28/09/26

Ik bin net yn steat om myn doelen te foltôgjen


I don't want to go to any more doctor's appointments. It's exhausting to imagine having to spend money on that instead of spending quality time with someone. What if I have a mole that looks suspicious because of its irregular shape? What if I have suspicious inflammation in my gallbladder? What if I have an abnormal curvature in my spine? Well, those are the things that definitely make me feel weak. 

Actually, I am weak. I'm not writing this out of self-pity or a desire to be in pain; I'm just feeling disconnected as I write. I'm trying to write a guide, and I set a certain number of species to finish soon. But it seems to be getting longer. Oh well, at least I've got about five species covered. I hope to finish it eventually. How about before the end of the year? Hmm, I don't know.

That's a lie. These last years, I'm incapable of finishing anything I set my mind to. I used to feel invincible when it came to writing anything. But just seeing the sheer effort involved seems to overwhelm me. How, then, do I plan to live like this? That's what's troubling me right now.


0_null is stupid. Why are all the people around me imperfect and, eventually, awful? She doesn't realize that Individual S is cheating on her with others. I know I should keep it a secret, but honestly, I think it's a total mess. And 0_null is still so in love with this guy. So why do I keep supporting Individual S? I know perfectly well. It's not even because I consider him "the closest thing to a friend" because I've never considered anyone a friend. Least of all Individual S, who has shown signs of aggression when I couldn't help him with something. As far as I'm concerned, he can go to hell if he wants. The main reason I'm still in contact with him is for some business opportunity or help in case everything about me comes out and I get kicked out. 

But I don't feel safe.

I feel so sorry for 0_null. Why did I end up in this situation, knowing about their awful situations? I should have distanced myself from and insulted Individual S as soon as I could. In fact, I've already let him know that he's a piece of shit for being like that; even the ermines harassed him when he was in that penthouse with that random he told me about. His mother was furious with him. Obviously. 




So was I. 

Because 0_null has a similar sense of humor to mine. If I were 0_null's boyfriend, I wouldn't treat her or cheat on her like that. God knows the last thing I'd want is to betray the special person who makes me feel complete.
.
.
.

But there's nothing I can do about it. Hah, a small aside: this was supposed to be short. That said, all the more reason this profile, everything related to DOTkamina, should remain hidden from almost everyone. Well, at least from those I know. I know I'm putting myself at risk. But these are things that, honestly, I can't just keep quiet about sometimes. 

I'm sorry.



21/09/26

The night is so warm when you ignore everything that awaits you, and headphones protect you from the harshness of the environment, even though using them for more than four hours is clearly a sign of significant hearing damage. It's ironic that the title is longer than the first sentence.

I am an empty.

0_null, I've written to her again. It's an old allegory.

I believe less and less that I'll ever graduate.

Even so, I'm applying for a job as a field assistant with some desert lizards. The pay is good.

It's sad to see that in the end, my only motivation is finding a job that pays as much as possible, regardless of whether I even like it.



I still like biology

but I think more as a hobby.

-

-


If I had known, I would have chosen medicine or some kind of engineering.


-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

--


-

-

-

-

-

-



A little warmth obtained until I feel empty again.

I appreciate it anyway. 

I still remember when you held my hand firmly. 

Useless memories.

16/09/26

Hemistasia phaeocysticola (Scherffel) Elbrächter, Schnepf & Balzer, 1996

Wow, I'm finding it hard to write this. I've gotten so sleepy, you know, the kind where you dream you're dreaming. I think I'll leave the writing for tomorrow. But I'll be back, I swear.

(๏ᆺ๏υ)

Well, here I am, two days later. Or is it three? I don't know. It's just a quick announcement that I've at least managed to finish the text for the final project. I hope to talk about it in another post. This post is dedicated to something that motivates me more: a new illustration of a protist.

