It was a day.
It was bad in many ways.
But a day nonetheless.
It made me realize that my path will be mostly solitary. I haven't been surrounded by ideal people to whom I can confide my secrets and insights; I almost made the mistake of telling them about DOTkamina.
Which brings me back to games! Of course, I don't have as much time now; I've lost a lot of free time. But it's good to remember the good times that seemed endless.
In fact, what else can I reflect on in this post? It's one of the first I've written in a long time, and I feel it might be important for anyone who happens to read it; maybe someone will even relate.
I'll start by saying that I have to write the second draft of a monograph today. But I'm incredibly lazy about it because, well, I don't know. Desolation. Extinction. Fermentation. That's what brings me to the second point: feeling used, again. As usual!
I don't know why people tend to trust me so much. It's something I tried to change when I started university. I didn't want to be the "class brain" who people only knew and saw for that reason. I wanted to transcend, to feel genuine friendship, even to find love. As you can see, it was impossible.
The last thing I was talking about with girl M was basically helping her with the second draft of her monograph. It shouldn't be complicated, but I still feel like it's overly complicated because of the number of guidelines the instructor included in the writing, which has made it especially stressful in terms of "putting it off." Girl M was talking to me about quite a few things, but looking at the bigger picture, it all boils down to the same thing. It's just a conversation where she basically extracts all the help I can offer. I'm not sure if I get the same result when I do the opposite. Because when that happens, her answers are shorter, vaguer, or curt; they don't offer the same level of solution as what I'm trying to provide.
And this is where the paranoia comes in. Should it be... like this? If I didn't have a clue what to do, what should the conversation be like? Should it really be very basic? Or should it actually involve more frequent personal or emotional conversations, ones that don't constantly revolve around whether I know something or not, or how I could improve something or not? I'd like a normal chat that generally makes me feel like a human being, not a machine.
A faulty machine, of course. Because the truth is, I'm not exactly a genius either. And that's the big scam of my self-inclusion plan. Not only did I fail to become just another student, but I also lost much of the intelligence that supposedly characterized me before (I don't really think it was real), but somehow, I'm still a kind of "extinct" reference point. I don't like that much. Why should I know the answer to everything? Because the most frequent topic of conversation with me is precisely whether I know how to do something, and so on, and then steering the conversation toward solving it or directly doing part or all of the homework?
I have doubts too. I also have little desire to do X assignment, X project, X monograph, or X presentation. I also want to complain that it's a load of crap and would like to ask someone for help, then I realize that I seem like some kind of "expert" because "I know perfectly well how to do it," but my own reluctance to do something I'm forced to do destroys me, and in the end, I do it "as best I can." Asking for help, but for what exactly? For not being alone in something? For feeling accompanied and guided, I suppose. Because otherwise, when they use me to see how it's done, to have me explain the whole protocol or the solution, I feel like a machine judged only by its problem-solving ability. Watched, essentially.
Then, in person, I'm still not good at developing other topics of conversation. I'm only capable of listening. And I don't know what to say. Then there's the other big factor: I'm simply boring, and I really don't have anything else to contribute. The consequences? Well, when I'm not efficient, when I'm slow because I genuinely don't know how to do something or I get stuck, I only feel hostility. That's what I felt today. Hostility. I don't feel empathy. I don't feel compassion, or a sense of "okay, we're all screwed in this together. Let's just go eat our dust." No. What I feel is more like an aura of "I expected you to be able to handle this. The problem is all yours, it's your fault, and today's class is ruined because you're just standing here doing nothing." Why? Don't I have anything else to contribute?
Sometimes I try not to think that way and tell myself I'm just overreacting, that human behavior is like that, and that I'm just overthinking because, who knows why, am I very sensitive? Am I autistic or something? Or have I simply repressed my emotions so much that I'm now unable to identify what should be normal?
Anyway, my lament for today is that I feel used. Girl M was silent the rest of the day. I'm truly sorry I wasn't helpful in any way, absolutely NOTHING. Today's digital practice involved using PAST to construct phylogenetic trees.
Anyway, my complaint today is that I feel used. Girl M was silent the rest of the day. I really regret not being of any help whatsoever, not even a little. Today's digital lab involved using R Studio to build phylogenetic trees. Of course, the professor was late. His explanation was rubbish as usual, so I didn't understand a thing. Then, since neither she nor I have a computer, we had to use one in the computer lab, which is incredibly slow and has a password from some Middle Eastern country that didn't allow us to install the required program without administrator privileges. I couldn't do anything except try not to swear too much, so as not to stress myself out, because I don't like to make a scene. Girl M was annoyed, I think. Disappointed, you could say. I'm no good at making things interesting. I'll get to the point: can it be done? Fine, but at my own pace, since I'm a slow learner. Can't it be done? I try to find alternatives, otherwise I give up, unless I can get help from someone else, but I feel like that makes me look even more pathetic because then, why be with me if they could have chosen someone more capable from the start? That should give you an idea of how I felt.
Useless.
A small update. Girl M wrote to me again. Once more, about the monograph. Should I leave her on read? Insult her? No, please no. We're not monsters here either. If I have anything left, it's empathy, I suppose. Also, a bit of pseudo-ego, like "haha, I possess the knowledge," even though it leaves me empty afterward. My response: "thanks," silence. In another context, I would have told her that I also have no idea how to correct the typos the instructor put in my monograph. Just so I wouldn't feel completely alone.
But it wouldn't have worked; she would have replied with something shorter, a "damn" or a "what a shame." Yes, I understand that if she's asking me how to correct her own monograph, it means she has no idea herself. But that's not the point. I'm not looking for a savior. I'm looking for someone to help me. Someone who won't make me feel like I'm alone in this. Where does that feeling come from? Is it because when I made mistakes as a child, I was brutally punished, and now I feel unprotected and seek refuge where I can fail without being harshly criticized for it?
I feel like this situation will be laughable or pitiful in more than one context and in more than one future. At least it weighs heavily on me. I hope I can reread this and say, "Damn, I was really childish back then, despite my age. I'm doing much better now."
Anyway. There are 3 hours left to hand in the corrected second version of the monograph. As you might guess, I won't say anything to M. I'll do it alone. That is, without asking for "supervision" or saying, "Look, I'm screwed with this. It's funny, isn't it?" Because I feel like she really doesn't care. She'd care more if I were more significant, more handsome, more her ideal type, etc. What if I just stop writing here and focus on writing my damn monograph? What I need most right now is to relieve myself of this stress. Nobody's going to save me. Nobody's going to support me either.
I'll have to carry this on my own.
