Back in action... actually a lie

Why do I say it's a lie? Well, because I'm not so sure if I'm going to continue with anything else. Don't worry, it's nothing serious. I mean, I've kind of run out of energy (just a little?) to keep illustrating, or to do anything else for that matter. The anxiety surrounding the final project is really draining me, but at least I was able to make some progress on a process I needed to formalize the meeting times with my supervising professor. It's a document that had me on tenterhooks because it's necessary to move forward with the final project... and I'd already taken longer than expected to get it.

┬┴┬┴┤(･_ ├┬┴┬┴

The final project isn't finished, but it's almost done. I still need to create illustrations of the samples I used (I hope I don't get canceled for that since I forgot to use scales) and correct poorly written or nonsensical paragraphs. Do I have to talk to the external supervisor I've been ghosting because I haven't made any progress? I really wouldn't want to get to that point and have a conflict of interest ("yeah, but I thought I'd dropped out, so I'm not giving any authorization for that crap"). My ideal solution is simply to give a decent defense, get a decent grade, and tell them all to go to hell. Let them keep the data to publish in whatever journal they want. I want my degree and nothing more.

Why? To enter the workforce more firmly, of course. 

Okay, no, 

that's not the reason, get over it.

The main reason is to stop feeling guilty about my own laziness, to repay some of my debt to my parents. And that's it. Ultimately, I don't even care if I end up working as a biologist. I think it's more of a resignation.

I'd like to reflect on the fact that I'm not really alone (?). Mother, who owns the house. I've already mentioned my dynamic with her quite a bit, so I won't repeat myself in this post. Father, who always sends me messages in bottles with a predictable pattern. Part of my uncertainty about visiting him is whether he'll really be the same father I had to say goodbye to that morning. I finally have a college friend I still talk to (I'll call him "Individual S"), mainly in terms of sending memes and Instagram reels. He's arguably the closest thing I've had to a friend. But I still have my lingering doubts. That's how distrustful I am. Of course, he's told me personal things, and I appreciate that he cares about me. It would be ungrateful to diminish or ignore that. In fact, if it weren't for him, I might even be more overwhelmed.

(2)1(1)_11(2)-(2)1(1)-(3)1-11(1)1 reappeared, but it's not the same. It feels like talking to an alternate of The Mandela Catalogue. In the sense that she's not the same person I met during that trip. I was hoping we'd have a genuine friendship, but it doesn't seem normal to ghost me for days and then write back like nothing happened. Ignoring the fact that I would have liked to be with her, I don't think it's ideal behavior, not even for a friendship. So I've decided not to invest so much energy in replying, swallowing my desire to tell her things. I can do this with individual S, but I don't feel that much trust yet, and anyway, I have a primal goal of establishing trust and honesty with a woman. Typical romantic love, y' know.

However, I think I'm too unstable for that. Maybe for a long time. Maybe forever. So I'm preparing myself for a solitary life. With its pros and its major cons. I'm not the healthiest or the most attractive person. So I don't think people will feel sorry for me much when I'm falling apart.

This gives me some motivation to see if I can manage to make those pending corrections to my Giardia illustration. "Do the best I can" for the Protista Project. That's something I can't abandon for a moment, just like my final project. I have to keep both things going.

Miisumɔ ni mawɔ

                             

"Don't kick my things when you're walking." "So what is it, 1ɔ_-_/ \ ! 1ɔ, if there's enough room to get through?"

"I'll just leave the box tidy again, right? I don't know what you're doing. Everywhere I go, I open boxes to tidy them up".

If I had any enthusiasm to keep writing, I've lost it. I feel like I'm living with constant tension. That's why I don't want to see mother when she finds out the truth.

I feel like nothing excites me anymore, really, in many aspects of life. I'd even dare to say I might give up on the protist illustration project.

I just want to sleep, that's all.

Today I went to lunch with mother, and she asked me for half a piece of meat, but my clumsy hands burned me, and it fell on the table. That was enough to earn me the insult of being weak and inept for the rest of the meal. I wish I could go alone.