Friendly screamer!: The illustrations are free to use under CC BY-SA 4.0, non-commercial, attribution required (DOTkamina 2026). I cannot continue without first thanking Drahomíra Faktorová, PhD, who provided me with the complete paper "Diplonemids - A Review on 'New' Flagellates on the Oceanic Block" (2022). It's a text I really needed to check out regarding peripheral lacunae, which I discuss later. Thank you very much!

This time, I was feeling pretty discouraged, so I chose the first one that came up randomly. It turned out to be Hemistasia phaeocysticola. This is an organism from the family Hemistasiidae, order Diplosonematales, class Diplosonematophyceae, superclass Diplonemia. According to Wikipedia, the order Diplonemida, in the class Diplonemea, also appear to be synonymous.

In any case, these organisms, including Hemistasia phaeocysticola, are referred to as "diplonemids." They are generally heterotrophic, biflagellate protists that prey on other protists. They primarily inhabit marine waters, but are also found in freshwater. The genus Hemistasia is, in fact, a predator: diatoms, dinoflagellates, haptophytes, and even copepods (which are no longer protists, but rather entire microscopic animals). Diplonemids appear to be very abundant in the oceans and play an important predatory role, especially Hemistasia. 

The information in the previous paragraph came from "Diplonemids" by Julius Lukeš, Olga Flegontova, and Aleš Horák (2015). They also explain a fundamental difference between diplonemids and kinetoplastids at the level of mitochondrial DNA and its transcripts. I'm not a big fan of genetics, so I'll leave the paper there for you to read yourself.

Diplonemids are the sister clade to the kinetoplastids (class Kinetoplastea), a group that includes free-living organisms (for example, eubodonids such as Bodo saltans, neobodonids such as Klosteria bodomorphis, which I have illustrated previously); as well as parasites, such as the mythical trypanosomatids (Trypanosoma, Leishmania, Phytomonas, etc.).

Diplonemea, along with Kinetoplastea, make up the subphylum Glycomonada, which is included in the phylum Euglenophyta (therefore, euglenas are distant relatives), infrakingdom Discicristata (where the sister clade to euglenophytes are the percolozoan amoebas such as the brain-eating amoeba Naegleria fowleri), clade Discoba (where discicristata are a sister group to jakobids and Tsukubamonads), domain Eukaryota. I think that's a good overview of the relational biodiversity with H. phaeocysticola.

In short, the illustrations presented here, as well as the information to describe my drawings, I have taken from the work: "Hemistasia phaeocysticola (Scherffel) comb. nov., Redescription of a Free-living, Marine, Phagotrophic Kinetoplastid Flagellate" (1996), by Malte Elbrächter, Eberhard Schnepf and Ivonne Balzer.


And now for the least fun part of writing for me: in the illustration, I've tried to represent the main cellular structures of Hemistasia phaeocysticola. You can clearly see that the design of the rostrum is inspired by Figure 7 of Elbrächter et al. (1996); I've even used some of the same abbreviated letters.

Well, the rostrum is simply the term for the extension of the anterior part of a cell, like a beak or snout, which in H. phaeocysticola has a more or less triangular shape. The rostrum is densely covered with hair-like structures (rostral hairs), 0.2 µm long. The rostrum also houses a "mouth" (the cytostome). The cytostome is described as a furrow located between the curvature of the rostrum above it (known as the "preoral crest") and a small cytoplasmic extension subapically adjacent to the cytostome (the "cytostome lip"). The cytostome connects to a cytopharynx, which is located ventrally.

Near the rostrum is the flagellar pocket, a deep invagination similar to the gullet of cryptophyte algae (some of which I have illustrated previously—explore the blog! But be discreet). From the bottom of the flagellar pocket emerge two unequal flagella, often twisted around the cell. These flagella are, in fact, axonemes (with a typical 9+2 configuration: nine microtubular doublets surrounding two central microtubular singlets) covered by a plasma membrane. Basal bodies are the part that anchors the flagella to the cell. 

