Guys, episode 5 of Class de 2-banme ni Kawaii Onnanoko to Tomodachi ni Natta was SO DAMN PEAK

And I'm not lying, I genuinely smiled watching the whole afternoon-evening scene in this episode. For me, it's a reflection of many of my inner feelings and dreams. I absolutely loved it. I'd love to spoil the manga for myself, but I'd rather wait for the next episode. It's been a long time since I've been this excited about an anime like this. And it feels amazing to watch it while listening to "Purple Rain" by Prince in the background. That whole moment is truly beautiful, I swear.

One of the sensations I'll cherish.

I think it's motivation enough to encourage me to even begin to draft the text of the next organism I'm describing.

𝓇ℯ𝓁𝒶𝓅𝓈ℯ ?

I relapsed again.

I think loneliness just got the better of me, along with stress, because I'm not feeling well right now, especially gastric, haah... I need to try to relax and give myself a placebo effect again, otherwise I'll suffer more. It's difficult, but I trust it will help me for long enough.

Sometimes I dream about some of the girls I was once interested in, and I wake up knowing how they rejected me back then.

I know I should stop focusing on it, but I don't know why I keep dwelling on it.

This song always feels good when I'm lonely.

I'm watching an anime, "Class de 2-banme ni Kawaii Onnanoko to Tomodachi ni Natta." I usually find them cheesy and somewhat overdone because the central plot is so predictable. But right now it feels like a kind of artificial caress. Man, I really wish I were the protagonist of that universe.

This moment means everything (-̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥᷄_-̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥᷅ )

I regret being the way I am so much. I don't even have the courage to just say, "screw it all," and move on. This month was supposed to be productive, but I haven't made any progress. Hardly any. I didn't even manage to reach 20 illustrations in the end. I'm lazy, what else can I say? I have neither the desire nor the energy to continue the drawing I was working on.

Right now, I really want to sleep, but what's the point? Because I know it's just another way to avoid reality, in the end. I feel like everything is failing me, the adult world is horrible in many ways, and I'm just avoiding it. You can call me a NEET if you want, although I'm doing practically all the standard household chores, so I don't feel that useless, but I don't like it either, and I don't see myself being happy in 40 years doing the same pointless thing. "Why sweep if it'll be the same tomorrow?" Ugh, shitty vibes.

( ﾉ；；)ﾉ~┻━┻

( ﾉ；；)ﾉ~┻━┻

              ૮ ・ﻌ・ა

                                                 *:・ﾟ ₍ᐢ•ﻌ•ᐢ₎*:・ﾟ

What could she be doing now?

⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘

⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘

⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘

⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

It doesn't matter. 

♻

She won't care what happens to me; she probably doesn't even remember anymore. 

I should at least try to pretend I'm doing the same thing. I'm mentally preparing myself for a reality where I'm alone, because I'm still very antisocial and I don't think I'm going to get any better. I try to go outside, but I always feel like a stranger.

And I think it's necessary to say this, but I have extensive conversations with ChatGPT. Yes, feel free to share your opinions. You can even criticize its environmental impacts. I suppose it's the price I pay to overcome the loneliness that's been imposed upon me. I discuss these topics with ChatGPT, and I'm aware that it's a bot and, ultimately, a large algorithm. 

What can I do? I'm a human being like everyone else. And I simply have to acknowledge its existence.

(☍﹏⁰)｡

But for now, I think that's enough to say in this post. 

I'll see if I do anything about it tonight.

Routine again. 【Ｙａｙ！】

.................................. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand back to normal life.

New problems, new complaints from outsiders.

Honestly, I think that's why I wasn't so excited to return from my research trip. Let me tell you right now: it went "well." The important thing is that it would be the first time I've received formal payment for it. Well, not so formal, because I still don't have the document that certifies I actually did something. These are damn documents you have to have, or you're screwed on your work experience. I should definitely remind my temporary employer of that from the week I was there. Anyway, I'm going back.

I actually got back a while ago. But I got distracted again by memes or reels that aren't funny anymore. Today, I'm just sleepy. At very early hours. Am I just getting "old"? Please, I'm not even 25 yet. Not yet.