I'm not particularly excited about going on a trip to see father after a long time. Why? Is that normal? Was it a way of ignoring the fact that he wasn't around for various reasons? Work? It's been vital; otherwise, I wouldn't be able to study. Unfortunately, it seems I've also lost sight of what it meant to have a dad. Now I'm going to see a stranger in another country.

I don't feel at peace, reader. Even sometimes, games... nothing is bringing me peace.

Closing my eyes when I sleep and embracing the darkness of the night's silence is my favorite pastime right now.

I'll try to write a bit more about the final project.

ߘߎ߬ߛߎ ߞߎ߲ ߕߋ߫ ߓߊ߲߫

꒰ᐢ. .ᐢ꒱

             ꒰ᐢ. .ᐢ꒱

                             ꒰ᐢ. .ᐢ꒱

                                             ꒰ᐢ. .ᐢ꒱ 

                                                          ¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡

                                                                                            🕸                            🕸

                                    🕸                               🕸                                 🕸                              🕸

         🕸                                          🕸                           🕸                                🕸                              🕸

                                                                            ·˚ ༘₊· ͟͟͞͞꒰➳

ᐢ..ᐢ

ᐢ..ᐢ

ᐢ..ᐢ

ᐢ..ᐢ

ᐢ..ᐢ

ᐢ..ᐢ

ᐢ..ᐢ

ᐢ..ᐢ

ᐢ..ᐢ

ᐢ..ᐢ

ᐢ..ᐢ

It's strange to hear my mother say she hopes I finish my final project and that it doesn't take me more than a year, and that she doesn't believe other classmates are in similar situations. She's talking to a relative on a video call about how I dedicate several hours to the project. Which is a complete lie and makes me feel bad.

The situation regarding final projects at my faculty is certainly awful, because there's a kind of intentional delay on the part of the tutors. This manifests as neglect, lack of organization, and overcomplicated methodological processes (the project is supposed to be simple, and then they keep making it complicated until it's indefensible), or even favoritism.

Ugh... but also because of the initial rejections of my final project idea (which made me repeat Scientific Writing III, something I haven't told a single person about), and the already growing lack of motivation towards the end of the semester, I've also become stuck in a downward spiral of not making any progress.

I must confess, dear reader, that I'm afraid my mother will discover that I don't actually take that long to complete projects. The only way that happens is when permits take a long time—that is, permits for handling living organisms, or for handling people when the focus is on human groups. Also, of course, when the student simply doesn't put effort into their project.............................which is my case.

.

..

..

...

....

.....

.......

.........

...........................

૮₍˶Ó﹏Ò ⑅₎ა

What have I been doing all this time? 

Losing myself in the void, I think. 

Playing Roblox or Brawl Stars, watching videos, 

losing sight of the original objective. 

Or taking refuge in research to create the protist illustrations. 

૮₍ ˵ • ꤮ ก ˵ ₎ა

But it was clear that this wasn't going to erase the responsibility for the final project.

In a relatively recent post, I said I was going to start structuring the final project a bit because I was getting worried about not having it finished. I've actually managed to make progress on some sections I still needed to write. The illustrations are still missing, and I think I'll do that tomorrow. Today I'm not sure if I'll dedicate more time to the other drafted sections that still need proofreading because they're written from memory and lack the necessary references to be well-supported. 

This is also a concern because I can't find any recent or precise references on the research topic. For example, I need to support my claims about the musculature and nerves of a mouse abandoned in the Colombian highlands with the only similar information I have, which comes from a Russian laboratory study of a common European blind mole.

You... you get the dilemma, right? It's as if the "repeated" information I need to support ("Yes, I swear someone else has already said this!") is found in very different organisms, and I'm afraid they'll notice and attack me on that front, in a hypothetical defense, if it actually comes to that. Another worry is that they'll notice most of my supporting data is textual but not numerical, since I don't have other studies that replicate the exact measurements I'm taking. There's a project reviewer who's particularly observant about this, and if they reject my defense...

The defense.

?                  ?                  ?                     ?

           ?                 ?                   ?                     ?                 ?              '¿

Will I even bother defending it? 

