Well, well, well, huh? Episode 6 of Class de 2-banme ni Kawaii Onnanoko to Tomodachi ni Natta has left me intrigued about how the plot will develop now that the protagonist Maki's father has appeared. Daddy issues, daddy issues!
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It's been a while, hasn't it?
γΎ( ^^γ)
Hi, lol.
I've always been bad at greeting people and starting conversations, even if I'm talking to air. The reason for this post is to say that everything is... "okay," you could say. I don't know if I should describe myself as being in a state of redemption, passivity, or surrender. I say this because I know that very important things (with negative processes and consequences) are happening in the background.
I suppose it's a combination of everything. But I must also say that other things have improved. Well, at least, I can say that my relationship with my mother is improving. I've learned to listen to her and basically not just see the negative side of her interactions or the way she tries to influence me. She's a human being, and at this point, it doesn't matter how she did things or what she should have done. She's sick, and it's not the time to keep complaining. The least I can do is lessen her suffering because I'm worried it will get worse in the future.
This has also meant less friction with her at home. I don't know if it's because I've been taking care of her since her surgery, so I've somehow taken on a more "useful" role at home, or if it's simply because I've tried not to comment on or question any of her decisions or "micro-injustices" towards me, and just let it go to avoid stress. Keeping the cortisol down, as the meme goes.
My computer has continued to malfunction. I don't think I've mentioned this, or maybe I have in another post, but if not, I'll give you some context: they detected physical damage to the graphics card due to overheating. And well, apparently, that's been a real pain to fix. Not to mention impossible, since it's a part that can't be replaced in laptops, and I'd have to get another one.
Logically, with my own health issues, my parents' health problems, and other problems related to finding a way to make ends meet (business), and the fact that I've been terrible with the final project and I'm not even the genius who just needs a shot in the arm... well, I've come to the conclusion that it's not worth it (well, I don't deserve it) to buy a new computer. As it is, I'll just keep going downhill.
That brings me to the final project.
Progress? Minimal.
But at least I managed to finish the measurements I had pending and use some R Studio to create an interesting graph that isn't just text. That's made me feel like I haven't completely abandoned the final project. My problem with it now is that I sent a letter regarding project execution permissions (sampling ethics, that sort of thing), and the maximum response time was supposed to be two weeks. It's been 18 days and all I've received is spam from strangers inviting me to dubious influencer courses.
................................ So tomorrow, I'm going to the registrar's office at my university, feeling incredibly anxious, to ask what's going on. But my final project topic isn't well-received at the university, I think, because of its small sample size, its descriptive nature, and the fact that I'm basically not contributing anything worthwhile. Honestly, I chose this topic because it didn't require long (and expensive) trips or lengthy permits, but unfortunately, the "stopping factor" is precisely that it's not seen as a groundbreaking topic "that will change the country's perspective."
I don't know, I'm going with the fear, and perhaps also the expectation, that they'll tell me anything and everything regarding those permits. From "Oh, we didn't receive it, maybe you sent it in the wrong format" to "Yes, we received it, but the topic is so bland and trivial that we decided to ignore it. Send all the letters... and maybe we'll help you." Which would be the end of it, because then my topic has no future. And it's too late to look for another topic. If I do, I'd have to bet on graduating at least in 2028. Hell no!
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I don't know, honestly.
I don't see much of a future for myself. I'm dealing with that, and also with finishing some books I've tried to write (more like compilations of information; I've concluded I'm terrible at writing original things). I've seen that they're long projects, so I don't know if any of those books will ever see the light of day.
Because of all this, I've also put my illustrations on hold for a bit. I have part of the draft for illustration 21; I had it all ready at the beginning of the month. But I guess I got mentally exhausted—I mean, I had a mini-collapse and managed to escape it—because illustration 21 is complex, and I don't quite remember how I managed the information to make that drawing. But the Protista Project is currently the most solid thing I've done as DOTkamina, so I'm working on getting motivated to continue it and not let it become just another dead project.
Sometimes I do wish my life were simpler. Financial stability, so I could have a style of worry more like the characters in a rom-com where the biggest concern is whether that girl likes you or not. Well, I do have that worry... a deeper, more painful one. But with all the context I've mentioned, it's buried under more urgent priorities. All this while I'm out on the street looking for rare medicines, while I see people my age with partners or friends, enjoying life to the fullest. And then I feel like I've aged too much and that maybe my best time (of carefree days and untouched dreams) is already over.
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If it happens that I become just another lifeless NPC in society, at least I'd like to make some more progress on my illustrations (which, as I said, are the most solid thing I've built). The more I have done, the less I'll feel like "I should have done more while I could, instead of overthinking."
I guess that's all I wanted to say.
Wish me luck tomorrow in my search for answers at the Secretary's office.
If the situation becomes truly impossible or unfavorable, perhaps I'll write another post addressing the emptiness of the digital world.
....... Which, ironically, is my second home.
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