As in other kinetoplastids, next to the axoneme is a cytoskeletal structure known as the "paraflagellar rod," which accompanies the axoneme of each flagellum from its base to its tip. Obviously, I was too lazy, so I only represented a portion of the paraflagellar rod and the axoneme of each flagellum, but to show that these structures run the entire length of the flagellum to the tip, I drew some little arrows lmao. Also, in my illustration, the 9+2 axoneme is represented such that the yellow lines are the doublets, and the central green lines are the singlets. Therefore, only two yellow doublets are visible in my illustration because it's assumed to be a longitudinal section, but in reality, there are nine peripheral doublets. Don't forget that detail, and if you don't understand me, well... I don't know, learn more about the 9+2 system of the axoneme; perhaps it's something I've already represented better in other illustrations.

There is a band of 6 to 7 microtubules that supports the flagellar pocket, the rostrum, the cytostome, and the cytopharynx, known as the "microtubule-reinforced band" or MTR. It begins near one of the basal bodies. The curvature of the MTR at the upper part of the rostrum is what shapes the preoral crest. There are also additional microtubules that run longitudinally alongside the MTR along the upper part of the cytopharynx, which Elbrächter et al. (1996) refer to as "microtubules of the rostrum" under the letter "M". To further complicate matters, the rostrum and cytostome (including the cytostome lip) are reinforced with rods and plates made of a homogeneous, electron-dense material. Elbrächter et al. (1996) designate them with the letter W, as "plates and rods, stiffening the rostrum." I have retained the same abbreviation, W, but used the term "rods and plates of the rostrum's stiffness."

Other notable structures include extrusomes, collectively known as the "battery," located on the dorsal side of the cell. They are cylindrical, measuring approximately 4 µm in length and 110 nm in diameter. I assume they serve the same purpose as extrusomes in other protists: to "fire" some substance that stuns, strikes, or attacks another nearby organism, either to "hunt" or "drive it away." I imagine that for H. phaeocysticola, it must serve to help it to prey, but I'm not sure about that. In Elbrächter et al. (1996) Fig. 7, only about 5 are represented, but the battery actually consists of many more, which I have tried to represent "behind" the 5 most visible ones, as lighter and more translucent vertical lines. I hope it is clear that there are many more than just 5.

Another cursed part of the organism is the so-called "spongioplasm," which is made up of "spongioplasmal vesicles." These are located on the ventral side and eventually surround the cytopharynx. What are they for? I don't know; Elbrächter et al. (1996) don't seem to explain it—you know I hate reading. In a glossary of protistological terms by Corliss and Lom (2002) (the file doesn't mention the d4mn year, but this other one does as a reference), it says that "spongioplasm" or "spongioma" is a specialized secretory cytoplasm, with a spongy appearance, and that it can be found near contractile vacuoles in ciliates and some flagellates.

Other notable stuff are the "hair vesicles." In Elbrächter et al. (1996) doesn't state it very clearly, but I assume that these vesicles with hairs (I assume, the rostrum hairs I mentioned earlier) are formed in the Golgi apparatus, where the proteins that make up those hairs are packaged into these vesicles and then go to the rostrum, transporting the hairs. There are also "microbody-like organelles," which the authors mention are "not frequent." Recall that in protists in general, microbodies are single-membrane bodies that contain enzymes for certain functions. There are several types of microbodies, but in H. phaeocysticola, it doesn't seem to be clear what type or nature of these microbody-like organelles are present.

The peripheral lacunae are actually, or at least that's what I've been able to understand from reading the works of Tashyreva et al. (2023), Tashyreva et al. (2022), and Prokopchuk et al. (2019), a single structure. It is then referred to as a "peripheral lacuna," but in micrographs this structure does not appear in its entirety due to the nature of the cell sections; it appears as elongated or globular fragments or "pieces," and these are called "peripheral lacunae" (plural). However, this actually refers to the sectioning of the organism, not to several separate structures. I infer this, of course, based on those articles that describe other species related to H. phaeocysticola, but in Elbrächter et al. (1996) this reality is not very clear (I would be afraid that it is not so... I don't think so). The peripheral lacuna is assumed to fulfill some osmoregulatory function, according to Prokopchuk et al. (2019). This is because when the organism is prepared for microscopy, the "pieces" ("peripheral lacunae") swell considerably.