I can't see myself doing it. There's this custom where, for your defense, you invite everyone—even the priest from your village, if necessary—and all those who "believe in you" (a nice way of saying they believe in your ability to prosper and become financially successful enough to save them. That was incredibly edgy of me, I regret it). But honestly, my final project is rubbish. If they reject my defense in front of everyone, it will be not only a humiliation, but also the complete rejection of my parents. And I already have enough to deal with from my mother's occasional yelling.

At least I've made some progress on the text of my final project. I think it's decent enough to show my tutor, and to tell him to please, for God's sake, start the approval process for Final Project 3 Writing, because I'm still stuck with that "subject."

Ugh... I don't know, dear reader. 

It's even possible I'll never finish the project, and therefore never graduate. That would also mean the end of my free time "for studying," which I've been spending looking at memes and, to avoid judgment, also at protist illustrations.

I'm getting sleepy. 

All I have to do now is make a little more progress on that text. At least I managed to make some progress and not leave it stuck again for another day.

As always, I hope these life experiences I share will help you not feel alone or abandoned, whatever your current shitty situation may be.

To musi być teraz!

How am I feeling today? Weird, I guess.

I know I should be working on that final project. I don't know if having a meeting about it in a few days will actually help. It'll give me a sense of "not neglecting it," when deep down, I know that's not true. But I'll see if, after this monologue to the void, I actually get around to doing something about it, because I can't go on without making any progress.

I also feel weird because... I don't know, also because I'm not accomplishing much on my own. The idea of ​​a good job seems distant. And honestly, I don't really like the prospect of a future with physically demanding work that doesn't satisfy me or offer any chance of connecting with a girl. Why am I even thinking about finding a partner? That's surprising, considering I'm quite individualistic, or a social loner, since I don't like parties or anything like that. 

I don't think I've mentioned how awful it was to be in the coastal nightclubs, during a marine mammal research trip, when I saw my crush at the time being seduced by someone else, seemingly more capable. Actually, he was more capable; he was literally a zoologist with the organization. I won't delve further into whether it was right or wrong for him to try and flirt with a student—well, I guess not, since we're all adults.

Which is brutal. Is it normal to take so long with your studies when you're dangerously close to 30? I'm still relatively far from that age, but I am nearing 25. At least the only thing I have left to finish is my final project. I'm sure if you look at previous posts you can find psychological reasons and more context about why I'm putting it off so much. 

...

And it sucks because it must be some kind of procrastination or aggressive lack of focus because I know I HAVE TO finish it, but I'm INCAPABLE of putting it on, you know? It makes me feel like a failure.

yeah this image looks like a shitpost meme fot his situation but genuinely this is lowkey me rn

Yes... I think I'll actually get started on that final project right now. Writing... well, not writing anymore because I somehow managed to finish the "skeleton" of the entire text, but I have to do something because I can't go on like this. I've been putting it off too much this week, and the worst part is that I've even been putting off illustration number 30, because new information came up while I was writing about it (it's of Giardia lamblia, intestinalis or duodenalis) and I had to redraw everything. 

And now I've also noticed other errors, less serious but still worth correcting to avoid misinformation since it's going to be on Wikimedia. Yes, it's a bit of a relief that I don't have more pressure on this illustration because it's my own project and I set my own deadlines. I suppose I'm the cause of my own stress, or worry, about not being able to finish illustration 30. But it has to be as accurate as possible in terms of the representation of organelles.

i'm not feeling tuff today

That's what I was planning to do this morning, but now that the topic of the final project has come out of my closet, I think I'd better get on with it because otherwise the guilt will just keep growing, and I want to be close to finishing it. It's already pretty awful thinking that I'll eventually have to request publication permission from the coordinator who gave me access to the samples for that final project, with whom I ended things on bad terms because I didn't manage to finish the final project in their ideal timeframe (4 months), and that it was a good thing I was going to give the opportunity to someone more interested. At this point, I've lost any higher motivation stemming from the final project (like the idea of ​​it becoming a scientific article) because it's a fact that the important thing is to get a job, and I don't have many doors open to me. My fault, of course.