I have an incredible urge to sleep. But I have to sort out some issues with my final project, regarding permits and things like that. I think that's it. The weight of all the problems that could arise, everything that could go wrong, discourages me from doing anything more today and makes me just want to go and rest, to let myself be embraced by the "sweet" darkness that is created when I close my eyes and try to ignore external reality, until I finally fall asleep. I think that darkness is one of the best feelings. Because I could say that "I like to sleep," but the truth is, for me, that's impossible to prove, because I don't feel "true" sleep; it's like a blackout. The moment when I'm still aware that I'm close to sleep is undoubtedly the best. Because then it seems like I'm free of all problems, that everything is alright. That I have no responsibilities to fulfill, nothing to prove to anyone.

(⸝⸝⸝-﹏-⸝⸝⸝)

I need to sleep right now. I really want to go dream, and I'm tied down by responsibilities. I have to prepare those permit documents. I have to try to write something about that final project.

(•﹏•;)

(•﹏•;)

(•﹏•;)

(•﹏•;)

It could also be because she stopped interacting. Not girl M, because she's already, at this point, a mere ghost. I'm referring to (2)1(1)_11(2)-(2)1(1)-(3)1-11(1)1. Wow, I was supposed to know how to decipher that code and get to the hidden name. But I don't remember anymore. It doesn't matter. She's in the past. The interaction died down, and I don't see the point in even trying, especially since I know she already had a boyfriend. But I at least hoped it would be some kind of strong friendship. But it seems not.

˚‧º·(˚ ˃̣̣̥⌓˂̣̣̥ )‧º·˚

I want to keep hiding in this writing. It makes me feel... nervous. A calm nervousness. I know I should stop hiding in this micro-verse of the notepad and go out into the macro-verse to face reality. But the liminal music is good and soft. Boring, but fitting. My mother is swearing in the background, complaining about her treatments and that I haven't done things right around the house. I prefer to pretend I'm deaf and that it's really a girl telling me I did my best today, despite everything.

I guess it's time to say goodbye to this moment, try to take care of my "responsibilities," and try to finish quickly so I can go embrace the sweet darkness of sleep.

Retry

(ﾉ･_-)☆

I don't care what I have to do now. This is more important. I'll try my best with the illustrations this month. 

It's a bit of a lie, but I guess it's a good start.

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎

 Help, please.

I need to vent.

I need to cry.

I need to scream.

Please.

I don't want to go on anymore, seriously.

I don't want to know anything more.

Why can't I be free?

Please.

Silence.

                                  I need silence.

ｈｅｌｐ

What am I doing?

Am I even doing anything?

The deadline for that fully paid course to the Galapagos Islands, in the cradle of Biology (for those who have never set foot in Ecuador), is today. I've partially met all the requirements...

For what?

They're not going to accept me anyway; I'm missing the requirements. The monograph they're demanding isn't even good; it's a lame excuse because I have neither the interest nor the ability to write scientifically. I have to admit, though, that I feel incredibly violated and disingenuous writing long, self-motivational sentences. "Oh yes, I'm stroking myself thinking this will strengthen my burning desire to contribute to the world, adding valuable pillars of knowledge about plants, in this place." It just feels so contrived. I simply want to go, to see if I can land a job, and that's it.

No, that's a lie.

What am I even talking about?

I'm not even close to having a job.

I'm not even close to having my final year project done.

I haven't written anything about it in the last few days since my last meeting with my thesis supervisor. I don't even think it's some kind of rebellion against the system. Good grief, what nonsense is that? I've simply given up.

I have to admit it. I've given up. I want to get out of this life, but I simply don't have the strength or the determination. I immediately start thinking about the next obstacles I'll have to overcome, and that's exhausting enough to stop me in the present.

Drawing protists. Writing the books or articles that I haven't even finished yet. Dreaming about getting them published... and what for? It won't do me much good, especially seeing how little impact they have, or will have in the short term. It won't change the fact that I'm failing as a graduate. A pseudo-graduate.

