Am i a f41l?

Am I a failure?

I think so.

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This is officially my second-to-last week at university. I'm lying, actually, because next week there are still "classes," if you can even call them that, because the professors are just going to give crappy lectures that nobody listens to except those who go there out of obligation or to look good even if they don't really want to. Contracts, contracts, haha.

This day was... pure shit. 

6 7 !

There's not much to say about it. My mother is doing a little better, and honestly, that's good. Because I'm getting fed up. My mom has been constantly monitoring and criticizing everything I do. I try my best, or rather, I used to try my best, because... I'm abandoned. I have no one else. Who else does the laundry? Who else dusts? Who else sweeps the rooms? Who else takes care of the soil? Who else cooks so we can eat and survive another day?

I'm not asking for the highest praise because, obviously, what I do is, in general, shit. But I would like constructive support. Not the same destructive kind that reminds me of my childhood, when making a mistake meant my mother's absolute hatred for, hopefully, the rest of the day. If not, the whole week. Now I feel pressured. I don't feel at home anymore. My home is when I'm alone and she's asleep. And that's when I take the opportunity to see if I can wallow in self-pity. I only managed to cry one night.

This day was filled with more intense criticism. She criticized my lack of strength because, you know, in real life I'm a very overweight guy and a wimp who, despite all the fat, doesn't seem to have invested any muscle, that my limbs are shit. Many people tell me that, that my hands look like a woman's. In general, I see myself as an anomaly, and that makes me secretly insecure. They also often make jokes that maybe I should look better for a transvestite or a gay . Like: shit, I'm not into that. I want a classic woman. A beauty if possible of course, but above all, a woman with a good character. Not that she has to save me from everything, but she could at least be understanding. To grow morally together and face the world with courage.

But I get the impression that I don't deserve that, not even her company.

Today I felt that M was more hostile than usual. Yesterday and another day before that, when we were out, I was experimenting with being closer to her because I'm attracted to her confidence and freedom. And it seemed like she was responding, because she responded with playful touches. Moments when I felt reciprocated. But today she was more hostile; I sensed an aura that said n̸̡̢̢̳͔̭͕͍̜̜̲̩̤̠̦̻̩̺̖̼͖͍̜̙̭̮̆͑̓̀͊̐͌̒̔͗͜͠͝ͅõ̵̡̹̞͔͍͙͍͍̙̫̖̰̖͉͎̠̏̈̉͑̒̊̄̄̈́͑́̓̚͘͜, that I shouldn't get any closer. For me, it feels like a sign of a complete isolation. It hurted more before. But now I don't know, I feel deep down that it was bound to happen.

She likes men who are presumably handsome. That's already a huge disadvantage. The next step is having status and being self-assured, constantly pursuing her, showing her interest. And well, I've tried that, but I feel like when I try to show that I care, she looks at me with eyes that say, "Huh? What are you trying to do? I don't need you."

The big conclusion is that... I've simply been playing at having alternatives. At having a chance at friendships, at finding love, at resolving my family issues, my shyness, and improving myself socially. Now everyone's talking about what they'll do in the future. But either I'm the most listless person ever, or my reality looks so bleak that I don't even think about the future, I don't think about a happy future.

I have no refuge. I thought I had people I could call "friends," but I doubt it. I feel more like the guy people can ask to do their homework or whatever they need. It's only then that I manage to be heard and included. But what if I wasn't even mentally clear-headed?

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"You're... weird." That's what girl M told me. She also told me I'm good for nothing. I hope she was joking; I've always been bad at telling if something's a joke or a real attack. Like... sure, because helping you finish your monograph is synonymous with me being good for nothing.

But yes. I'm a residual. If I'm not great, not a genius, and this is true, then I'm just weird. Weird in that I don't interact, so it's not even worth being around me. By extension, I also don't have the soulmate I thought could complete me.

