To musi być teraz!

How am I feeling today? Weird, I guess.

I know I should be working on that final project. I don't know if having a meeting about it in a few days will actually help. It'll give me a sense of "not neglecting it," when deep down, I know that's not true. But I'll see if, after this monologue to the void, I actually get around to doing something about it, because I can't go on without making any progress.

I also feel weird because... I don't know, also because I'm not accomplishing much on my own. The idea of ​​a good job seems distant. And honestly, I don't really like the prospect of a future with physically demanding work that doesn't satisfy me or offer any chance of connecting with a girl. Why am I even thinking about finding a partner? That's surprising, considering I'm quite individualistic, or a social loner, since I don't like parties or anything like that. 

I don't think I've mentioned how awful it was to be in the coastal nightclubs, during a marine mammal research trip, when I saw my crush at the time being seduced by someone else, seemingly more capable. Actually, he was more capable; he was literally a zoologist with the organization. I won't delve further into whether it was right or wrong for him to try and flirt with a student—well, I guess not, since we're all adults.

Which is brutal. Is it normal to take so long with your studies when you're dangerously close to 30? I'm still relatively far from that age, but I am nearing 25. At least the only thing I have left to finish is my final project. I'm sure if you look at previous posts you can find psychological reasons and more context about why I'm putting it off so much. 

...

And it sucks because it must be some kind of procrastination or aggressive lack of focus because I know I HAVE TO finish it, but I'm INCAPABLE of putting it on, you know? It makes me feel like a failure.

yeah this image looks like a shitpost meme fot his situation but genuinely this is lowkey me rn

Yes... I think I'll actually get started on that final project right now. Writing... well, not writing anymore because I somehow managed to finish the "skeleton" of the entire text, but I have to do something because I can't go on like this. I've been putting it off too much this week, and the worst part is that I've even been putting off illustration number 30, because new information came up while I was writing about it (it's of Giardia lamblia, intestinalis or duodenalis) and I had to redraw everything. 

And now I've also noticed other errors, less serious but still worth correcting to avoid misinformation since it's going to be on Wikimedia. Yes, it's a bit of a relief that I don't have more pressure on this illustration because it's my own project and I set my own deadlines. I suppose I'm the cause of my own stress, or worry, about not being able to finish illustration 30. But it has to be as accurate as possible in terms of the representation of organelles.

i'm not feeling tuff today

That's what I was planning to do this morning, but now that the topic of the final project has come out of my closet, I think I'd better get on with it because otherwise the guilt will just keep growing, and I want to be close to finishing it. It's already pretty awful thinking that I'll eventually have to request publication permission from the coordinator who gave me access to the samples for that final project, with whom I ended things on bad terms because I didn't manage to finish the final project in their ideal timeframe (4 months), and that it was a good thing I was going to give the opportunity to someone more interested. At this point, I've lost any higher motivation stemming from the final project (like the idea of ​​it becoming a scientific article) because it's a fact that the important thing is to get a job, and I don't have many doors open to me. My fault, of course.

The anxiety has gripped me again, 

so I was planning to continue with that Giardia illustration this afternoon, 

but unfortunately, 

and for my own good, 

it will have to wait. 

...

Not until I finish that text properly. I have to make it as good as possible so that it at least looks decent for the external coordinator. I know she might even throw up because the final project text is absolute garbage. I was also going to talk about girl M's brief return, but that'll have to wait for another post, if I remember. I'm going to work on the final project right now, otherwise I'll die of worry.

𝓽𝓱𝓪

Heyo.

It',s me, DOTkamina.

Welcome c:

꜀( ˊ̠˂˃ˋ̠ )꜆

Today I'm writing because I feel strange. Weird. Distorted.

I'll get straight to the point. This post could be considered a turning point, since I'm writing it on a new laptop. A cheap emergency one I bought to fix the problem I was having with the damaged screen on my other one, as I was getting tired of using SpaceDesk to use my phone as a second monitor.

That was a few weeks ago, and I've experienced a sudden shutdown. I suppose it's just a quirk of a second-hand device, since it wasn't brand new. I'll have to make do with this one until I finish the final project. I hope to get a final version this week. Illustrating the skulls... I'm too lazy to do it, to be honest.

But the real reason for this post is the alteration. The thing is, today I went to my internship at the vertebrate museum, as I've probably mentioned in another post. In my free time, I went down a street looking for a place to get a good, cheap lunch.

Then a strange man appeared. First, he told me what seemed to be an alert about student kidnappings. Unfortunately, this has intensified considerably in the country; not long ago, a young woman disappeared under unknown circumstances and was found dead in a wooded area.

But the situation started to become alarming when he began telling me that he was someone hired to eliminate suspects. And he started threatening me. 

I froze. 

He began telling me that if I didn't cooperate by giving him information about where I study, where I live, my habits, and finally, by showing him my SIM card, he had a group waiting to take me for questioning.

Naturally, I was terrified, but I tried to keep my composure. 

I told him to stop talking, that I wasn't going to say another word, and I tried to take refuge in a stationery store that I happened to be near. 

Not a single police officer in sight. 

That stranger kept telling me he could pull out a gun or a knife at any moment, but he wasn't doing it yet because he wanted to resolve things peacefully.

Anyway, I managed to hide in the stationery store until I had enough money for a taxi to get back to the museum quickly, since it was far away and that stranger was still hanging around nearby, as far as I could see through the window.

I had never felt so threatened and in such an unpleasant situation, because I felt that any decision that man made could have ended in tragedy. Who knows what would have happened if I had been on a less busy street?

Everything is fine now. I don't feel completely terrified, but I do feel uncertain, a more extreme kind. 

These are like signs that I shouldn't go to the museum. 

I have an important (and mandatory) trip to take soon. Time is running out to finish my final project. The pressure from my mother is increasing. And we're not in the best financial situation, so the ticket is expensive. And I had already been almost mugged some time ago; they managed to snatch my phone while I was trying to write something, but I was able to hold on to it tightly. No one helped; they were just in shock. Although, who could be prepared for situations like that?

I don't know. Ever since the first day I was in that museum, a feeling of "you shouldn't be investing your time in this" has been gnawing at me. It's not like I enjoy being in the museum either. I'd like to say that at least it's something that excites me and "that I've found another possible vocation here," but I just feel like dead weight. I don't know if it's because the tasks are monotonous, or because of the formaldehyde in the dead animals, which is more concentrated, and the rooms are sealed, so the smell is stronger.

The fact that I'm stressed trying to save money on lunches and even the bus fare itself doesn't help much, I think...

Yeah.

I think so. I'll just stay this week. Then I'll think of something to leave for good.

I suppose part of the reason I left early and stayed home is because I'd be wasting an "opportunity" that's hard to come by; it's not like I can just say, "I want to go in and see specimens for the sheer love of it."

But I don't know. Something still tells me I shouldn't keep going, and these robberies seem to be warning me of something. The situation in the country is becoming increasingly unsafe.

Hope to reach a more peaceful state