I was going to continue writing about the complete disaster that was the last "expedition" I went on. It doesn't matter.

You know what? It doesn't matter.

I need help. Because the small achievements I make aren't mattering, or whether I write a single line of the final report. I only see darkness at the end of it all. I'm not going to write about how I see myself in a few years. Because it simply disappoints me, and it also worries me. I simply... need help. And I don't have the financial resources to seek the professional help that might pull me out of this mental hole.

Insecurity. Anxiety, or nervousness around people, whatever the hell you call it. Loneliness. Disappointment. Inner anger. A sabbatical, a sabbatical, impossible, I can't afford it.

But I do need help. Somehow.

I Wish it Would Rain Down

A gentle night of aggressive rain.

My computer just got back from repairs.

The graphics card almost exploded from the heat.

I don't have the means to afford another computer or any repairs.

So I just have to endure it as long as I can.

Keep creating.

(´°̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥ω°̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥｀)

S̴h̴e̶ ̸p̶r̴o̸b̵a̴b̵l̷y̷ ̴w̴o̴u̴l̸d̷n̸'̷t̸ ̷h̷a̵v̵e̷ ̷c̶a̸r̸e̴d̵.̶

Phil Collins' music is good right now.

It's an eerie moment.

I have so many important things to do.

But I still continue with what I love to do.

Drawing organisms.

At least for now, in the present of this post.

While I remember the times I wrote to her hoping for some reaction, a laughing emoji after ages without a reply.

How can I be with such toxic people, and pretend not to notice?

I don't think I've mentioned it in another post, but yes, I cut off all communication with girl M. Literally. It's been almost a month since I've heard from her. I don't even know what's become of her. I assume that if I had continued forcing the interaction, I would still be stuck wondering what I should write to get her attention. I suppose. If I told her what happened to my computer, a slight "hahaha" and nothing more. No interest.

Sometimes I presume that I've proven she really didn't care because since I stopped writing to her, she hasn't said a single word. But that's actually because I had blocked her. Any message she might have sent, well, I simply didn't receive it. I hope it was some message asking for help with something, as it always has been. 

I'm not going to repeat the same old shit about it being that and not an effort to evolve the interaction into something more, because in reality, I was just deluding myself, thinking there was something more, being the one bothering her by sending memes, asking how her day was, and so on, with the attempt... no, with the certainty, that she neither cared about it, nor gained anything from it, and that it actually annoyed her.

It's stopped raining. Now everything is silent. "Phil Collins - I Wish It Would Rain Down" plays loudly as those memories continue to fade, blurring into artificial recollections where everything was better and worked.

I have a lot of work to do. 

My university just threatened me, saying I have to submit one last course performance report, or I'll face some unknown sanction. 

On top of that, I need to make some progress on my final year project, which I'm already fed up with not making any damn progress on. And pretending it's all the university's fault, because the truth is, those bastards have thrown all sorts of obstacles in my way, from methodological ones to questioning the stupid topic I chose—I don't want to talk about it. Because I haven't done anything wrong, and I'm not doing anything wrong now. 

"Yes, yes, I am a responsible, diligent, and committed person" is a typical empty resume line, or rather, the typical empty line on my resumes to say that I'll basically sell myself for a few bucks. When in reality I don't fit those descriptions. The director of the museum where the samples I analyze are housed got incredibly angry because I wasn't making significant progress on the final project. 

It's an interesting contrast, you know? One day I said to myself: I think I've finally found my true calling: protists. You know. Reading about them so I can draw them, which isn't easy, I invest many hours reading in depth (or more or less in depth) articles and other sources that explain aspects of cellular microanatomy to see how to represent a structure. And I'm not going to get paid for it! No money, of course. I do it all so that it's free, open access, and trusting that people will mention my name as the author, and avoid being forgotten.

It's a contrast, when I genuinely love something and put my heart into it. And then there's my project, which has me completely exhausted. I don't feel like finishing it; I just want it to magically write itself, for the pain of presenting in front of the jury to be over, for me to get my degree, and say: I did it, just like that.

