DOTkamina's Secret Hide: I Wish it Would Rain Down

A gentle night of aggressive rain.

My computer just got back from repairs.

The graphics card almost exploded from the heat.

I don't have the means to afford another computer or any repairs.

So I just have to endure it as long as I can.

Keep creating.

(´°̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥ω°̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥｀)

S̴h̴e̶ ̸p̶r̴o̸b̵a̴b̵l̷y̷ ̴w̴o̴u̴l̸d̷n̸'̷t̸ ̷h̷a̵v̵e̷ ̷c̶a̸r̸e̴d̵.̶

Phil Collins' music is good right now.

It's an eerie moment.

I have so many important things to do.

But I still continue with what I love to do.

Drawing organisms.

At least for now, in the present of this post.

While I remember the times I wrote to her hoping for some reaction, a laughing emoji after ages without a reply.

How can she be with such toxic people, and pretend not to notice?

I don't think I've mentioned it in another post, but yes, I cut off all communication with girl M. Literally. It's been almost a month since I've heard from her. I don't even know what's become of her. I assume that if I had continued forcing the interaction, I would still be stuck wondering what I should write to get her attention. I suppose. If I told her what happened to my computer, a slight "hahaha" and nothing more. No interest.

Sometimes I presume that I've proven she really didn't care because since I stopped writing to her, she hasn't said a single word. But that's actually because I had blocked her. Any message she might have sent, well, I simply didn't receive it. I hope it was some message offering help with something, as it always has been.

I'm not going to repeat the same old shit about it being that and not an effort to evolve the interaction into something more, because in reality, I was just deluding myself, thinking there was something more, being the one bothering her by sending memes, asking how her day was, and so on, with the attempt... no, with the certainty, that she neither cared about it, nor gained anything from it, and that it actually annoyed her.

It's stopped raining. Now everything is silent. "Phil Collins - I Wish It Would Rain Down" plays loudly as those memories continue to fade, blurring into artificial recollections where everything was better and worked.

I have a lot of work to do.

My university just threatened me, saying I have to submit one last course performance report, or I'll face some unknown sanction.

On top of that, I need to make some progress on my final year project, which I'm already fed up with not making any damn progress on. And pretending it's all the university's fault, because the truth is, those bastards have thrown all sorts of obstacles in my way, from methodological ones to questioning the stupid topic I chose—I don't want to talk about it. Because I haven't done anything wrong, and I'm not doing anything wrong now.

"Yes, yes, I am a responsible, diligent, and committed person" is a typical empty resume line, or rather, the typical empty line on my resumes to say that I'll basically sell myself for a few bucks. When in reality I don't fit those descriptions. The director of the museum where the samples I analyze are housed got incredibly angry because I wasn't making significant progress on the final project.

It's an interesting contrast, you know? One day I said to myself: I think I've finally found my true calling: protists. You know. Reading about them so I can draw them, which isn't easy, I invest many hours reading in depth (or more or less in depth) articles and other sources that explain aspects of cellular microanatomy to see how to represent a structure. And I'm not going to get paid for it! No money, of course. I do it all so that it's free, open access, and trusting that people will mention my name as the author, and avoid being forgotten.

It's a contrast, when I genuinely love something and put my heart into it. And then there's my project, which has me completely exhausted. I don't feel like finishing it; I just want it to magically write itself, for the pain of presenting in front of the jury to be over, for me to get my degree, and say: I did it, just like that.

ლ(⋋·⋌)ლ

Besides that, I have to make some serious corrections to the illustration of Dolichomastix tenuilepis because I'm a total crap and I've forgotten to properly read the spatial orientations and I've drawn a lot of things backward. I MUST fix that.

Additionally, I have to finish a drawing of a kinetoplastid organism. It's one of the ones I'm most proud of because it was from an article I didn't want to read at all, but I told myself, "Screw it. Let's do it." And I'm almost finished because I discovered some things that could improve the drawing's accuracy.

Aaaah... drawings.

I remember when girl M asked me what I was doing. "I draw... I draw the structures of microorganisms." And what did I expect? I don't know. I wasn't asking her to be a genius and complement me. But I did expect appreciation, understanding, tenderness. That I was being observed. Like an anime couple where the protagonist's crush is interested in the manga he reads in the purest way possible, simply because he's him and he's great. And because he's good and takes care of her and attends to her quirks.

It also reminds me of the first time someone was interested in one of my drawings, a crush from a bygone era, girl P. But that's a story for another post that I probably won't write.

Do you know what I have received? The Graphic Designer Barnstar!!!!

＼(｀0´)／

/╲/\〳 ᴼᴼ ౪ ᴼᴼ 〵/\╱\

I consider it one of the most prestigious recognitions a user can receive in the Wikipedia ecosystem. It's something I've dreamed about quite a few times, especially when looking at other users' profiles and seeing their Barnstars. "Wow, those people are truly amazing and they do something that matters." And I can... now I can think about it, think that I too am part of that exclusive social group. And it's wonderful! It might sound lame, but I didn't expect to get that barnstar status with so little effort.

And that's why I must continue.

One more illustration.

Little by little.

Until I burn out, until something stops me in my tracks.

σ( ' ┰￣)