To musi być teraz!

How am I feeling today? Weird, I guess.

I know I should be working on that final project. I don't know if having a meeting about it in a few days will actually help. It'll give me a sense of "not neglecting it," when deep down, I know that's not true. But I'll see if, after this monologue to the void, I actually get around to doing something about it, because I can't go on without making any progress.

I also feel weird because... I don't know, also because I'm not accomplishing much on my own. The idea of ​​a good job seems distant. And honestly, I don't really like the prospect of a future with physically demanding work that doesn't satisfy me or offer any chance of connecting with a girl. Why am I even thinking about finding a partner? That's surprising, considering I'm quite individualistic, or a social loner, since I don't like parties or anything like that. 

I don't think I've mentioned how awful it was to be in the coastal nightclubs, during a marine mammal research trip, when I saw my crush at the time being seduced by someone else, seemingly more capable. Actually, he was more capable; he was literally a zoologist with the organization. I won't delve further into whether it was right or wrong for him to try and flirt with a student—well, I guess not, since we're all adults.

Which is brutal. Is it normal to take so long with your studies when you're dangerously close to 30? I'm still relatively far from that age, but I am nearing 25. At least the only thing I have left to finish is my final project. I'm sure if you look at previous posts you can find psychological reasons and more context about why I'm putting it off so much. 

...

And it sucks because it must be some kind of procrastination or aggressive lack of focus because I know I HAVE TO finish it, but I'm INCAPABLE of putting it on, you know? It makes me feel like a failure.

yeah this image looks like a shitpost meme fot his situation but genuinely this is lowkey me rn

Yes... I think I'll actually get started on that final project right now. Writing... well, not writing anymore because I somehow managed to finish the "skeleton" of the entire text, but I have to do something because I can't go on like this. I've been putting it off too much this week, and the worst part is that I've even been putting off illustration number 30, because new information came up while I was writing about it (it's of Giardia lamblia, intestinalis or duodenalis) and I had to redraw everything. 

And now I've also noticed other errors, less serious but still worth correcting to avoid misinformation since it's going to be on Wikimedia. Yes, it's a bit of a relief that I don't have more pressure on this illustration because it's my own project and I set my own deadlines. I suppose I'm the cause of my own stress, or worry, about not being able to finish illustration 30. But it has to be as accurate as possible in terms of the representation of organelles.

i'm not feeling tuff today

That's what I was planning to do this morning, but now that the topic of the final project has come out of my closet, I think I'd better get on with it because otherwise the guilt will just keep growing, and I want to be close to finishing it. It's already pretty awful thinking that I'll eventually have to request publication permission from the coordinator who gave me access to the samples for that final project, with whom I ended things on bad terms because I didn't manage to finish the final project in their ideal timeframe (4 months), and that it was a good thing I was going to give the opportunity to someone more interested. At this point, I've lost any higher motivation stemming from the final project (like the idea of ​​it becoming a scientific article) because it's a fact that the important thing is to get a job, and I don't have many doors open to me. My fault, of course.

The anxiety has gripped me again, 

so I was planning to continue with that Giardia illustration this afternoon, 

but unfortunately, 

and for my own good, 

it will have to wait. 

...

Not until I finish that text properly. I have to make it as good as possible so that it at least looks decent for the external coordinator. I know she might even throw up because the final project text is absolute garbage. I was also going to talk about girl M's brief return, but that'll have to wait for another post, if I remember. I'm going to work on the final project right now, otherwise I'll die of worry.