ߘߎ߬ߛߎ ߞߎ߲ ߕߋ߫ ߓߊ߲߫

꒰ᐢ. .ᐢ꒱

             ꒰ᐢ. .ᐢ꒱

                             ꒰ᐢ. .ᐢ꒱

                                             ꒰ᐢ. .ᐢ꒱ 

                                                          ¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡

                                                                                            🕸                            🕸

                                    🕸                               🕸                                 🕸                              🕸

         🕸                                          🕸                           🕸                                🕸                              🕸

                                                                            ·˚ ༘₊· ͟͟͞͞꒰➳

ᐢ..ᐢ

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It's strange to hear my mother say she hopes I finish my final project and that it doesn't take me more than a year, and that she doesn't believe other classmates are in similar situations. She's talking to a relative on a video call about how I dedicate several hours to the project. Which is a complete lie and makes me feel bad.

The situation regarding final projects at my faculty is certainly awful, because there's a kind of intentional delay on the part of the tutors. This manifests as neglect, lack of organization, and overcomplicated methodological processes (the project is supposed to be simple, and then they keep making it complicated until it's indefensible), or even favoritism.

Ugh... but also because of the initial rejections of my final project idea (which made me repeat Scientific Writing III, something I haven't told a single person about), and the already growing lack of motivation towards the end of the semester, I've also become stuck in a downward spiral of not making any progress.

I must confess, dear reader, that I'm afraid my mother will discover that I don't actually take that long to complete projects. The only way that happens is when permits take a long time—that is, permits for handling living organisms, or for handling people when the focus is on human groups. Also, of course, when the student simply doesn't put effort into their project.............................which is my case.

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૮₍˶Ó﹏Ò ⑅₎ა

What have I been doing all this time? 

Losing myself in the void, I think. 

Playing Roblox or Brawl Stars, watching videos, 

losing sight of the original objective. 

Or taking refuge in research to create the protist illustrations. 

૮₍ ˵ • ꤮ ก ˵ ₎ა

But it was clear that this wasn't going to erase the responsibility for the final project.

In a relatively recent post, I said I was going to start structuring the final project a bit because I was getting worried about not having it finished. I've actually managed to make progress on some sections I still needed to write. The illustrations are still missing, and I think I'll do that tomorrow. Today I'm not sure if I'll dedicate more time to the other drafted sections that still need proofreading because they're written from memory and lack the necessary references to be well-supported. 

This is also a concern because I can't find any recent or precise references on the research topic. For example, I need to support my claims about the musculature and nerves of a mouse abandoned in the Colombian highlands with the only similar information I have, which comes from a Russian laboratory study of a common European blind mole.

You... you get the dilemma, right? It's as if the "repeated" information I need to support ("Yes, I swear someone else has already said this!") is found in very different organisms, and I'm afraid they'll notice and attack me on that front, in a hypothetical defense, if it actually comes to that. Another worry is that they'll notice most of my supporting data is textual but not numerical, since I don't have other studies that replicate the exact measurements I'm taking. There's a project reviewer who's particularly observant about this, and if they reject my defense...

The defense.

?                  ?                  ?                     ?

           ?                 ?                   ?                     ?                 ?              '¿

Will I even bother defending it? 

I can't see myself doing it. There's this custom where, for your defense, you invite everyone—even the priest from your village, if necessary—and all those who "believe in you" (a nice way of saying they believe in your ability to prosper and become financially successful enough to save them. That was incredibly edgy of me, I regret it). But honestly, my final project is rubbish. If they reject my defense in front of everyone, it will be not only a humiliation, but also the complete rejection of my parents. And I already have enough to deal with from my mother's occasional yelling.

At least I've made some progress on the text of my final project. I think it's decent enough to show my tutor, and to tell him to please, for God's sake, start the approval process for Final Project 3 Writing, because I'm still stuck with that "subject."

Ugh... I don't know, dear reader. 