In H. phaeocysticola, the "peripheral lacunae" are supposed to be present throughout the cell except at the apical region, extending through the cell center to the lower lip of the cytostome, but "they are absent in the flagellar pocket and over extrusomes" (Elbrächter et al. 1996). The authors mention that this gives the appearance of the cell being encased in a "cyst." From this, I imagine that the peripheral lacuna is not as branched as the mitochondrion, but rather a structure or "layer" beneath the plasma membrane, and its shape varies depending on its swelling. However, in the illustration, I haven't depicted it as a large structure "surrounding" the entire interior of the cell (except for the apical region) because... I'm not entirely sure that's the most accurate representation. In other sources, it's represented as a swollen band at the edges of the cross-section, and that's how I've depicted it. So, assume my illustration has a longitudinal section feel to it.

Well, discussing the peripheral lacuna has taken up quite a bit of my time and required a lot of redrawing, so I'm traumatized. Finally, let's move on to something I know better: the nucleus, which is located nearby, dorsally, and below the flagellar pocket. The nucleus has a nucleolus, and sometimes, the nucleolus is surrounded by dense, heterochromatic masses that are quite noticeable.

The mitochondrion is, in theory, a single, reticulated structure whose branches extend throughout the cell. The mitochondrion is of the polykinetoplast type. This means there are several kDNA "clusters" (kinetoplasts) dispersed throughout the mitochondrion. This might sound strange from a traditional teaching perspective, where kinetoplastids (like Trypanosoma) are taught to have only one kinetoplastid, usually near the basal bodies. This condition is called "eukinetoplastic." H. phaeocysticola is not eukinetoplastic; instead, it is "polykinetoplastic." There are many ways in which kDNA is distributed in kinetoplastid organisms. Be aware of this.

Finally, I must point out the existence of the Golgi apparatus, located between the cytopharynx, the lower part of the flagellar pocket, and the nucleus; the digestion vacuole, which is quite large and occupies a significant portion of the posterior space of the cell (it should be noted that this is temporary, as when the organism feeds and shortly thereafter, this vacuole is absent, replaced by small refractive granules); and the endoplasmatic reticulum, which is not actually mentioned at all in Elbrächter et al. (1996). I assume it is a branched structure that potentially extends throughout the cytoplasm, as occurs in other kinetoplastids, but I have not depicted it occupying the entire cell. Therefore, my representation of it is speculative.

Ȋ̶̲͌'̶̘́̓ṁ̶̡ ̵̻͐s̴͕͉͂c̵̹̈a̵̩̽r̵̼͂ͅe̶̼͖̒d̶̻͋̐ ̶̩̓͛ŗ̴̿̃í̴̡͝g̷̬̾ḧ̸̡t̸͍͝ ̸͇͋͋n̷̡̜̂̉o̷̮͗w̵̞͐̚.̶̨͋̔ ̵̟̗̿T̶̰̟̾h̸̥̑ĕ̵̢ ̴̯͋̐ș̷̯̃t̸͍̱͑͛ó̴̗͖̓ä̷̠̟́̐t̸̤̞̐͛s̷̢̟̏̕ ̵͈̝̃͊s̴̯̱͋͑ẹ̷̀̊ę̵͗m̴̲̩̽ ̵̘̩̉t̴͓̟̊ǒ̶͎̣ ̶̜̟̀͌b̸̚͜e̶̖̳͛ ̴̮̅ấ̸̹t̵̠̲̀̈t̶͕̍̀a̶̲̿c̶̢͠k̵̡͈̆i̴͉̓n̷͈̂͘ḡ̶̜͇̀.̵͉̲͛̈́

I'm glad I finally finished writing about this organism. I don't think I could have put it off any longer. It's something that makes me feel a little better. I hope to share another drawing in the future.


