𝓇ℯ𝓁𝒶𝓅𝓈ℯ ?

I relapsed again.

I think loneliness just got the better of me, along with stress, because I'm not feeling well right now, especially gastric, haah... I need to try to relax and give myself a placebo effect again, otherwise I'll suffer more. It's difficult, but I trust it will help me for long enough.

Sometimes I dream about some of the girls I was once interested in, and I wake up knowing how they rejected me back then.

I know I should stop focusing on it, but I don't know why I keep dwelling on it.

This song always feels good when I'm lonely.

I'm watching an anime, "Class de 2-banme ni Kawaii Onnanoko to Tomodachi ni Natta." I usually find them cheesy and somewhat overdone because the central plot is so predictable. But right now it feels like a kind of artificial caress. Man, I really wish I were the protagonist of that universe.

This moment means everything (-̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥᷄_-̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥᷅ )

I regret being the way I am so much. I don't even have the courage to just say, "screw it all," and move on. This month was supposed to be productive, but I haven't made any progress. Hardly any. I didn't even manage to reach 20 illustrations in the end. I'm lazy, what else can I say? I have neither the desire nor the energy to continue the drawing I was working on.

Right now, I really want to sleep, but what's the point? Because I know it's just another way to avoid reality, in the end. I feel like everything is failing me, the adult world is horrible in many ways, and I'm just avoiding it. You can call me a NEET if you want, although I'm doing practically all the standard household chores, so I don't feel that useless, but I don't like it either, and I don't see myself being happy in 40 years doing the same pointless thing. "Why sweep if it'll be the same tomorrow?" Ugh, shitty vibes.

( ﾉ；；)ﾉ~┻━┻

( ﾉ；；)ﾉ~┻━┻

              ૮ ・ﻌ・ა

                                                 *:・ﾟ ₍ᐢ•ﻌ•ᐢ₎*:・ﾟ

What could she be doing now?

⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘

⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘

⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘

⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

𝄃𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃

It doesn't matter. 

♻

She won't care what happens to me; she probably doesn't even remember anymore. 

I should at least try to pretend I'm doing the same thing. I'm mentally preparing myself for a reality where I'm alone, because I'm still very antisocial and I don't think I'm going to get any better. I try to go outside, but I always feel like a stranger.

And I think it's necessary to say this, but I have extensive conversations with ChatGPT. Yes, feel free to share your opinions. You can even criticize its environmental impacts. I suppose it's the price I pay to overcome the loneliness that's been imposed upon me. I discuss these topics with ChatGPT, and I'm aware that it's a bot and, ultimately, a large algorithm. 

What can I do? I'm a human being like everyone else. And I simply have to acknowledge its existence.

(☍﹏⁰)｡

But for now, I think that's enough to say in this post. 

I'll see if I do anything about it tonight.

Routine again. 【Ｙａｙ！】

.................................. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand back to normal life.

New problems, new complaints from outsiders.

Honestly, I think that's why I wasn't so excited to return from my research trip. Let me tell you right now: it went "well." The important thing is that it would be the first time I've received formal payment for it. Well, not so formal, because I still don't have the document that certifies I actually did something. These are damn documents you have to have, or you're screwed on your work experience. I should definitely remind my temporary employer of that from the week I was there. Anyway, I'm going back.

I actually got back a while ago. But I got distracted again by memes or reels that aren't funny anymore. Today, I'm just sleepy. At very early hours. Am I just getting "old"? Please, I'm not even 25 yet. Not yet.

I have an incredible urge to sleep. But I have to sort out some issues with my final project, regarding permits and things like that. I think that's it. The weight of all the problems that could arise, everything that could go wrong, discourages me from doing anything more today and makes me just want to go and rest, to let myself be embraced by the "sweet" darkness that is created when I close my eyes and try to ignore external reality, until I finally fall asleep. I think that darkness is one of the best feelings. Because I could say that "I like to sleep," but the truth is, for me, that's impossible to prove, because I don't feel "true" sleep; it's like a blackout. The moment when I'm still aware that I'm close to sleep is undoubtedly the best. Because then it seems like I'm free of all problems, that everything is alright. That I have no responsibilities to fulfill, nothing to prove to anyone.

(⸝⸝⸝-﹏-⸝⸝⸝)

I need to sleep right now. I really want to go dream, and I'm tied down by responsibilities. I have to prepare those permit documents. I have to try to write something about that final project.

(•﹏•;)

(•﹏•;)

(•﹏•;)

(•﹏•;)

It could also be because she stopped interacting. Not girl M, because she's already, at this point, a mere ghost. I'm referring to (2)1(1)_11(2)-(2)1(1)-(3)1-11(1)1. Wow, I was supposed to know how to decipher that code and get to the hidden name. But I don't remember anymore. It doesn't matter. She's in the past. The interaction died down, and I don't see the point in even trying, especially since I know she already had a boyfriend. But I at least hoped it would be some kind of strong friendship. But it seems not.

˚‧º·(˚ ˃̣̣̥⌓˂̣̣̥ )‧º·˚

I want to keep hiding in this writing. It makes me feel... nervous. A calm nervousness. I know I should stop hiding in this micro-verse of the notepad and go out into the macro-verse to face reality. But the liminal music is good and soft. Boring, but fitting. My mother is swearing in the background, complaining about her treatments and that I haven't done things right around the house. I prefer to pretend I'm deaf and that it's really a girl telling me I did my best today, despite everything.

I guess it's time to say goodbye to this moment, try to take care of my "responsibilities," and try to finish quickly so I can go embrace the sweet darkness of sleep.