary's office. 

If the situation becomes truly impossible or unfavorable, perhaps I'll write another post addressing the emptiness of the digital world. 

....... Which, ironically, is my second home.