Why do I say it's a lie? Well, because I'm not so sure if I'm going to continue with anything else. Don't worry, it's nothing serious. I mean, I've kind of run out of energy (just a little?) to keep illustrating, or to do anything else for that matter. The anxiety surrounding the final project is really draining me, but at least I was able to make some progress on a process I needed to formalize the meeting times with my supervising professor. It's a document that had me on tenterhooks because it's necessary to move forward with the final project... and I'd already taken longer than expected to get it.
The final project isn't finished, but it's almost done. I still need to create illustrations of the samples I used (I hope I don't get canceled for that since I forgot to use scales) and correct poorly written or nonsensical paragraphs. Do I have to talk to the external supervisor I've been ghosting because I haven't made any progress? I really wouldn't want to get to that point and have a conflict of interest ("yeah, but I thought I'd dropped out, so I'm not giving any authorization for that crap"). My ideal solution is simply to give a decent defense, get a decent grade, and tell them all to go to hell. Let them keep the data to publish in whatever journal they want. I want my degree and nothing more.
Why? To enter the workforce more firmly, of course.
Okay, no,
that's not the reason, get over it.
The main reason is to stop feeling guilty about my own laziness, to repay some of my debt to my parents. And that's it. Ultimately, I don't even care if I end up working as a biologist. I think it's more of a resignation.
I'd like to reflect on the fact that I'm not really alone (?). Mother, who owns the house. I've already mentioned my dynamic with her quite a bit, so I won't repeat myself in this post. Father, who always sends me messages in bottles with a predictable pattern. Part of my uncertainty about visiting him is whether he'll really be the same father I had to say goodbye to that morning. I finally have a college friend I still talk to (I'll call him "Individual S"), mainly in terms of sending memes and Instagram reels. He's arguably the closest thing I've had to a friend. But I still have my lingering doubts. That's how distrustful I am. Of course, he's told me personal things, and I appreciate that he cares about me. It would be ungrateful to diminish or ignore that. In fact, if it weren't for him, I might even be more overwhelmed.
(2)1(1)_11(2)-(2)1(1)-(3)1-11(1)1 reappeared, but it's not the same. It feels like talking to an alternate of The Mandela Catalogue. In the sense that she's not the same person I met during that trip. I was hoping we'd have a genuine friendship, but it doesn't seem normal to ghost me for days and then write back like nothing happened. Ignoring the fact that I would have liked to be with her, I don't think it's ideal behavior, not even for a friendship. So I've decided not to invest so much energy in replying, swallowing my desire to tell her things. I can do this with individual S, but I don't feel that much trust yet, and anyway, I have a primal goal of establishing trust and honesty with a woman. Typical romantic love, y' know.
However, I think I'm too unstable for that. Maybe for a long time. Maybe forever. So I'm preparing myself for a solitary life. With its pros and its major cons. I'm not the healthiest or the most attractive person. So I don't think people will feel sorry for me much when I'm falling apart.
This gives me some motivation to see if I can manage to make those pending corrections to my Giardia illustration. "Do the best I can" for the Protista Project. That's something I can't abandon for a moment, just like my final project. I have to keep both things going.
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