ლ(⋋·⋌)ლ

Besides that, I have to make some serious corrections to the illustration of Dolichomastix tenuilepis because I'm a total crap and I've forgotten to properly read the spatial orientations and I've drawn a lot of things backward. I MUST fix that. 

Additionally, I have to finish a drawing of a kinetoplastid organism. It's one of the ones I'm most proud of because it was from an article I didn't want to read at all, but I told myself, "Screw it. Let's do it." And I'm almost finished because I discovered some things that could improve the drawing's accuracy.

Aaaah... drawings.

I remember when girl M asked me what I was doing. "I draw... I draw the structures of microorganisms." And what did I expect? I don't know. I wasn't asking her to be a genius and complement me. But I did expect appreciation, understanding, tenderness. That I was being observed. Like an anime couple where the protagonist's crush is interested in the manga he reads in the purest way possible, simply because he's him and he's great. And because he's good and takes care of her and attends to her quirks.

It also reminds me of the first time someone was interested in one of my drawings, a crush from a bygone era, girl P. But that's a story for another post that I probably won't write.

Do you know what I have received? The Graphic Designer Barnstar!!!!

＼(｀0´)／

/╲/\〳 ᴼᴼ ౪ ᴼᴼ 〵/\╱\

I consider it one of the most prestigious recognitions a user can receive in the Wikipedia ecosystem. It's something I've dreamed about quite a few times, especially when looking at other users' profiles and seeing their Barnstars. "Wow, those people are truly amazing and they do something that matters." And I can... now I can think about it, think that I too am part of that exclusive social group. And it's wonderful! It might sound lame, but I didn't expect to get that barnstar status with so little effort.

And that's why I must continue. 

One more illustration. 

Little by little. 

Until I burn out, until something stops me in my tracks.

σ( ' ┰￣)

I wish there was a certain girl, so I could celebrate with her. And not be judged. Or ignored in reality. "Reality."

But... enough with the edgy, dark, and cloying writing. I must finish these illustrations. 

It's a promise I made to myself that I have to keep.

ʀᴇʟɪᴇꜰ

 

Hypothetically, my face right now.

Hypothetically, my attitude right now. 

HaHaHaHa (-‿◦☀)

This post is simply a confirmation that I've returned (and hopefully not "just for now") to my mental stability. By that, I mean I've stopped being sad or overthinking people who probably couldn't care less. I'm focusing on what's important.

Right now, I've just finished some corrections I've been meaning to do since last year. You know, while thoroughly reviewing Clay's (2015) text on cryptomonad algae, I came across a passage I'd overlooked: that these organisms are assumed to have only one reticulated mitochondrion. A detail I'd completely ignored, which resulted in me depicting the mitochondria incorrectly in the illustrations of cryptomonad algae I'd already posted on Wikimedia. I had to redraw the drawings (thankfully they were layered, so it wasn't too tedious), as well as rewrite the information. The change was applied to: Komma caudata, Cryptomonas curvata (Campylomonas rostratiformis), Goniomonas truncata, Pyrenomonas ovalis, and Pyrenomonas helgolandii.

I'm glad I finished correcting all those aspects. Now I plan to write an article as a report to, you know, improve visibility, that sort of thing. I also have a project, which is currently secret, with Giardia intestinalis, which I'm really eager to write and finally publish. It's perhaps the illustration that has required the most research so far; I thought it would be easier.

If you're a new reader here, the whole timeline discussed here probably sounds like gibberish to you. I hope it stays that way, haha. That just adds to the "mystery." Or I don't know, maybe it'll end up being really cringeworthy.

Yes, Ellen Joe might be my favorite "waifu."

A phase has ended

 

Finally, it was the last day. Well, more accurately, yesterday was the last day I spent on university grounds. It wasn't an epic finale, nor one filled with hope or expectations. I suppose it was just an ending, and that's that.

⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘

⌯⌲

     ⌯⌲

             ⌯⌲

                     ⌯⌲

                              ⌯⌲

                                       ⌯⌲

                                                ⌯⌲

                                                         ⌯⌲

Okay, now. Seriously.