I'm lying; I did know she couldn't complement me. Because of her whole past, experiences, and way of seeing life. I was simply clinging to the idea of ​​not being alone, of "changing her." I don't know what I was thinking, what I'm thinking now. But when she has another goal, and we go together but she gets ahead as if I don't exist, I feel like just going somewhere else and sinking alone. Because we're nothing, yet I still feel like I'm being dragged along.

There will be nothing more after this semester ends. No love, no friends, no opportunities. No secure family. The criticism at home will now be 24/7 because I'll be home all day, trying to avoid the fact that my final project is unfeasible. A notification just arrived, and even though I always say I'm constantly strengthening myself, I actually feel an electric shock in my heart. Could it be her?

Hey, it was her! Even though it was in the group chat.

Hey, I still have...

After all...

Some hope...

.................................................................... No. 

There's no room for hope. Not for her. No, for anyone. 

I'm just another NPC. 

As this period ends, there will be no more reason to keep writing to her. Or replying. I won't deny what I felt. When I sat near her and she wasn't bothered. I felt warmth. Even if it was something she gave to just about anyone, so there was another level of warmth she only gave to those she truly liked. Even if it was fake, fleeting, or something that only lasted for that moment because there was simply no one else interesting.

I don't feel the energy to write. I don't have the energy to draw anymore. I've failed myself again. What I want is a normal life where I feel content with myself, with friends, family, and a girlfriend I can trust and feel fulfilled. In the end, everything I've done has been to fill the void of not being heard. And look at that. I haven't even managed it online. I do appreciate, however, the few comments that my work (artistic; my writing is crap) is good.

Even so. I feel that the truth of human presence is still missing. I am an individual of a social species; it's biological that I don't like being alone. But I can't help it. I don't have any realistic job opportunities. So, am I just stuck at home, taking care of my mother while she attacks and emotionally destroys me, and accepting that "it's better than a toxic, attention-seeking relationship"?

Probably so.

Tired

 

Just tired.

Thinking about things that make me sad.

This place feels welcoming.

I wish it were real.

So...

Yes... I also feel rejected.

I'm not feeling particularly well today.

I feel exhausted, perhaps overwhelmed, though not in a heavy or clouding way. I simply feel lost.

Tomorrow I think I'll go buy some chips. I had told girl M that I could walk her to work, but I think she turned me down because she changed the subject. No. I don't think things should work this way.

I'll try to do something. Because I feel defeated.

I don't feel much, because I'm sad.

That's the most fitting adjective.

Sad.

I don't really like the idea. But I'm mentally preparing myself for a solitary life. I know older people around me with that kind of life. Not glorious, not even financially. Ordinary people, with substandard lives, sometimes subsisting on whatever they can get, who go to the nearest lunch spot alone. With no one to share with. With no one to simply hang out with and rest my head on for a while.

You know? Sometimes I wish I could be reborn. I wish isekai were real. Although it would be amazing to be reborn in a fantasy world where you have absolute power, I also think about a second chance. To relive this life, with everything I know. And do it better. To venture into more things. To stay in normality.

Will I even be able to complete any more projects? 

I don't think so. By the time I finish my degree, I'll already be focused on real life, on finishing my final project. 

There won't be any more reasons to be with M or hang out with my classmates. 

I'll definitely have to dedicate myself to something, and then I'll be exhausted and won't be able to create anything.

🄰 🅂🅃🄰🄽🄳🄰🅁🄳 🄳🄰🅈

It was a day.

It was bad in many ways.

But a day nonetheless.

It made me realize that my path will be mostly solitary. I haven't been surrounded by ideal people to whom I can confide my secrets and insights; I almost made the mistake of telling them about DOTkamina.

Which brings me back to games! Of course, I don't have as much time now; I've lost a lot of free time. But it's good to remember the good times that seemed endless.

（>﹏<）

In fact, what else can I reflect on in this post? It's one of the first I've written in a long time, and I feel it might be important for anyone who happens to read it; maybe someone will even relate.

I'll start by saying that I have to write the second draft of a monograph today. But I'm incredibly lazy about it because, well, I don't know. Desolation. Extinction. Fermentation. That's what brings me to the second point: feeling used, again. As usual!

