𝚃𝚛𝚢𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚘 𝚜𝚝𝚘𝚙 𝚜𝚊𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑𝚝𝚜

Heh.

It's been a while, hasn't it?

(ദ്ദി˙ᗜ˙)

I don't know if anyone actually checks these posts. I assume not, judging by the views they get. On one hand, I'm glad that's the case because I don't know if I'll really be ready for the criticism and potential memes or jokes, which are bound to happen. I even participate in the jokes myself on Instagram.

Haha...

૮₍´˶• . • ⑅ ₎ა

૮₍´˶• . • ⑅ ₎ა

૮₍´˶• . • ⑅ ₎ა

(ㅇㅅㅇ)

⊂(◉‿◉)つ

(♥‿♥)

╭(╭⊚‿⊚╮)╮

:00000  (˶˃ ᵕ ˂˶)

so fucking yay

⸜(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝♡

(⸝⸝๑  ̫ ๑⸝⸝⸝)

(⸝⸝⸝-﹏-⸝⸝⸝)

✧(⸝⸝⸝ᵒ̴̶̷ ｡ ᵒ̴̶̷⸝⸝⸝)

✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧

This anime has definitely become one of my favorites. In fact, before I continue writing, I'm going to post my review on MyAnimeList. Well, I'm back. I'll leave some images here, but I have to say I really liked the plot, much more than I expected. The divorce subplot might be a heavy or even annoying thing to consider, but for me it's important because... it's precisely about how to cope with family problems. Arguments. My mother is yelling at me right now, so it's difficult for me to write this. That's why I consider it important. The ending was also very beautiful. The episode's ending. It's a small escape from reality, well, at least from my reality. Mother's screams sound more and more like noise or vibrations in my head; it's a strange feeling. They sound threatening and make me want to run to my room and cry for a while. Then I remember I don't have a room and that I just have to keep going and pretend everything is okay. And in the end, I think that's what my life is all about, as it always has been. When something was stolen from me at school, or something was broken, well, that's when I cried because I knew I was in for a beating from my mother. It continued in later stages, with me staying quiet and putting up with it. Putting it up with it until I suppose I couldn't anymore.

The end of the episode was simply beautiful, how they finally establish a relationship, accept the problems that might eventually arise, and underlyingly accept that they will try to solve them together. Why has humankind evolved to such an extent that it's so necessary to feel accompanied in life? I could break down that answer well as a student of Evolutionary Biology. But I don't feel like doing it right now, and maybe never will.

It's a good time to say that I finally took my computer home (to my mother's; I don't have my own place, obviously). It was with some technicians for a couple of days, and they left it just as damaged. The problem now seems to be the video card, well, the video connections to the screen, or whatever that's called. I don't even deserve a new device. What I do is wait for it to turn on so I can work on parts of my Final Project as best I can, and when it doesn't, I play Brawl Stars or make some progress on my illustrations.

I don't deserve a new computer; I've always been useless. Even now, I'm wasting time watching my favorite anime and playing Roblox. And writing this post. It's fine! It can't be fixed right away. Tomorrow, I'm supposed to go to my internship at the Museum, but I don't even feel like it. My mom keeps saying, "It's time to start saving for the bus fare," which isn't cheap since I live far away. I have to emphasize that, why? To justify my lack of motivation, and also because, even though it bothers me, it's true... and generally, I think I'm going to drop out. Clearing my head somewhere else is expensive. And uncomfortable; the buses are cramped, and having to deal with other people staring is annoying too. My pants don't fit me as well as I'd like.

I don't like staying home and being constantly under my mother's thumb, enjoying the good times with her when I know that if something goes wrong, the atmosphere completely changes and the negativity returns. In fact, it just happened again, something with my damn braces (and let me tell you, if I'm being completely honest, I would have preferred to invest that money I've already spent on therapy and a makeover, rather than on teeth that I don't even think make me smile properly, although they do seem straighter).

The negativity I feel right now is enough to make me want to go to the orthodontist and tell him, "I won't have time because of my studies. I'm sorry."

But I'll try to hold out a little longer until I finish writing everything here.

Anyway, what I was getting at is: I don't really like the museum because it's obvious those jars with large animals contain a lot of formaldehyde. The curator says it's just alcohol and that it's fine, so much so that he actually believes it himself and handles the specimens with his bare hands. I also think he thinks I was born yesterday; that stuff obviously has formaldehyde or something in it. The smell is distinctly that of regular ethanol, the atmosphere is heavy for someone who isn't always there, and it irritates me. These reasons are also a burden for me to want to leave, and... why did I go in the first place?

Well, one reason was to find a good excuse to escape the house for a while. But it's certainly not giving me much peace, because the issue of the cost of lunches and such came up. I've actually been thinking that I could just keep going, but cut back on the lunches and save that money for some future treat, like an escort. Because, to be honest, I don't think I'll ever be able to find someone special or someone who's a good match for me. "If I improve, yes," but I still see that as a long way off (unattainable).

Another reason I went into that museum was to see if I could find that special someone, but it's not going to happen. It's a pretty lame goal, so the result is going to be lame too. A student intern from a nearby university recently started there, so I immediately began a conversation with her until the topic of relationships came up, and she has a boyfriend. So, that's it. I simply limited myself to greetings or talking if she initiated it, during the internship. I'm not going to make the same mistake as with () of ultimately wanting to simulate what it would be like to have a girlfriend who fits in, or worse, of groveling for attention like I did with girl M. Looking back, that was truly pathetic; it must have been bad even for her. I was just looking for a partner, and that was clearly a forced interaction where she only saw me as a casual companion.

So what I'm trying to do is keep shifting my focus away from people, especially couples, and try to reach at least my goal of 100 protist illustrations, as much as I can. Should I keep going to the museum? I don't know. If I want to keep getting those free lunches, I could go to the library and spend my time there, saving up for lunches. Although I don't know if I'll be able to make it through a whole day until the afternoon, pretending I'm actually going to the museum. That's partly why I don't want to leave the museum, and also because "I could get a volunteer certificate that would look good on my poor old CV."

Hmmm... maybe I'll stick around at that museum this week, so my departure isn't so abrupt. I definitely won't go tomorrow, because I promised an acquaintance I'd help him identify some aquatic insects.

I'll see how I can structure my time and my demons.

And long live the melancholic music of the last century.

( ´ ▽ ` )b