It's strange, it's always strange for me, or rather, a bit unnerving, to have to start a new post for my blog.

This time, I'm here to explain that I simply feel like I'm adrift again.

No, I'm lying.

That never bothered me. I don't have that weight or that feeling of "what am I going to do with my life?" What I feel is loneliness, a loneliness that hasn't completely resolved. I already experienced it in high school and pre-university. Now, it's happening again. Many bad things (very bad), many good experiences (with moments that genuinely made me laugh), but in the end, isolated.

I'm not going to focus on, or rather, I don't want to emphasize too much, the fact that I've failed again to get a girlfriend during this time. The old college expectations meme probably comes to mind (you know the thing: improve, be more sociable, push boundaries, go out more often, and ultimately, live a wild life). Something I've partially achieved, but not completely. I feel like many of the experiences I could have had, or should have had, at this stage, like a kiss or holding hands with a girl, I just haven't been able to attain. And now I feel like it will be harder to achieve that in life. Not to mention almost impossible. You know. I'm not exactly handsome.

And that's something that's been roting me up inside. Because more than once I've felt excluded because of it. I don't know. It's a bit of a pain when you try to be closer to a girl. And you know, it used to be really hard for me. Because I stuttered a lot, I didn't know what to say, I generally acted weird. I haven't completely improved in that area, but at least I can crack jokes and be more fluent in conversation. But I feel like that's going to be my biggest social achievement.

Because when I've started trying to get closer, that is, to become more interested in a girl, to try to talk to her more, to help her... I feel like she magically senses it. And then she distances herself, leaving me with an awful feeling of, "Okay, so what am I doing wrong now?" ...... to exist?

I knew it was going to happen, but... The end of this phase means that I'll be without a real connection with anyone for a while again. I haven't felt like I've fully connected with my classmates either. There have been some really good moments. Like the field trips, even the more casual group outings. They weren't related to university projects, but were simply for having a good time together.

Then, I don't know if it's because I'm very sensitive, or if I actually overreact, but there have been jokes that were funny in context but left me thinking or feeling a little uncomfortable. I've been able to handle it, one way or another. Being able to more or less return the "attack" with a similar joke about the other person's character or some negative event in his/her life, and continue the group joke.

That means I've lost my former innocence, the one I had in school, when if someone said "p_ssy" I'd actually look incredibly goofy.

The other thing I've also felt, which is why I feel I haven't made truly accurate connections, is that I've overexposed my obsession with wanting to do things well. Actually, it's a pseudo-obsession. 

Because I can start a project with a lot of energy and dedication. But then that enthusiasm fades. "It's no big deal" when it's just a drawing or something I'm writing. But it has been a problem when I've had to write monographs, essays, or papers for university. When a professor asked a question in online classes, since it was easy for me to overcome my fear behind the screen, I could come up with elaborate answers. And that was my mistake, I think. Demonstrating that I was completely capable in online classes.

⋆͛*͛ ͙͛ ⁑͛⋆͛*͛ ͙͛(๑•﹏•)⋆͛*͛ ͙͛ ⁑͛⋆͛*͛ ͙͛

Obviously, it all came crashing down when the COVID-19 pandemic ended. 

         It happened around the fifth semester. 

              Classes went back to being in person. 

                                        And I had to face the world head-on, people in real life. 

( /・・)ノ ! !

In other words, I had to overcome my shyness again. It wasn't the same. Even if a professor asked a question and I answered well, most of the time I had to deal with the "yes, that's fine, BUT...", and that gave me a pang of feeling like I hadn't been good enough, like I'd made a fool of myself, especially compared to how confident and accurate I could answer when I wasn't there, in a classroom, with everyone listening, and potentially watching.

Even so, I still had the field of writing, whether by hand or digitally. And above all, my drawing skills, something that stood out, but only slightly (too bad it wasn't enough to attract the girl I liked/liked). I think all of that already framed me as someone who could be useful. For that reason, I think I managed to end up in a group (the group of classmates I was with for the rest of university). 