The anxiety has gripped me again, 

so I was planning to continue with that Giardia illustration this afternoon, 

but unfortunately, 

and for my own good, 

it will have to wait. 

...

Not until I finish that text properly. I have to make it as good as possible so that it at least looks decent for the external coordinator. I know she might even throw up because the final project text is absolute garbage. I was also going to talk about girl M's brief return, but that'll have to wait for another post, if I remember. I'm going to work on the final project right now, otherwise I'll die of worry.

𝓽𝓱𝓪

Heyo.

It',s me, DOTkamina.

Welcome c:

꜀( ˊ̠˂˃ˋ̠ )꜆

Today I'm writing because I feel strange. Weird. Distorted.

I'll get straight to the point. This post could be considered a turning point, since I'm writing it on a new laptop. A cheap emergency one I bought to fix the problem I was having with the damaged screen on my other one, as I was getting tired of using SpaceDesk to use my phone as a second monitor.

That was a few weeks ago, and I've experienced a sudden shutdown. I suppose it's just a quirk of a second-hand device, since it wasn't brand new. I'll have to make do with this one until I finish the final project. I hope to get a final version this week. Illustrating the skulls... I'm too lazy to do it, to be honest.

But the real reason for this post is the alteration. The thing is, today I went to my internship at the vertebrate museum, as I've probably mentioned in another post. In my free time, I went down a street looking for a place to get a good, cheap lunch.

Then a strange man appeared. First, he told me what seemed to be an alert about student kidnappings. Unfortunately, this has intensified considerably in the country; not long ago, a young woman disappeared under unknown circumstances and was found dead in a wooded area.

But the situation started to become alarming when he began telling me that he was someone hired to eliminate suspects. And he started threatening me. 

I froze. 

He began telling me that if I didn't cooperate by giving him information about where I study, where I live, my habits, and finally, by showing him my SIM card, he had a group waiting to take me for questioning.

Naturally, I was terrified, but I tried to keep my composure. 

I told him to stop talking, that I wasn't going to say another word, and I tried to take refuge in a stationery store that I happened to be near. 

Not a single police officer in sight. 

That stranger kept telling me he could pull out a gun or a knife at any moment, but he wasn't doing it yet because he wanted to resolve things peacefully.

Anyway, I managed to hide in the stationery store until I had enough money for a taxi to get back to the museum quickly, since it was far away and that stranger was still hanging around nearby, as far as I could see through the window.

I had never felt so threatened and in such an unpleasant situation, because I felt that any decision that man made could have ended in tragedy. Who knows what would have happened if I had been on a less busy street?

Everything is fine now. I don't feel completely terrified, but I do feel uncertain, a more extreme kind. 

These are like signs that I shouldn't go to the museum. 

I have an important (and mandatory) trip to take soon. Time is running out to finish my final project. The pressure from my mother is increasing. And we're not in the best financial situation, so the ticket is expensive. And I had already been almost mugged some time ago; they managed to snatch my phone while I was trying to write something, but I was able to hold on to it tightly. No one helped; they were just in shock. Although, who could be prepared for situations like that?

I don't know. Ever since the first day I was in that museum, a feeling of "you shouldn't be investing your time in this" has been gnawing at me. It's not like I enjoy being in the museum either. I'd like to say that at least it's something that excites me and "that I've found another possible vocation here," but I just feel like dead weight. I don't know if it's because the tasks are monotonous, or because of the formaldehyde in the dead animals, which is more concentrated, and the rooms are sealed, so the smell is stronger.

The fact that I'm stressed trying to save money on lunches and even the bus fare itself doesn't help much, I think...

Yeah.

I think so. I'll just stay this week. Then I'll think of something to leave for good.

I suppose part of the reason I left early and stayed home is because I'd be wasting an "opportunity" that's hard to come by; it's not like I can just say, "I want to go in and see specimens for the sheer love of it."

But I don't know. Something still tells me I shouldn't keep going, and these robberies seem to be warning me of something. The situation in the country is becoming increasingly unsafe.

Hope to reach a more peaceful state