Empty Christmas

 

Just like the title says. 

ヾ(^ ^ゞ

This Christmas is sadder and lonelier. I remember at the beginning of this year I wished for good luck in love, friendships, self-esteem, and studies. And all four things have failed, in every way. Yesterday I was eating yogurt on the bus, watching everyone—"everyone"—with their turkeys or chickens, getting ready for Christmas dinner. I envy those who truly have reasons to celebrate with their families, to get together, because that's what Christmas is all about. But I felt more connected to "the others"—the street vendors, the harassed workers, and the people living under bridges. 

Is that perhaps my future? I always imagine myself in a shitty job I don't even like, a slave to some company, small or not, and then I run into a classmate, well-dressed, with a real job, working in their field of study, or at least with a good position in the world, with kids or a partner, and I'm watching, watching how those people who enjoyed life more when they were young are still enjoying it as adults. And me, who's worked so hard to be the best, I simply haven't managed to be the best, nor have I managed to secure that kind of life. I posted on X that my enthusiasm seems to be waning, but it's really disappeared. I don't think I have any real friends. My plan, when the semester ends, is to disappear. I don't know if I should disappear completely, or just reduce interactions to only when they send something that could connect me to a job. 

┐ ( -“-) ┌

I hate that. Why does getting a job depend on how many contacts you make, and not on your own merit? That's why so many gooners get jobs with hardly any effort, stupid losers who have it easy just because they have a relative at some biotech company. I have sent lots of CVs and no one was selected. Not a chance. Absolute bullshit.

I'd at least like to have a partner. I'm old-fashioned. A faithful girlfriend, who'll eventually agree to marry me, for us both to work and support each other, have kids, and settle down in a house. And eat nice meals like a family. Because I feel like I've never had a family life; it's always been fragmented. And women are so awful. Even so, I've tried to make it work, but nothing. One is more of a bitch than the next. And it might sound really misogynistic, I'm sorry, but that's really how the women I've met are. Luckily, at least one had the dignity to tell me she preferred other types of guys before I kept investing my time. Others, I think, just took advantage of the fact that I was always available to help them. It's painful when you stop investing in that conversation and realize it was always a contract, that they were never interested in you, only when they needed help with a rehearsal, then silence.

Overall, I'm weak and easily influenced. I expected to find reasons online to justify my existence, but all I found was more emptiness. Ignored online, ignored in real life. The drawings I do at least keep me busy, for now. Even so, I keep trying. Not with girl M anymore (she always has some ex-boyfriend or almost-something to dwell on and lament), now I'm pinning my hopes on a girl who's a teaching assistant in the Economic Reality department. What I can say is that my communication skills have improved, at least in chat. I'm not so nervous about writing anymore, wondering what the girl I'm writing to will think. Practice has really helped. I owe that mainly to the conversations with (2)1(1)_11(2)-(2)1(1)-(3)1-11(1)1. Back then, I really hoped she didn't have a partner. Now I can only nod and congratulate them on their happiness. What else can I do?

I could also thank the human R. Perhaps another pillar that has kept me within the same group of work entities, preventing me from being completely isolated (Would I have felt more miserable that way?). Although it's not stable, it's reactive, and generally doesn't inspire confidence. But it remains a key piece in... not being alone. It's all about not feeling alone, really. Or rather, escaping that idea.

Christmas 2025 is lonely and holds little hope for me.

Even so, I still get excited by messages that restore my hope from time to time, vividly igniting the flame for a few minutes, then that flame goes out but leaves a few embers.

I think I'll devour some bread.

ᇂ_ᇂ