The deadline is dying (◑_◑)

 "Hey... didn't you have your final project meeting this week?"

Just end it all

And how do I answer that question to my mom, admitting that I'm actually avoiding it again for whatever serious reasons you can think of? Officially, I'm trying to write more text and get the project more or less finished, not "ugh, it's still not finished?", and I'm hoping to have it done by next week. But it's exhausting when, at family parties for birthdays or religious celebrations, my mom says, "Yes, I hope he finishes that project already," because it's the ultimate life goal, right? 

Well, I don't see it that way. It's more like an obligation I can't skip if I want to get my degree, which I think is what's really draining me. And I can't really say, "I'm hardly doing anything, actually." When you (my mom) see me researching or writing until late at night, I'm actually doing research on the protists I'm drawing, on the speciation book that I think will never see the light of day, or something else entirely, except for that final project. 

I feel mortified. Yesterday I made a few paragraphs, and as on other occasions, completely forcing myself, it doesn't feel good at all. I don't see any direction, nor a good ending. I keep creating illustrations or something else, thinking, hoping that if the worst-case scenario happens, it will be enough to tell myself, "At least I didn't waste so much time." Well, I hope so.

Hey, I wish I could go to sleep, take a nap for a while. I feel like I need it more than usual. But my mother is watching me. I have to try to rest while I'm in front of the computer and then muster some effort, because this is a rare occasion when it's on.

And in fact, I'm going now, because I'm already writing just for avoid time. Building phantom echoes for my future self? Heh, what a good joke.