Even if they found me funny, or at least tolerated me, ultimately I felt that my true key role was simply being able to solve homework assignments or projects, and helping them with that too. A mistake meant noticeable anger or annoyance from the group. I didn't feel very free. I had to be "useful." But I was already getting tired of it being like that. I longed to also be someone who didn't have a clue, who could trust another person and calmly ask for opinions, someone who could solve some crap two by two without the burden of "I'm asking for help, but they really expect me to solve everything, and perfectly."

The part about "not including me, in the end and throughout all this time, in parties or more social gatherings" is understandable. But I think it was very, very justifiable. Aside from my odd personality and lack of confidence in crowded environments, I also lived far away. 

Very far away, from the capital where the university was located. 

Because of that, I felt that forming relationships or strengthening pseudo-friendships was going to be impossible. Public transportation stopped at night after 9 pm. How was I going to get home? Whose house could I stay at? What if they really didn't care so much that in that situation they would have preferred to send me home in an Uber or some other shady ride, instead of being willing to put me up for the night, as they would do for their friends?

And of course, my mom, who has always been a control freak, wasn't going to let me go to a party and enjoy myself. And since she had the operation in December and can't do any physical activity due to her recovery, I now have to deal with the entire burden of the household chores. Much less energy, much less strength, and far fewer opportunities to go out.

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꜀( ˊ̠˂˃ˋ̠ )꜆

I think I have, at the very least, two main interactions. One is more like a friendship with a classmate who, frankly, has helped me a lot with drives and, in general, with not being a total social outcast. We have a good sense of humor. So... yeah, I don't have to abandon him, at least not so suddenly, because since there's no more university, well, I don't know how things will develop. I don't know if the interaction will really survive based solely on sending memes, and maybe some life problem that comes up for him.

The other interaction is recent; it's with girl M, the one I fell for. And this is, painfully, the one I'm most certain will end. Half an hour ago, she sent me a TikTok about... something. But the important thing is that I have to accept that it simply means she sees me as a good classmate, in the best possible way. But I get jealous when I see her getting along better with other guys around me, when she seems to avoid being near me for very long in person. I don't know if it's because of what she once told me, that I seem too serious. Or if she simply doesn't like me.

That's it. BUT, I'll stop overthinking, like I try to promise myself every time. And admit that... the interaction with girl M might not have much of a future. Maybe it will last as long as the need and desire to keep interacting with her university classmates lasts. Maybe her messages will become more occasional. Maybe I'll want to reciprocate and keep the interaction alive, but then I might overdo it and send a lot of messages, bothering her. Tell her I like her? Well, ChatGPT asked me a question about that.

If I did, would it be because that's how I could truly close this chapter with her? Or would it actually be selfish, and I'd only be doing it as a pointless attempt to change things? And potentially leaving things awkward between us, of course. "Ruining a friendship for the selfish desire to h___ with her," although my goal isn't just to h_____ with her and that's it (that would disgust me enough), but to have a full relationship. Considering I'm not that much of a "friend" with her. 

      I think. 

                                     I suppose...

I suppose that the best thing would be... not to get too involved. Maybe send occasional TikToks. Think about how it will get weirder, until the memory of the chats about homework and monographs with girl M becomes a bitter, hazy memory of when I thought I might have a chance with her, or that it meant something to her beyond mere help.

((유∀유|||))

I'd be curious to read these words again. Will I have a partner? Haha, I doubt it. Will I be in love with someone else again, and will I try to read what I wrote in this post? Or will I still be with girl M, hoping that the situation will be better? With her already being someone else? Or just an almost ghostly contact?

I guess I'll immerse myself in music. It won't be so bad after all.

Especially since I'm not sure how to go on now.

Living a monotonous, solitary life isn't fun.

Drawing could be an escape. While I maintain this pseudo-friendly interaction with guy R (I have to admit, I'm afraid to think of him as a "just in case" friend, you know, betrayals, that kind of thing).

And with girl M? Well... I don't know.

I guess, at the very least, it's proof that I don't know how to make friends, or keep them.