11/09/26

♥a♥t♥t♥e♥m♥p♥t♥ t♥o♥ k♥e♥e♥p♥ m♥o♥v♥i♥n♥g♥ f♥o♥r♥w♥a♥r♥d♥

 


Actually, this is just a filler post. 

Last night I finished a new illustration. I hope I can get back to that activity, or at least write about this illustration, which is already proving difficult to shake off my laziness/lack of motivation, so I can write it and upload it to Wikimedia. The fear of the final project hasn't gone away, but believe me, I really do have it almost finished. Not in the simple and guilt-free way I'd like, but at least it's not just an empty title and pages. Anyway, I'm not going to ramble on too much, am I? 

I always feel a certain security when I write things because, who knows, for a moment it feels like my only job is to omnisciently comment on the things that happen around me, giving the illusion that I don't have to face and run away from my problems again. 

I'd like to learn some coding or vector and 3D graphic design someday; hopefully, I'll be more resilient for it. Well, I won't waste any more time writing this post. A fresh new post with real substance awaits. 

I'm sleepy and my head feels a bit heavy, but... I'll try.




10/09/26

biology sucks just as my life decisions

I hate my final project.

I even think I hate biology. I wish I'd chosen medicine or engineering or something like that, which sounds really cool when people see you on the street and say, "Look, there goes the doctor, the engineer, or the lawyer." I never thought I'd hate my own career, and that says a lot. Screw the administration, but above all, screw me for being such a shit. This wouldn't be happening if I had more willpower.

Or whatever...



07/09/26

ɱιɳιɳҽϝαɾισυʂ ԃαɳɠҽɾ





I feel threatened again.

The stoats seem to have left.

At least for now.


I have to break down the walls again to see if there aren't any left.


It's not very reassuring, but the first radar I used to find their hiding places seemed very promising. Of course, it's not peak breeding season. So I have to keep an eye out in case there's an overpopulation.


I'll try to draw something.


You know very well that's not what you should be doing.


Give up.

It's just me. I often feel betrayed by the world. It's pointless; the world owes me nothing.


(2)1(1)_11(2)-(2)1(1)-(3)1-11(1)1's memory turns to dust.

Because life is not for the restless

But what do you do when you can't trust your family to confide in you?


𖦹 ׂ 𓈒 🥞 / ⋆ ۪𖦹 ׂ 𓈒 🥞 / ⋆ ۪𖦹 ׂ 𓈒 🥞 / ⋆ ۪𖦹 ׂ 𓈒 🥞 / ⋆ ۪𖦹 ׂ 𓈒 🥞 / ⋆ ۪


It's something I've been thinking about. It all started with a rather dark accident involving a family member, which involved a confession and the typical "we're your family, you should have told us sooner, and we were going to help you" speech. But... to what extent is that true?

I can't tell mother about my problems with the final project, about how I don't feel safe or comfortable around her, or about that. When I told her the first time I failed an exam... Ugh, I remember it clearly now. 

It was a bright afternoon. Everyone seemed to be going about their normal lives. I was already walking home from school, head down. I knew my mother's reaction to the news would be one of displeasure. I remember it was the fifth floor, creaky wooden floors, and windows with many dark, barred windows. The sun filtered through all that foliage. I was walking very slowly. I went inside. "How did your exam go, son?" First I whispered that I got an 8/10.

†

"How much?"

††

"8/10."