I don't know why people tend to trust me so much. It's something I tried to change when I started university. I didn't want to be the "class brain" who people only knew and saw for that reason. I wanted to transcend, to feel genuine friendship, even to find love. As you can see, it was impossible.

The last thing I was talking about with girl M was basically helping her with the second draft of her monograph. It shouldn't be complicated, but I still feel like it's overly complicated because of the number of guidelines the instructor included in the writing, which has made it especially stressful in terms of "putting it off." Girl M was talking to me about quite a few things, but looking at the bigger picture, it all boils down to the same thing. It's just a conversation where she basically extracts all the help I can offer. I'm not sure if I get the same result when I do the opposite. Because when that happens, her answers are shorter, vaguer, or curt; they don't offer the same level of solution as what I'm trying to provide.

And this is where the paranoia comes in. Should it be... like this? If I didn't have a clue what to do, what should the conversation be like? Should it really be very basic? Or should it actually involve more frequent personal or emotional conversations, ones that don't constantly revolve around whether I know something or not, or how I could improve something or not? I'd like a normal chat that generally makes me feel like a human being, not a machine.

A faulty machine, of course. Because the truth is, I'm not exactly a genius either. And that's the big scam of my self-inclusion plan. Not only did I fail to become just another student, but I also lost much of the intelligence that supposedly characterized me before (I don't really think it was real), but somehow, I'm still a kind of "extinct" reference point. I don't like that much. Why should I know the answer to everything? Because the most frequent topic of conversation with me is precisely whether I know how to do something, and so on, and then steering the conversation toward solving it or directly doing part or all of the homework?

I have doubts too. I also have little desire to do X assignment, X project, X monograph, or X presentation. I also want to complain that it's a load of crap and would like to ask someone for help, then I realize that I seem like some kind of "expert" because "I know perfectly well how to do it," but my own reluctance to do something I'm forced to do destroys me, and in the end, I do it "as best I can." Asking for help, but for what exactly? For not being alone in something? For feeling accompanied and guided, I suppose. Because otherwise, when they use me to see how it's done, to have me explain the whole protocol or the solution, I feel like a machine judged only by its problem-solving ability. Watched, essentially.

Then, in person, I'm still not good at developing other topics of conversation. I'm only capable of listening. And I don't know what to say. Then there's the other big factor: I'm simply boring, and I really don't have anything else to contribute. The consequences? Well, when I'm not efficient, when I'm slow because I genuinely don't know how to do something or I get stuck, I only feel hostility. That's what I felt today. Hostility. I don't feel empathy. I don't feel compassion, or a sense of "okay, we're all screwed in this together. Let's just go eat our dust." No. What I feel is more like an aura of "I expected you to be able to handle this. The problem is all yours, it's your fault, and today's class is ruined because you're just standing here doing nothing." Why? Don't I have anything else to contribute?

Sometimes I try not to think that way and tell myself I'm just overreacting, that human behavior is like that, and that I'm just overthinking because, who knows why, am I very sensitive? Am I autistic or something? Or have I simply repressed my emotions so much that I'm now unable to identify what should be normal?

Anyway, my lament for today is that I feel used. Girl M was silent the rest of the day. I'm truly sorry I wasn't helpful in any way, absolutely NOTHING. Today's digital practice involved using PAST to construct phylogenetic trees.

Anyway, my complaint today is that I feel used. Girl M was silent the rest of the day. I really regret not being of any help whatsoever, not even a little. Today's digital lab involved using R Studio to build phylogenetic trees. Of course, the professor was late. His explanation was rubbish as usual, so I didn't understand a thing. Then, since neither she nor I have a computer, we had to use one in the computer lab, which is incredibly slow and has a password from some Middle Eastern country that didn't allow us to install the required program without administrator privileges. I couldn't do anything except try not to swear too much, so as not to stress myself out, because I don't like to make a scene. Girl M was annoyed, I think. Disappointed, you could say. I'm no good at making things interesting. I'll get to the point: can it be done? Fine, but at my own pace, since I'm a slow learner. Can't it be done? I try to find alternatives, otherwise I give up, unless I can get help from someone else, but I feel like that makes me look even more pathetic because then, why be with me if they could have chosen someone more capable from the start? That should give you an idea of ​​how I felt.

Useless.

(｡･･｡)

A small update. Girl M wrote to me again. Once more, about the monograph. Should I leave her on read? Insult her? No, please no. We're not monsters here either. If I have anything left, it's empathy, I suppose. Also, a bit of pseudo-ego, like "haha, I possess the knowledge," even though it leaves me empty afterward. My response: "thanks," silence. In another context, I would have told her that I also have no idea how to correct the typos the instructor put in my monograph. Just so I wouldn't feel completely alone. 

But it wouldn't have worked; she would have replied with something shorter, a "damn" or a "what a shame." Yes, I understand that if she's asking me how to correct her own monograph, it means she has no idea herself. But that's not the point. I'm not looking for a savior. I'm looking for someone to help me. Someone who won't make me feel like I'm alone in this. Where does that feeling come from? Is it because when I made mistakes as a child, I was brutally punished, and now I feel unprotected and seek refuge where I can fail without being harshly criticized for it?

I feel like this situation will be laughable or pitiful in more than one context and in more than one future. At least it weighs heavily on me. I hope I can reread this and say, "Damn, I was really childish back then, despite my age. I'm doing much better now."

Anyway. There are 3 hours left to hand in the corrected second version of the monograph. As you might guess, I won't say anything to M. I'll do it alone. That is, without asking for "supervision" or saying, "Look, I'm screwed with this. It's funny, isn't it?" Because I feel like she really doesn't care. She'd care more if I were more significant, more handsome, more her ideal type, etc. What if I just stop writing here and focus on writing my damn monograph? What I need most right now is to relieve myself of this stress. Nobody's going to save me. Nobody's going to support me either. 

I'll have to carry this on my own.

Pyrenomonas helgolandii

I was feeling a bit down because I thought I wasn't going to manage another illustration. Two important things: the first, which I think I've already mentioned in another post, is that my mom has had her surgery, and as I said, she can't do anything at all due to the severity of her injury. Dealing with her has been a real pain, to put it mildly, because of the sudden influx of housework (which has taken away time from literally everything), and because sometimes my mother gets the urge to criticize my efforts. But then everything settles down, so... I guess it's okay 𐙚🧸ྀི

The other big reason is that I realized a fatal error in my other illustrations of cryptomonads, and I'm going to dedicate a separate blog post to this as soon as I can. For the few of you who have bothered to look at the previous versions, you'll see that I've represented mitochondria as individual units and especially as "a group"... NO, THAT'S COMPLETELY WRONG. It turns out that cryptomonads are believed to possess only ONE SINGLE MITOCHONDRIA (Clay 2015), and not only that, but this mitochondria is reticulated, meaning it's like a large complex with many "branches" that can occupy a large part of the cell. However, in microscopic sections, not all of this mitochondria is visible; only a portion of one of the "arms" can be seen, giving the illusion of "a few" scattered mitochondria. I'm working on redrawing the cryptomonad species I've already uploaded, but with this error, redesigning them to reflect this new information. I hope to do so soon.

Fortunately, I haven't made this mistake for this species, Pyrenomonas helgolandii U.Santore. If you look at the Wikipedia page, you'll see that it's a species of Pyrenomonas (obviously), along with Pyrenomonas ovalis (which I've also illustrated), and "other species," but I'm going to edit that because those other species are no longer categorized within Pyrenomonas, but rather in Rhodomonas.

In fact, Pyrenomonas is a strange genus, because it doesn't seem to be fully accepted as a distinct genus from Rhodomonas. That's why its type species (a holotype) is "Pyrenomonas salina," even though this species is officially accepted as Rhodomonas salina (AlgaeBase n.d.).

Focusing on Pyrenomonas helgolandii, this organism has proven more mysterious to me than Pyrenomonas ovalis. I haven't found much visual information about it; the illustration I'm presenting here is based on the micrographs that appear in these two articles:

• Takahiro Yamagishi, Atsushi Kai and Hiroshi Kawai (2012). "Trichocyst Ribbons of a Cryptomonads Are Constituted of Homologs of R-Body Proteins Produced by the Intracellular Parasitic Bacterium of Paramecium". Journal of Molecular Evolution. https://doi.org/10.1007/s00239-012-9495-2
• Tomonori Sato, Chikako Nagasato, Yoshiaki Hara, Taizo Motomura (2014). "Cell Cycle and Nucleomorph Division in Pyrenomonas helgolandii (Cryptophyta)". Protist. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.protis.2014.01.003

And of course, there are more mentions of this organism elsewhere, but from what I've seen, they always refer to one of these two articles. Briefly, based on what I've seen in both articles, P. helgolandii is quite similar to P. ovalis. I haven't seen too many differences: the mitochondrion is assumed to be reticulate and large, as is assumed to be the case for other cryptomonads (Clay 2015); the chloroplast is reddish-brown and bilobed, with both lobes connected by a "bridge" that encloses the pyrenoid, which is enveloped in a covering of starch granules. 

Of course, the pyrenoid in this species, as in P. ovalis, has a longitudinal invagination into which the nucleomorph is inserted. The contractile vacuole is located in the anterior region (where the flagella are located). Ah, I assume the flagella follow the same pattern as in P. ovalis: the ventral one is shorter and has a single row of hairs, and the dorsal one is longer and has a double row of hairs. The flagella are housed in the vestibule, which connects to a gullet. The shapes and sizes of the Golgi apparatus and endoplasmic reticulum are purely speculative, and I assume they exist because they are fundamental structures of a eukaryotic cell.

So.... what's different? ᕕ( ᐛ ) ᕗ

Let's start with the least unnerving: I don't know if the same occurs in P. ovalis, but in P. helgolandii there are two elements that can be observed within the nucleomorph. The first is the fibrillogranular body (Sato et al. (2014) misspell it as "fibrilogranular"), a collection of biomolecules arranged as fibers and granules of varying sizes, possibly some kind of vestigial nucleolus or chromatin (Gillott and Gibbs 1980). The second are electron-dense globules, structures made of some biomolecule that scatters electrons under the electron microscope, hence their very dark appearance. Which biomolecule? Who knows. Gillott and Gibbs (1980) theorized that it might be RNA.

And now, the organelle that most disturbed me is what Sato et al. (2014) refers to as the "pericle." That's a terrible term that I haven't been able to find anywhere else, not even as something similar. I initially thought of "pellicle," but that refers to an entire membrane. In Sato et al. (2014), Figure 6B, the "pericle" seem to refer to a black, slightly fusiform, oval-shaped structure, and the text mentions "several arranged peripherally." Honestly, I don't know what they are, what they're supposed to be made of, or what their purpose is, so as a precaution, I only drew one.

Of course, these images are free to use under Creative Commons. Not for commercial use. Also, you must credit me. It's very simple! Just write something like "DOTkamina (2026)".

(o^^)o(^^o)

( /・・)ノ

I really don't have anything else to say.

I don't know if I should dedicate another post to what I'm about to say, but today feels strange. It's a mix of losing the motivation to do anything related to my university assignments and a somewhat lackluster joy at having finished this drawing. I don't know, I feel odd and liminal. Like, could I have done better? Maybe. Shouldn't I be doing this? Probably. 

ᄽ●・●ᄿ

Today I walked with girl M, and on the way she was telling me various things about her exes and fights with some sort of friend of hers. Nah, I like her voice. I genuinely want to spend more time with her. But she's dangerous because her behavior, ideals, and perceptions of the future don't align with mine. Why do I feel like I'd still venture into a relationship with her? I don't know.

Anyway, the semester's almost over. I guess all this will end with that. She asks me for help with an assignment. I can't help but give in. 

In the end.