I Wish it Would Rain Down

 

A gentle night of aggressive rain.

My computer just got back from repairs.

The graphics card almost exploded from the heat.

I don't have the means to afford another computer or any repairs.

So I just have to endure it as long as I can.

Keep creating.

(´°̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥ω°̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥｀)

S̴h̴e̶ ̸p̶r̴o̸b̵a̴b̵l̷y̷ ̴w̴o̴u̴l̸d̷n̸'̷t̸ ̷h̷a̵v̵e̷ ̷c̶a̸r̸e̴d̵.̶

Phil Collins' music is good right now.

It's an eerie moment.

I have so many important things to do.

But I still continue with what I love to do.

Drawing organisms.

At least for now, in the present of this post.

While I remember the times I wrote to her hoping for some reaction, a laughing emoji after ages without a reply.

How can she be with such toxic people, and pretend not to notice?

I don't think I've mentioned it in another post, but yes, I cut off all communication with girl M. Literally. It's been almost a month since I've heard from her. I don't even know what's become of her. I assume that if I had continued forcing the interaction, I would still be stuck wondering what I should write to get her attention. I suppose. If I told her what happened to my computer, a slight "hahaha" and nothing more. No interest.

Sometimes I presume that I've proven she really didn't care because since I stopped writing to her, she hasn't said a single word. But that's actually because I had blocked her. Any message she might have sent, well, I simply didn't receive it. I hope it was some message offering help with something, as it always has been. 

I'm not going to repeat the same old shit about it being that and not an effort to evolve the interaction into something more, because in reality, I was just deluding myself, thinking there was something more, being the one bothering her by sending memes, asking how her day was, and so on, with the attempt... no, with the certainty, that she neither cared about it, nor gained anything from it, and that it actually annoyed her.

It's stopped raining. Now everything is silent. "Phil Collins - I Wish It Would Rain Down" plays loudly as those memories continue to fade, blurring into artificial recollections where everything was better and worked.

I have a lot of work to do. 

My university just threatened me, saying I have to submit one last course performance report, or I'll face some unknown sanction. 

On top of that, I need to make some progress on my final year project, which I'm already fed up with not making any damn progress on. And pretending it's all the university's fault, because the truth is, those bastards have thrown all sorts of obstacles in my way, from methodological ones to questioning the stupid topic I chose—I don't want to talk about it. Because I haven't done anything wrong, and I'm not doing anything wrong now. 

"Yes, yes, I am a responsible, diligent, and committed person" is a typical empty resume line, or rather, the typical empty line on my resumes to say that I'll basically sell myself for a few bucks. When in reality I don't fit those descriptions. The director of the museum where the samples I analyze are housed got incredibly angry because I wasn't making significant progress on the final project. 

It's an interesting contrast, you know? One day I said to myself: I think I've finally found my true calling: protists. You know. Reading about them so I can draw them, which isn't easy, I invest many hours reading in depth (or more or less in depth) articles and other sources that explain aspects of cellular microanatomy to see how to represent a structure. And I'm not going to get paid for it! No money, of course. I do it all so that it's free, open access, and trusting that people will mention my name as the author, and avoid being forgotten.

It's a contrast, when I genuinely love something and put my heart into it. And then there's my project, which has me completely exhausted. I don't feel like finishing it; I just want it to magically write itself, for the pain of presenting in front of the jury to be over, for me to get my degree, and say: I did it, just like that.

ლ(⋋·⋌)ლ

Besides that, I have to make some serious corrections to the illustration of Dolichomastix tenuilepis because I'm a total crap and I've forgotten to properly read the spatial orientations and I've drawn a lot of things backward. I MUST fix that. 

Additionally, I have to finish a drawing of a kinetoplastid organism. It's one of the ones I'm most proud of because it was from an article I didn't want to read at all, but I told myself, "Screw it. Let's do it." And I'm almost finished because I discovered some things that could improve the drawing's accuracy.

Aaaah... drawings.

I remember when girl M asked me what I was doing. "I draw... I draw the structures of microorganisms." And what did I expect? I don't know. I wasn't asking her to be a genius and complement me. But I did expect appreciation, understanding, tenderness. That I was being observed. Like an anime couple where the protagonist's crush is interested in the manga he reads in the purest way possible, simply because he's him and he's great. And because he's good and takes care of her and attends to her quirks.

It also reminds me of the first time someone was interested in one of my drawings, a crush from a bygone era, girl P. But that's a story for another post that I probably won't write.

Do you know what I have received? The Graphic Designer Barnstar!!!!

＼(｀0´)／

/╲/\〳 ᴼᴼ ౪ ᴼᴼ 〵/\╱\

I consider it one of the most prestigious recognitions a user can receive in the Wikipedia ecosystem. It's something I've dreamed about quite a few times, especially when looking at other users' profiles and seeing their Barnstars. "Wow, those people are truly amazing and they do something that matters." And I can... now I can think about it, think that I too am part of that exclusive social group. And it's wonderful! It might sound lame, but I didn't expect to get that barnstar status with so little effort.

And that's why I must continue. 

One more illustration. 

Little by little. 

Until I burn out, until something stops me in my tracks.

σ( ' ┰￣)

I wish there was a certain girl, so I could celebrate with her. And not be judged. Or ignored in reality. "Reality."

But... enough with the edgy, dark, and cloying writing. I must finish these illustrations. 

It's a promise I made to myself that I have to keep.

ʀᴇʟɪᴇꜰ

 

Hypothetically, my face right now.

Hypothetically, my attitude right now. 

HaHaHaHa (-‿◦☀)

This post is simply a confirmation that I've returned (and hopefully not "just for now") to my mental stability. By that, I mean I've stopped being sad or overthinking people who probably couldn't care less. I'm focusing on what's important.

Right now, I've just finished some corrections I've been meaning to do since last year. You know, while thoroughly reviewing Clay's (2015) text on cryptomonad algae, I came across a passage I'd overlooked: that these organisms are assumed to have only one reticulated mitochondrion. A detail I'd completely ignored, which resulted in me depicting the mitochondria incorrectly in the illustrations of cryptomonad algae I'd already posted on Wikimedia. I had to redraw the drawings (thankfully they were layered, so it wasn't too tedious), as well as rewrite the information. The change was applied to: Komma caudata, Cryptomonas curvata (Campylomonas rostratiformis), Goniomonas truncata, Pyrenomonas ovalis, and Pyrenomonas helgolandii.

I'm glad I finished correcting all those aspects. Now I plan to write an article as a report to, you know, improve visibility, that sort of thing. I also have a project, which is currently secret, with Giardia intestinalis, which I'm really eager to write and finally publish. It's perhaps the illustration that has required the most research so far; I thought it would be easier.

If you're a new reader here, the whole timeline discussed here probably sounds like gibberish to you. I hope it stays that way, haha. That just adds to the "mystery." Or I don't know, maybe it'll end up being really cringeworthy.

Yes, Ellen Joe might be my favorite "waifu."

A phase has ended

 

Finally, it was the last day. Well, more accurately, yesterday was the last day I spent on university grounds. It wasn't an epic finale, nor one filled with hope or expectations. I suppose it was just an ending, and that's that.

⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘

⌯⌲

     ⌯⌲

             ⌯⌲

                     ⌯⌲

                              ⌯⌲

                                       ⌯⌲

                                                ⌯⌲

                                                         ⌯⌲

Okay, now. Seriously.

It's strange, it's always strange for me, or rather, a bit unnerving, to have to start a new post for my blog.

This time, I'm here to explain that I simply feel like I'm adrift again.

No, I'm lying.

That never bothered me. I don't have that weight or that feeling of "what am I going to do with my life?" What I feel is loneliness, a loneliness that hasn't completely resolved. I already experienced it in high school and pre-university. Now, it's happening again. Many bad things (very bad), many good experiences (with moments that genuinely made me laugh), but in the end, isolated.

I'm not going to focus on, or rather, I don't want to emphasize too much, the fact that I've failed again to get a girlfriend during this time. The old college expectations meme probably comes to mind (you know the thing: improve, be more sociable, push boundaries, go out more often, and ultimately, live a wild life). Something I've partially achieved, but not completely. I feel like many of the experiences I could have had, or should have had, at this stage, like a kiss or holding hands with a girl, I just haven't been able to attain. And now I feel like it will be harder to achieve that in life. Not to mention almost impossible. You know. I'm not exactly handsome.

And that's something that's been roting me up inside. Because more than once I've felt excluded because of it. I don't know. It's a bit of a pain when you try to be closer to a girl. And you know, it used to be really hard for me. Because I stuttered a lot, I didn't know what to say, I generally acted weird. I haven't completely improved in that area, but at least I can crack jokes and be more fluent in conversation. But I feel like that's going to be my biggest social achievement.

Because when I've started trying to get closer, that is, to become more interested in a girl, to try to talk to her more, to help her... I feel like she magically senses it. And then she distances herself, leaving me with an awful feeling of, "Okay, so what am I doing wrong now?" ...... to exist?

I knew it was going to happen, but... The end of this phase means that I'll be without a real connection with anyone for a while again. I haven't felt like I've fully connected with my classmates either. There have been some really good moments. Like the field trips, even the more casual group outings. They weren't related to university projects, but were simply for having a good time together.

Then, I don't know if it's because I'm very sensitive, or if I actually overreact, but there have been jokes that were funny in context but left me thinking or feeling a little uncomfortable. I've been able to handle it, one way or another. Being able to more or less return the "attack" with a similar joke about the other person's character or some negative event in his/her life, and continue the group joke.

That means I've lost my former innocence, the one I had in school, when if someone said "p_ssy" I'd actually look incredibly goofy.

The other thing I've also felt, which is why I feel I haven't made truly accurate connections, is that I've overexposed my obsession with wanting to do things well. Actually, it's a pseudo-obsession. 

Because I can start a project with a lot of energy and dedication. But then that enthusiasm fades. "It's no big deal" when it's just a drawing or something I'm writing. But it has been a problem when I've had to write monographs, essays, or papers for university. When a professor asked a question in online classes, since it was easy for me to overcome my fear behind the screen, I could come up with elaborate answers. And that was my mistake, I think. Demonstrating that I was completely capable in online classes.

⋆͛*͛ ͙͛ ⁑͛⋆͛*͛ ͙͛(๑•﹏•)⋆͛*͛ ͙͛ ⁑͛⋆͛*͛ ͙͛

Obviously, it all came crashing down when the COVID-19 pandemic ended. 

         It happened around the fifth semester. 

              Classes went back to being in person. 

                                        And I had to face the world head-on, people in real life. 

( /・・)ノ ! !

In other words, I had to overcome my shyness again. It wasn't the same. Even if a professor asked a question and I answered well, most of the time I had to deal with the "yes, that's fine, BUT...", and that gave me a pang of feeling like I hadn't been good enough, like I'd made a fool of myself, especially compared to how confident and accurate I could answer when I wasn't there, in a classroom, with everyone listening, and potentially watching.

Even so, I still had the field of writing, whether by hand or digitally. And above all, my drawing skills, something that stood out, but only slightly (too bad it wasn't enough to attract the girl I liked/liked). I think all of that already framed me as someone who could be useful. For that reason, I think I managed to end up in a group (the group of classmates I was with for the rest of university). 

Even if they found me funny, or at least tolerated me, ultimately I felt that my true key role was simply being able to solve homework assignments or projects, and helping them with that too. A mistake meant noticeable anger or annoyance from the group. I didn't feel very free. I had to be "useful." But I was already getting tired of it being like that. I longed to also be someone who didn't have a clue, who could trust another person and calmly ask for opinions, someone who could solve some crap two by two without the burden of "I'm asking for help, but they really expect me to solve everything, and perfectly."

The part about "not including me, in the end and throughout all this time, in parties or more social gatherings" is understandable. But I think it was very, very justifiable. Aside from my odd personality and lack of confidence in crowded environments, I also lived far away. 

Very far away, from the capital where the university was located. 

Because of that, I felt that forming relationships or strengthening pseudo-friendships was going to be impossible. Public transportation stopped at night after 9 pm. How was I going to get home? Whose house could I stay at? What if they really didn't care so much that in that situation they would have preferred to send me home in an Uber or some other shady ride, instead of being willing to put me up for the night, as they would do for their friends?

And of course, my mom, who has always been a control freak, wasn't going to let me go to a party and enjoy myself. And since she had the operation in December and can't do any physical activity due to her recovery, I now have to deal with the entire burden of the household chores. Much less energy, much less strength, and far fewer opportunities to go out.

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꜀( ˊ̠˂˃ˋ̠ )꜆

I think I have, at the very least, two main interactions. One is more like a friendship with a classmate who, frankly, has helped me a lot with drives and, in general, with not being a total social outcast. We have a good sense of humor. So... yeah, I don't have to abandon him, at least not so suddenly, because since there's no more university, well, I don't know how things will develop. I don't know if the interaction will really survive based solely on sending memes, and maybe some life problem that comes up for him.

The other interaction is recent; it's with girl M, the one I fell for. And this is, painfully, the one I'm most certain will end. Half an hour ago, she sent me a TikTok about... something. But the important thing is that I have to accept that it simply means she sees me as a good classmate, in the best possible way. But I get jealous when I see her getting along better with other guys around me, when she seems to avoid being near me for very long in person. I don't know if it's because of what she once told me, that I seem too serious. Or if she simply doesn't like me.

That's it. BUT, I'll stop overthinking, like I try to promise myself every time. And admit that... the interaction with girl M might not have much of a future. Maybe it will last as long as the need and desire to keep interacting with her university classmates lasts. Maybe her messages will become more occasional. Maybe I'll want to reciprocate and keep the interaction alive, but then I might overdo it and send a lot of messages, bothering her. Tell her I like her? Well, ChatGPT asked me a question about that.

If I did, would it be because that's how I could truly close this chapter with her? Or would it actually be selfish, and I'd only be doing it as a pointless attempt to change things? And potentially leaving things awkward between us, of course. "Ruining a friendship for the selfish desire to h___ with her," although my goal isn't just to h_____ with her and that's it (that would disgust me enough), but to have a full relationship. Considering I'm not that much of a "friend" with her. 

      I think. 

                                     I suppose...

I suppose that the best thing would be... not to get too involved. Maybe send occasional TikToks. Think about how it will get weirder, until the memory of the chats about homework and monographs with girl M becomes a bitter, hazy memory of when I thought I might have a chance with her, or that it meant something to her beyond mere help.

((유∀유|||))

I'd be curious to read these words again. Will I have a partner? Haha, I doubt it. Will I be in love with someone else again, and will I try to read what I wrote in this post? Or will I still be with girl M, hoping that the situation will be better? With her already being someone else? Or just an almost ghostly contact?

I guess I'll immerse myself in music. It won't be so bad after all.

Especially since I'm not sure how to go on now.

Living a monotonous, solitary life isn't fun.

Drawing could be an escape. While I maintain this pseudo-friendly interaction with guy R (I have to admit, I'm afraid to think of him as a "just in case" friend, you know, betrayals, that kind of thing).

And with girl M? Well... I don't know.

I guess, at the very least, it's proof that I don't know how to make friends, or keep them.