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††

"Ỳ̴̳̠o̷̭̎̒u̴̼̔͛'̷̱̿͗r̵̡̐̄ē̵̮̓ ̷̙͛̉n̸̨͐o̶̡̊̅t̵̖̲͆̀ ̴̟͉̊͑l̷̪̓͘ḙ̶͇͠a̷͓̩̍͘v̵̖̪̑͝í̵̫n̷͍͔̈́̋ḡ̶̘ ̷̛̖̾t̵̻̱̐͌h̶̙͕̓ĩ̷̧͇s̸̰͂ ̴̏̕͜r̶̟͋̂o̵̹͆̿ỏ̶̭̊m̴̖̅̚ ̷̧̣̚͠a̴̯͆ǧ̶͖ȧ̸͔̼i̷̱͆͜n̷̪̐ͅ ̶͉̥͗u̷͕̝̍͝n̶̦͛̊t̶͖̏ị̵̦͆̕l̴̮̆ ̷̢͈́̅y̶̢̓̓o̸͕͊́û̸̞̈́'̷̬͎͛̃v̴̜͍̓̀ẻ̵̫̝ ̶̣̅̆s̷̤͑ṱ̸̱̂ụ̷͕̎d̸͈͎̎i̸͓͝e̸̜̎̄d̵̜͊ ̴̝̿̈́ĕ̷͈̜͐v̷̼̈e̴̼̚r̶͓͉̔̃y̸̜̆̂ţ̴̦́͊h̶͎̺̒̂i̸͙̽̔ñ̵̤̞͊g̶̝̀"

°˖➴

    °˖➴

            °˖➴

                         °˖➴

                                      °˖➴

                                               °˖➴

                                                              °˖➴

                                                                                °˖➴

                                                                                             °˖➴

Although I wasn't allowed to leave the house anywhere anyway.

˙𐃷˙

⤶

⤶

⤶

⤶

⤶

⤶

I can't tell her about it.



I get discouraged very easily. I was supposed to be trying to do another drawing to pick up some of the crap I do. Everything I do is crap. Why draw protists? Nobody's interested. It's fatalistic because there were some people who were interested. The negativity in this moment is just too strong, and I'm having trouble seeing the good things in the whole situation.

I ended up aggressively scribbling on the sketch and cursing in an unintelligible language. The drawing is ruined. And I even bought a new sketchbook for a new phase, but I've only gone back a few pages to desolate spots again.


My ribs are cold. It might be the weather. But it's also because I need warmth. I want to sleep forever again. I'm not going to try to hide the seriousness of that thought with metaphors. It's what I feel, I'm sorry.



I hate when I get discouraged. I start yawning, I fall asleep in my chair, and another day lost for whatever it was I was going to do. I don't think the Protista project went to shit in the most pathetic way. Therefore, I really don't have anything left. I'm not making any progress writing any books; all the ideas seem too big for me right away. Lots of enthusiasm, little effort. Maybe the project was a bit pointless. It contributed something, but it wasn't going to give me anything to live on.

I hate this feeling. It makes me want to go to sleep, but that means mother will find out, and she might either take it well or yell at me because that means wasting time I could dedicate to the final project. And she doesn't even know that that's gone to shit too. I don't even think I'm going to get my degree. And that doesn't depend on any religion or prayer. It's sadly endearing to see mother praying loudly in church for my final project to go through, but that doesn't depend on some higher religious entity; it depends on the fact that my mood is very unstable, lost in my imagination, and eventually tired of living only to suffer.



Hey, can I tell you something crazy? I want to talk to girl M again. It must have been six months since I cut off all contact with her. I've concluded that I'm the asshole. I didn't even have the guts to tell her I liked her a little. Therefore, all my interpretations of her were wrong. There was no reason for her to see me any other way. Anyway, seeing how pathetic I am, I'm not really worth it. But the crazy thing is, I feel like sending her a reel without context and... wait, what? Salvation?


What about (2)1(1)_11(2)-(2)1(1)-(3)1-11(1)1? It doesn't matter anymore. She became a wall to talk to, so I don't even speak to her anymore. I don't even know how I ever gave so much importance to someone who, despite making me feel seen and understood, then treated me worse than everyone else, like an NPC to be ignored for weeks. The dreaded ghosting—I understand not wanting to react for a day or two. But...