It's even possible I'll never finish the project, and therefore never graduate. That would also mean the end of my free time "for studying," which I've been spending looking at memes and, to avoid judgment, also at protist illustrations.

I'm getting sleepy. 

All I have to do now is make a little more progress on that text. At least I managed to make some progress and not leave it stuck again for another day.

As always, I hope these life experiences I share will help you not feel alone or abandoned, whatever your current shitty situation may be.

To musi być teraz!

How am I feeling today? Weird, I guess.

I know I should be working on that final project. I don't know if having a meeting about it in a few days will actually help. It'll give me a sense of "not neglecting it," when deep down, I know that's not true. But I'll see if, after this monologue to the void, I actually get around to doing something about it, because I can't go on without making any progress.

I also feel weird because... I don't know, also because I'm not accomplishing much on my own. The idea of ​​a good job seems distant. And honestly, I don't really like the prospect of a future with physically demanding work that doesn't satisfy me or offer any chance of connecting with a girl. Why am I even thinking about finding a partner? That's surprising, considering I'm quite individualistic, or a social loner, since I don't like parties or anything like that. 

I don't think I've mentioned how awful it was to be in the coastal nightclubs, during a marine mammal research trip, when I saw my crush at the time being seduced by someone else, seemingly more capable. Actually, he was more capable; he was literally a zoologist with the organization. I won't delve further into whether it was right or wrong for him to try and flirt with a student—well, I guess not, since we're all adults.

Which is brutal. Is it normal to take so long with your studies when you're dangerously close to 30? I'm still relatively far from that age, but I am nearing 25. At least the only thing I have left to finish is my final project. I'm sure if you look at previous posts you can find psychological reasons and more context about why I'm putting it off so much. 

...

And it sucks because it must be some kind of procrastination or aggressive lack of focus because I know I HAVE TO finish it, but I'm INCAPABLE of putting it on, you know? It makes me feel like a failure.

yeah this image looks like a shitpost meme fot his situation but genuinely this is lowkey me rn

Yes... I think I'll actually get started on that final project right now. Writing... well, not writing anymore because I somehow managed to finish the "skeleton" of the entire text, but I have to do something because I can't go on like this. I've been putting it off too much this week, and the worst part is that I've even been putting off illustration number 30, because new information came up while I was writing about it (it's of Giardia lamblia, intestinalis or duodenalis) and I had to redraw everything. 

And now I've also noticed other errors, less serious but still worth correcting to avoid misinformation since it's going to be on Wikimedia. Yes, it's a bit of a relief that I don't have more pressure on this illustration because it's my own project and I set my own deadlines. I suppose I'm the cause of my own stress, or worry, about not being able to finish illustration 30. But it has to be as accurate as possible in terms of the representation of organelles.

i'm not feeling tuff today

That's what I was planning to do this morning, but now that the topic of the final project has come out of my closet, I think I'd better get on with it because otherwise the guilt will just keep growing, and I want to be close to finishing it. It's already pretty awful thinking that I'll eventually have to request publication permission from the coordinator who gave me access to the samples for that final project, with whom I ended things on bad terms because I didn't manage to finish the final project in their ideal timeframe (4 months), and that it was a good thing I was going to give the opportunity to someone more interested. At this point, I've lost any higher motivation stemming from the final project (like the idea of ​​it becoming a scientific article) because it's a fact that the important thing is to get a job, and I don't have many doors open to me. My fault, of course.

The anxiety has gripped me again, 

so I was planning to continue with that Giardia illustration this afternoon, 

but unfortunately, 

and for my own good, 

it will have to wait. 

...

Not until I finish that text properly. I have to make it as good as possible so that it at least looks decent for the external coordinator. I know she might even throw up because the final project text is absolute garbage. I was also going to talk about girl M's brief return, but that'll have to wait for another post, if I remember. I'm going to work on the final project right now, otherwise I'll die of worry.