Hopeless tranquility

So.... yeah.

Here I am listening to sad, and somewhat liminal, music, reflecting on faded memories.

The Super no Ura manga by Yani Sū Futari is moving. I loved it; I'm saving myself for chapters 55 and up, which seem to be the most intense. Wow, and I can't wait to get to chapter 67; it seems to be especially good.

I don't want to dwell too much on the implicit conclusions of reading this manga. I'll just say this:

• Yes, I'm sorry (to myself). I keep putting off illustration 31. That said, it's finished. I just need to figure out how to organize the organelle labels; I don't think I quite got the spatial arrangement right. Oh well, I'll see if I can manage it one of these days.

More importantly:

• I finished the final project. I sent it to my tutor for review. I'm sure there will be a lot of terrible corrections. Or maybe he'll realize it's poorly written. Whatever. But... I guess I don't care. The important thing is that I finished it before the year was out. What's left is pure bureaucracy. 

So why am I uncertain? 

Oh, right. 

Because the university sent out a notice about presenting the progress of final projects to a list of students, which includes me. I read the whole notice and it seems it's not mandatory... however, a former classmate said it was.

No... I'm going to apply to present it. 

I don't know what the consequences will be. 

I don't want to go in front of everyone. 

It's not just that the topic is weak. 

Rather, it's that I'm still afraid of being in front of a lot of people. I've probably said that more than once. When I go up the subway stairs, for some reason I feel like I'm being watched a lot and I start breathing hard. I don't like it. Presenting it is the same.

...

I don't want to talk about it anymore. Because it makes me melancholic. I don't think I have any other significant progress at the moment. Maybe the amphibian guide, but I haven't made much progress on that either. Hmm, yes, I really did waste my time. If there's anything I can be proud of right now, it's having corrected some crazy data in the final project in time.

There's no point in asking myself why I'm in this situation.

The night is silent and lonely.

The cold fills my chest as my cough slowly fades away.

Tomorrow I have to get up early to go with mother. Next week we're going to sell some sweets on the street because there's going to be a celebration for some anniversary of the micro-town where I live. And it was me who suggested we start doing something entrepreneurial. Mother doesn't know that, deep down, it's because I don't see much of a future in my career with my degree. If I even get one, which is another long topic already discussed many times in previous posts.

I confess, I don't like the idea of ​​going to sell things. People. Everywhere. But the world is somehow cruel yet indifferent. Ignoring my weaknesses, I have to go and behave myself. That, or never get used to suffering. I don't like the idea of ​​going to sell things. I'd prefer a solitary job that covers my needs, of course. And that gives me time to keep drawing and writing, a couple of things that, even though I technically have the time now, I don't take advantage of.

None of the girls from my past matter anymore. Except for k44levy. Well, she doesn't take up too much space either. I know very well why.

I think I'm going to sleep. 

I'll dream of a better world. 

A better reality. 

I hope that the Sasakis and Yamadas of the world manage to escape their inner labyrinths and find the happiness they deserve if they are both sincere. The world is already gray and, essentially, horrible enough without wanting to ruin other people's lives with trivialities and instability. 

Truly, I wouldn't wish my current situation on anyone. 

I really pray that you are happy, dear stranger.

c: