ˢᵗᵃᵗⁱᶜ ˢᵒᵘˡ

I feel like I'm collapsing again. The pains in my side are coming back, and I think it's the gallstones they found more than six months ago.

I feel like I don't like looking in the mirror; I've started to hate them. It's something I have to say eventually. I look at myself and... no, I just don't like what I see. That's very negative, so I'll leave it at that because I'm not going to dwell on it any further.

I have immigration status issues. That's all I'm going to say, no more details. I'll just say that I feel like I'm experiencing all the problems and not "the good things about young adulthood," although I think that time is simply over. I live far away, I can't go to any clubs or have fun in any setting, my mom is permanently ill, etc. It's exhausting, and honestly, I think this life just isn't going to last anymore. So now... all I can do is hope that multiple lives exist and that I can do better in the next one.

You know? If there were another life, I'd like to remember all the mistakes I made in this one, all the bad decisions and attitudes that led me to become the gloomy, quiet, spineless, and cowardly boy I am today.

I wish I hadn't had such an inflated ego when I was told I was gifted. It went to my head and clashed with my shyness, ultimately isolating me even more because I simply couldn't keep up with the kids my age. I wish I had listened to that janitor who told me not to just train my mind, that my body is important too. Boy, was she right; she knew what she was talking about.

I wish I had been more likable. I've always been very quiet, and I've never tried to change that. Well, maybe I have, but either I've always encountered the worst people (teasing, humiliating, or misunderstandings), or I simply never kept up with the trends of that time, or even now. I promised myself I'd be more sociable, but I just can't. I feel awkward and artificial, and I think others notice it too because... in any situation, I always stand apart. I'm always the one trailing behind. Anyway, I don't have much to say. Or much to contribute, either.

I remember that friend I had in childhood who sometimes used to invite me over for sleepovers. Back then, I found her annoying; God knows what she was thinking or why. Eventually, she drifted away, and she's absolutely right. High school wasn't any better, but college was, and I had closer friends. The unsettling thing is that I'm not recalling any memories with nostalgia. I only briefly remember the experiences with (2)1(1)_11(2)-(2)1(1)-(3)1-11(1)1 and what that could have meant to me.

Yeah... I think so. I just hope to be more normal and do better in a future life.

What I have left now is to persevere and try to preserve my legacy. To imagine beautiful possible scenarios on the bus. Evoking moments from my current favorite anime, Class de 2-banme ni Kawaii Onnanoko to Tomodachi ni Natta.

...Hey, is there someone you really like? Well, tell them you like them. Seriously. It's going to hurt if they reject you, or if you know they're going to reject you, obviously. But it's true, better that than developing a grudge later that isn't even justified because that other person probably saw you as a friend, or a lackey, or however you want to see it. Do you want a friend or to be in a certain group of friends? Well... I don't have very good ideas for that. Try to immerse yourself in the other people's tastes or what they have in common. Of course, avoid those people who just seek pleasure in evil (stealing, smoking, doing drugs). Eventually, that destroys your liver, and believe me, you don't want to have a failing organ and have to give up the joys of life just to keep saving your own life in the hospital with the help of some machine.

I'll try to see if I can get out of this rut ​​and write something. I have to get up early tomorrow to keep sorting out my shitty problems.

Try not to overthink your problems.

If it gets too heavy, open up and play a video game. Or go to sleep. Or if that's really impossible, well, maybe writing into thin air, like I do, could be a good idea.

Good luck.

And good night.