But I don't have the energy or the right to say more.



I think tomorrow will be one of the worst days of my life. I'm afraid of tomorrow, specifically the morning of that moment. It could weigh heavily on me, it depends. Mother is giving me a threatening look; I feel nervous. I stare at the computer. I want my own room. But that's impossible. I don't want to open my Wikimedia Commons; it reminds me of the little glory I thought I had. The air is threatening. I can't take it anymore. Shame—shame is what I should feel! I'm the ultimate failure and the ultimate fraud! Who the hell cares anymore what expectations I might have created when I was a kid? There are thousands better than me, what I do is irrelevant, and there will be no one left when I fall more than once! So what's the big goal?



Hey, what do you think? Should I send her something by accident? Why do I want to do that? Do I still want to find that absolute trust in someone?


I think I miss the freedom I had with dad. But it's a fact that he also asked about how I was going to finish my degree, about the master's programs I should pursue. That makes me feel stupid because, damn, at this age many have already achieved more. I'm still just a kept man, and that's part of the problem. Independence? I long for it, but I know it's not easy, and that already tires my mind. I'd say it tires me because I'm more of a creative person, but the truth is I'm not someone who spends all their time drawing; at most, I always watch anime. So I'm useless.





Hmmm, what else can I say?


I slouch a lot when I'm discouraged.


I still get cold in my ribs. Ah, that feeling that I should be doing more. Much more. I'm sorry, Dad.


I'm sorry, I'm sorry dad has to deal with someone like that. I... you don't deserve a son like me, you deserve someone more normal and capable. Someone you can truly call "yes, that's my son."

(っ- ‸ - ς)



01/09/26

̷D̷̷e̷̷f̷̷e̷a̷̷t̷̷e̷̷d̷ ̷b̷̷y̷ ̷t̷̷h̷̷e̷ ̷s̷̷y̷̷s̷̷t̷̷e̷̷m̷?

Although I try to cope by writing something about biodiversity or attempting a new illustration, it seems pointless.


I'll start working on my final project. I used to neglect it, but now, even if it's just once a week, I dedicate time to writing more of it. I'm almost finished. There's not much point in it, nor much motivation to solve any critical problems. And I don't have anyone's support (I don't think such a bleak, not to mention simplistic, piece of work deserves support).

Even so, writing even just one more paragraph gives me a little peace. Why? Because in the end, I succumbed to the "system." It sounds romantic to say "I let myself be defeated by the system," but thinking about it, there has always been a system, and it's not that I can't escape it, it's simply that I can't survive outside of it. I would need a lot of resources, along with better skills and psychoplasticity, to break free from the system, if you can put it that way.


The final project is the mandatory key and the final requirement for obtaining my degree in biology. Nothing else will give me that, not even illustrations. It's sad to say it like this, but it's the truth. It's kind of devastating. But my health isn't great, and next week I'll be able to find out if there's something else eating away at me because of that bad decision.

If the worst happens, and on top of that, because of the stupidest and weakest decision, then I have even more reason to secure a livelihood based on my career, one that provides me with enough income to survive.

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"I wish it were as simple, straightforward, and idyllic as in rom-coms."


The 2-banme anime still seems to me like a representation of how I would have wanted things to happen to me. It sounds really corny, but... yes. In the simplest terms, I don't think the whole divorced parents thing would have improved my already shattered psyche.


I feel more unholy the more I watch the series.


I'm going to start working on the final project now. I have no other choice. Besides, despite everything, I still feel abandoned. But it's a reality I have to endure and try not to abandon myself.





Actually, I already did a long time ago. Otherwise, I wouldn't even be wondering when and how to write the next paragraph of the final project, two years after starting it. It's a huge sign of irresponsibility.